Mindful Eating for Life

Queen of Mindfulness Misplaces Her Keys - Yet Again!

2012-01-24T20:08:00.000-06:00

I am the person that others look to for guidance in the practice of mindfulness, right? As a matter of fact people even pay me for that guidance. One might then expect that I have mastered this business of paying attention to what is, in my life, right?

You probably think you know where this is going, don't you? A psychotherapist's confession is about to be put forth for all to see. You might also expect this to be accompanied by sarcasm & self-reproach for my inadequacy.

Now, I must admit that there was frustration flying around my house this morning when I discovered that my keys were not where they were supposed to be. However, I have reflected on this as the day has progressed, and, through the use of self-compassion I have held my own hand gently so that I can see that this is not the end of the world - not even close. I reminded myself that I had a childhood & subsequent life events where it seemed necessary to stay aware of what others were thinking, feeling & doing in order to feel safe. I lost the ability to stay connected with my own internal & external experiences.

As I work with eating disturbed clients, I see that this is a common trait.

What is lovely is that this can be greatly improved through the wise use of mindfulness. Whenever I have an event such as this morning's key loss, it is a wake-up call to me that I need to stay a little more connected to myself in the present moment so that I make the aware choices that will serve me well.

This is not about becoming totally self-absorbed. It's about widening my awareness to take in what I'm up to in addition to what others are doing. It's about offering myself the same generosity of spirit and forgiveness for being way less than perfect that I strive to offer others.

Happy Mindful Holiday

2011-12-21T13:50:00.000-06:00

What would it look like to have a mindful holiday this year?

Well, I believe that it would not look like frenzied running around trying to attend every party, obsessing over buying the "perfect" gift for everyone on your list, killing yourself in an attempt to have your house picture perfect for those who are invited over, baking piles of holiday goodies & then calming your frazzled nerves by trying to eat everything that you've made & more!

What it might look like is:

the look of delight on your 3 year old's face when she first sees a lit Christmas tree.

the state of calm you feel when you have the time to stand in the midst of a gentle snowfall, taking in the stillness and lazy pattern of flakes drifting down around you

the warmth you feel in your heart when you look at your spouse and remember the many little ways he or she has been there for you through the years

the feeling of satisfaction you experience when you remember to notice when you are hungry and then enjoy whatever wonderful food you choose to eat and mindfully savor until your body is satisfied.

I wish all of these and many, many more delightful possibilities that you will notice if you slow down and pay attention to what is happening in the present moment.

A Mindful Thanksgiving

2011-11-09T19:04:00.000-06:00

Does your traditional Thanksgiving consist of cleaning, cooking and overeating followed by exhaustion? If so, why not try a mindful Thanksgiving this year?

Thanksgiving is an opportunity to slow down, to be grateful for what we have and to really see what is important in our lives.

For example, as you are slicing and chopping vegetables for the meal, become aware that they were warmed by the sunshine, were watered by the rain and had moonlight shining down on them at night. You might reflect on the fact that you are preparing food that will nourish the bodies of those you love so that this becomes an act of caring rather than a boring chore.

If you notice yourself caught up in worries about whether the house looks perfect or fearful that you will overeat, try to remember that all of that is beside the point. The point is to savor the experience of togetherness and gratitude for all that you have. You might see that slowing down with this awareness of abundance and gratitude will fill you emotionally so that you will be less likely to burden yourself with excess food. Perhaps you will also see that what you are truly hungering for are these nourishing feelings.

Put aside your worries and fears to look into the eyes of those with whom you are sharing this day. Drink in the delight of any children who might be present. Notice what is right and let the rest go.

A warm, mindful connection with others provides a positive internal experience. We miss this experience if we are busy worrying and/or judging ourselves and others.

Creating this kind of rich, meaningful experience can provide a wonderful balance for any personal life hardships, upsetting world events and uncertainties.

Perhaps you will see an opportunity to reach out in some way to someone who is less fortunate, being grateful for the opportunity to do so. This kind of behavior not only feels good to us, but it also is modeling behavior that your children are likely to integrate into their lives in a positive way.

You might be amazed at how much abundance you have when you actually slow down and just notice.

This is my November, 2011 contribution to The Healthy Planet magazine.

Mindfully Falling Flat on my Face

2011-10-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

In the interest of helping you, my reader, to learn from my life, I would like to tell you what happened to me a couple of weeks ago.

After a run on the Levee Trail down in Chesterfield Valley, Sid & I drove by the nearby shopping area & spotted a restaurant that we had never seen before. We decided that we would try it out that evening. (So far, so good, right?)

We came back to the restaurant around the time that the sun was low in the sky. I got out of our car with my dark sunglasses on (notice how I'm already making excuses for myself). The double doors to the restaurant were wide open since it was such a glorious day. As we walked toward those doors, I remember squinting, trying to see how things were arranged inside, so that I wouldn't go the wrong way or do anything else embarrassing. I was so busy trying not to be less than perfect, that I totally missed seeing a concrete curb right in front of me. The first thing I knew, I was airborne and landed hard (trust me on this) on my knees & hands! Amazingly those hands held my upper body up enough that I didn't smash my face into the concrete pavement. So, there I was, sprawled, face down, in front of a lovely Chesterfield restaurant. Sid leaned down to help me up. I gratefully sneered, "Stop! Don't touch me!" (We are still married inspite of this) At this point, I considered my options. I could just lay there, face down, until the restaurant closed & then slither away into the dark. That one was sounding pretty good to me until a wonderful waitress came running out to me. "Are you all right? How can I help you?" I gingerly began to try out my body, one muscle group at a time to assess the damage. Amazingly, everything was still working. The waitress and Sid walked me into the restaurant and over to a table. I gratefully noticed that all the patrons were busily looking at anything - other than me, to help me gather my wits, since my wits were still somewhat scattered around the parking lot at that point.

As I sat in my chair at our table, mindful awareness came over me as I became aware of a powerful sense of gratitude. I realized how fortunate I was that I had not done any serious damage, other than a couple of small bruises on my knees. I was grateful for Sid who was so concerned about me being okay. I was grateful for the waitress who was not afraid to come running out to my aid.

I was sharing this story with my daughter, Jessica, at lunch a couple of days later and she said, "You know, Mom, falling flat on your face in front of a crowd of people is probably 1 of our worst nightmares, but yet the overwhelming feeling that you came away with was gratitude."

She's right. Every time I happen to remember this incident, I am filled with that wonderful feeling of gratitude.

This is another example in my life of how being able to slow down in the midst of a troubling event, bringing mindfulness to whatever is happening in the moment, allows me to move out of a contracted self-conscious state into a state of gratitude for whatever I have.

What if we were to "like" ourselves?

2011-08-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

I know that those of us who have struggled with our weight tend to have developed an adversarial relationship with ourselves. We have believed that if we were to beat ourselves up enough, we would finally become the perfect person that we think we are supposed to be.

Well, guess what? It doesn't work! I've spent the majority of my life trying to force myself into perfection. As a matter of fact, when I became mindful in my life, learned how to calm myself, & then noticed how mean I tended to be toward myself, I was able to begin changing this with baby steps.

If you have a Facebook account, you know that you can indicate that you like something by clicking on a tab that says "like" & then there is an indication on the page that you have "liked" whatever it was.

I started catching myself in the act of doing some small things that I liked. For example, if I was running on a trail, & I noticed that someone had dropped a wrapper from something, I would go back, pick it up, & carry it to the nearest trash container. Not a big deal, but I noticed and I "liked" that I had done it. Another example would be if I took a minute to write an affectionate note to my husband, Sid (especially since he is prone to return the favor). Once again, no big deal, but I "liked" that I had done it.

Very slowly the "likes" began to balance all of the things that I did that were far from perfect. I began to develop a kinder attitude towards myself.

Research is now beginning to indicate that being kind towards ourselves enables us to be able to make long term changes, such as losing weight and keeping it off.

Try this out. Catch yourself in the act of doing little things that you can "like".

TRYING TO HOLD ONTO SUMMER

2011-07-15T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today is a beautiful, bright, blue-skied day. I am thrilled. I love, love, love summer. Before I go to work, I go for a 4 mile run/walk on the Chesterfield Levee Trail. I will never set any speed records, but I do try to soak up every delightful sign of summer being in full swing. I greet all the dragonflies zooming back & forth over the trail. I delight in the brilliant colors and scents of wildflowers along the way. I use the sounds of birds & insects as my personalized IPOD. Even though it is hot and humid and I am soaked at the end, I feel ALIVE - which I've found at my age is a good way to feel!

There is only 1 problem with all of this summer-based ecstasy. It does not last forever. As you may have noticed, summer turns into autumn which turns into dark, dreary, bone-chilling winter here in Missouri. Perhaps you are picking up on a lack of appreciation for winter in me.

Since this whole seasonal bias thing has been going on with me for a while, I actually have some wisdom to share about this subject.

Here it is: Everything is impermanent. When we try to hold onto and grasp onto what we really like, we end up suffering, in the long run. We all grow older, get sick, lose people we love - it's inevitable. And, yes, winter with all of its dreariness does seem to come back every year. The remedy for this dilemma is to really be grateful for and mindful of what we have while we have it. My temptation is to rock my boat when I'm enjoying my run by thinking, "Well, pretty soon all the green grass & green leaves will be gone & I'll be stuck in the house!" That thought sucks all the pleasure out of my run instantly. It sure doesn't change the seasonal process, but it does change my mood which plummets.

So what is the lesson here as far as MINDFUL EATING is concerned? When we taste something that we really like, we want that good taste and good feeling to last forever. We want to grasp onto and hold onto it. We forget about whether we have had enough and are satisfied. We want that "party in our mouth" to go on forever! All good parties must come to an end. That is the sad truth.

Savor the taste of food that you really enjoy, and learn that it's okay to say, "That's enough". You will feel so much better afterwards.

How to Care When You Don't Care

2011-05-31T20:14:00.000-05:00

I've noticed in my own life, that there are those times when I know what the "right" thing to do is - whether it has to do with making a healthy food choice or going to the gym to work out. I might have started out the day with healthy intentions & then, all of a sudden, I hear myself telling myself, "I don't care". I just don't care. That's all there is to it, or so it seems. I'm a million miles away, emotionally, from what I normally want to do and how I want to behave.

At that time, it's as if there are 2 Cheryls: Cheryl who cares & Cheryl who does not care (& might even stamp her foot to drive the mood home)

I have discovered that, for me, it's a waste of time to argue with Cheryl, the foot stamper. She just becomes more determined than ever. What does seem to help this stand-off, is to accept that there are 2 different parts of me at play. It is pointless to judge them. When I relax by taking a couple of deep breaths, I sit back & think in terms of making room for both of these parts of me to exist simultaneously.

I suspect that the foot stamper developed when I was a child. In my family of origin, I was not allowed to stamp my feet in rebellion. That was not something that a "good little girl", raised in the '50's was supposed to do. I guess that that part of my personality "went underground" or was suppressed. However, it is still alive & well. I no longer want to judge that part of me. If I accept her, she calms down &, amazingly, begins to join with the part of me that cares.

It's about acceptance of all of who we are. Nobody is perfect. We all have traits, thoughts & feelings that we'd rather not share with the world. But, you see, that's the thing. We are all alike in this. If we can just accept what we see as unacceptable about ourselves, we will be able to give up the internal war and come to peace within, which is a wonderful way to live.

Mindfulness and Acceptance of What Is

2011-05-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

I would like to help you understand the importance of mindfulness and acceptance of what is by presenting examples of me forgetting this in my own life. I also want to help you understand that it is one thing for me to sit in my comfy chair in my office telling you how important they are - and then there's my real life!

For example, today I took my dog, Susie, along with me for a walk at Faust Park. Now those of you who live in St. Louis know what a cool Spring we have had this year. Nonetheless, today there was a beautiful, bright blue sky above and NO RAIN which is also quite significant this Spring.

As I look back on this walk, tonight which is 10 hours later, there are 2 things which I remember. One was a lovely talk that I had with a woman over her fence and the other was when I glanced down & saw a black racer snake 1/2 way across our path. Fortunately Susie was busy looking off in the opposite direction and did not spot the snake which was perfectly still. Susie & I walked past it without it moving. It was so still that I looked back to make sure that it was alive & it had already disappeared!

I must have spent the rest of my hike "lost in thought". What was I thinking about? I do remember that I was bemoaning that it was less than 60 degrees. Poor me. Is it always this cool this late in the Spring here in St. Louis? (I've only lived here 30 years.) Was it like this when I grew up in Rochester, NY or was it like this when I lived in Ridgefield, CT? I heard that we might have a freeze tonight! I'm going to have to bring in my plants that I purchased & have not yet potted tonight. Where will I put them? Probably it would be best to put them in the kitchen. I can't believe that it's less than 60 degrees. When will it warm up?

You probably get the idea. I spent almost all of that walk resisting what was & thinking the same pointless things over and over. I wanted it to be different than it was. I didn't drink in all of the beauty surrounding me. I know that there must have been beautiful green trees, spring wildflowers, lovely sunshine falling on me, but I didn't see any of that because I wasn't present. I was lost in thought.

The good news is, to the best of my knowledge, I'll get another chance to take Susie to Faust Park. I'll have another opportunity to be present for that experience - or not.

Mindful Eating as a Balance in Life

2011-04-09T13:02:00.001-05:00

So many clients are coming in to see me because they are feeling overwhelmed by all the global events that are transpiring. There is such an internal conflict that can arise within us as we sit comfortably in our home watching the horrendous earthquake & tsunami that inundated Japan & its scary after effects, watching Middle Eastern countries struggling to overtake their despotic leaders, watch our government leaders struggling to deal with our economic woes with all their dire predictions of what will happen if "the other side wins", and on and on it goes. There is little that most of us can do about these situations.

So what do we do with all the feelings of helplessness and sorrow that might arise for us? For those of us who have turned to food in our lives as a coping mechanism, it is an automatic reaction to reach for food, lots of food, to "stuff it all down".

The irony is that this food solution only causes more overwhelming feelings as guilt sets in for having overeaten.

What I have found is that bringing mindfulness into our lives helps us to slow down & notice the things that we do have some control over. Bringing mindful awareness to our body and noticing whether it is hungry or not is a great start. If it is hungry, we check to see if we want something hot or cold, creamy or crunchy, etc. We make sure that we make a time and place where we can let our meal be the center of our attention. We look at the food, taking in any smells, colors, shapes, noting the texture of the food in our mouth as we slowly savor the taste. We notice when our body gives us the subtle sign that we have had enough. This can be a very special, nurturing experience.

A special, nurturing experience is exactly what we need to balance our feelings of overwhelm and helplessness.

Stopping our hectic pace in this way is the pause that refreshes, the pause that can make all the difference to the quality of our life.

Good Bye, Good Buddy - In Memory of Diane Kessler

2011-04-04T22:59:00.001-05:00

There always was something special about you. I asked my Mom yesterday why she and my Dad happened to invite you to go the circus with me way back when were both in first grade together. Mom said, "All your father & I kept hearing around the house was, "Diane this" and "Diane that". "We thought it would be nice for you to take a friend along to the circus & we both knew it had to be this Diane girl."

You were gentle & somewhat shy in grammar school & high school. At the same time you were determined about doing well in school and did what it took to get good grades, just the way you accomplished everything.

I was the one who was always thinking of ways to do things we weren't supposed to do such as trying out all of your Dad's alcohol mixed together one night when your parents went out. I tried to get both of us to be smokers. We both choked & coughed, but you were the one say, "Cheryl , this is stupid." I think you said that a lot to me. You were so level-headed.

After we married and you moved away on your adventure to Colorado with your "real man", we had many visits together. (Now I wish there had been many more, but it's too late to go down that path.) I was always amazed at how much you accomplished and how organized you were. You were creative in all of the things that you sewed and crafted. Your house was always filled with love - whether it was your fabulous cooking or all the loving family pictures that graced the walls. You thought about others and let them know how important they were.

You were so proud of Carrie and Aaron. Your letters and phone calls were all about what they were up to. Your Christmas letters were chock full of all the fun, learning, travel and wonderful friendships you & Lynn had with them.

Sid really enjoyed spending time with you from that very first night when you flew in to attend my son, Doug's, wedding. He could see immediately why I thought so much of you.

I told you how great grandchildren were, but you let me know that you had no idea that they would be that great after your grandsons began to make their appearances. They became the light of your life. I know that you have figured out how to watch over them from now on.

You were a trooper for these past 2 1/2 years. The brain tumor made you different, yet you were enough the same to be our wonderful Diane. We still had adventures that were stupid because they were my idea such as following Lynn & his brother (unbeknownst to them) down the train trail behind your house when I ended up 1/2 carrying you - one of my very most stupid ideas, for sure, but we laughed and laughed just like we did when we were little.

You were blessed with a husband who really rose to the occasion to be the most amazing "real man" a woman could ever want. I never saw such dedication &determination to make your last days the very best they could be and love.

You also were blessed with a daughter and son (and spouses) who used all of their creativity to find ways to amuse you, care for you and show you by their actions how grateful they were that you were their Mom.

I will miss you so very much. I don't think anyone has ever understood me, accepted me and laughed with me in the same way as you.

You will always be my best buddy, my best friend from first grade.

-Cheryl

Impermanence

2011-03-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

Do you remember how excited I was about Spring being here & how excited I was about the wonderful warm weather that was engulfing us here in St. Louis? Well, guess what? It was in the 70's around 2PM & then strong winds blew winter back into town! As I write, it's in the 40's. Now, I know perfectly well that this is the nature of Spring where we live. It happens every year. BUT YET, once again I feel like Charlie Brown falling over and over again for Lucie's false promises. I do know that this cold weather will be impermanent & give way to Spring in its own time.

My thoughts about impermanence have been stimulated by the catastrophe in Japan. I can't find the words to describe how devastating the images that have come out of there are to us as viewers. So many clients are expressing their sorrow and sense of helplessness to me in sessions. It has touched all of us deeply.

Once again we are graphically reminded that there is so much that is out of our control, no matter how technologically advanced we are. Japan had done just about everything possible to prepare for earthquakes and tsunamis since they knew that they were vulnerable. However, nothing could hold back the horrific surge of water that wiped out so many communities and lives.

Life is fragile. This event is one more reminder of that fact. We can panic and try to protect ourselves even more than we are. Or we can be grateful for all that we have - for every day that dawns, no matter what the temperature.

Today my beautiful grand daughter, Julia has turned 10. She is so very full of life and she also can be amazingly wise. She sits back & listens & then will come up with an assessment that seems way beyond her 10 years.

I am full of gratitude for having such a full life with a wonderful, loving husband, healthy Mom, 4 beautiful children (counting spouses), 5 fabulous grandchildren, best dog ever, Susie, great friends and wonderful clients.

I am encouraging you to stop right now and mindfully reflect on what you are grateful for having in your life. Even though it might be impermanent, it is here now.

Spring is Bustin' Out All Over!

2011-03-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

Happy Spring to all of my readers. The above title is what I usually sing to my daughter's voicemail on the first beautiful day that we have. Today the temperature has climbed up into the high 70's here in St. Louis, MO.

It's amazing how in a blink the winter blahs vanish. There are signs of Spring everywhere. I love to make it my business every year to try to find every single one of them. It seems to be so reassuring. I've survived another winter. Life goes on and I'm still a part of it. I'm so very grateful.

Today Sid, Susie & I went for a run/walk on a trail that goes from the Research Park in St. Charles Co. down to the KATY trail. We went a mile out on the trail until we decided that we had better head back for Susie's sake. We didn't want her to get too tired. Yeah, right! When Sid & I think that we're running at such a great pace, we look down at Susie & she's walking - just walking & ahead of us!!! Okay, the truth is out - Sid & I didn't want to overdo it so early in Spring. There's time for that later when it's in the upper 90's.

Today I would like to encourage each and every one of you to slow down by taking a nice, deep breath - Yes, right now - noticing the sensation of your breath as it comes in at the tip of your nose, travels all the way down into your lower chest & then back up and out. Notice how the air is cool as it comes in at the tip of your nose and then is warmed by your body so that it is warmer as it leaves your body through the tip of your nose. Isn't that amazing? It's one more thing that we take for granted in this wonderful life that we have. When we take this mini-timeout for ourselves, we are able to see more clearly. When we can see clearly, we can make our wisest choices. This certainly applies to mindful eating choices.

It feels good to join with you on this first day of Spring. It's a day of hope and promise of more good things to come.
-Cheryl

Change

2011-03-14T17:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

I apologize for the lapse of time since I last wrote here. I've had a major change in my life in that my son, daughter-in-law, 3 grandchildren, my 87 year old mother & their 3 dogs all moved to Phoenix, AZ. I'm very happy for them, but not so much for me! It is a tremendous change. Sid & I had centered our lives around them. We, of course, can visit them, but it's just a very big change.

Another big change is that my best friend from first grade is slipping away as I write this due to a brain tumor. She has always been there for me, even though we live 1,000 miles apart. This loss, alas, is permanent.

I have been really putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak, by practicing what I preach about accepting my feelings. In the past it was just so much easier, in the short term, to make my feelings go away by losing myself in ice cream. Of course I then had to wear the evidence of this coping mechanism on my body in extra body fat. It is truly amazing how powerful it is to make a spacious place inside myself for my unpleasant feelings - to invite them in & see that they don't kill me, after all. I just allow myself to sit with my internal body sensations, letting go of the "story line". As a matter of fact I find that I feel lighter after & full of energy.

In an effort to keep myself busy (busier), I have been doing a lot of writing. Two colleagues & I are writing a professional blog for dieticians & others who want to teach mindful eating. It can be accessed at www.megrette.com. It's fun to write, but I often find that I get myself into a perfectionistic snit. Just one more imperfection that I can learn to accept and then, perhaps, with compassion, come to change - or not.

Well, I don't want to overwhelm you after such a long absence, so I will sign off for now.

One breath at a time,

Cheryl

MINDFUL EATING FOR THE HOLIDAYS - some ideas

2010-11-16T17:56:00.000-06:00

I decided to attach a copy of a handout that I will be using tomorrow night at a talk I'm giving at the Weight Loss Institute at De Paul Hospital.

Mindfulness is being aware of what you are doing while you are doing it without judgement.

Please look at the following feelings and thoughts to determine if any of them might be familiar to you at this time of the year:

· Exhaustion
· Feeling inadequate
· Disappointment
· Trying to make everybody happy
· Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning
· Cooking, cooking, cooking
· Fear of unpleasant experiences with family members
· Not enough $$
· Needing “the perfect presents” for everybody
· Not enough time
· Rushing
· Waiting in long lines
· Feeling frantic
· Having regrets about past
· Wishing for more….
· Depression
· Anxiety
· Sadness
· Unpleasant memories of past holidays
· Spending too much $$ & worrying about paying bills
· Fear of letting others down
· Too many expectations
· Wishing holidays were over
· Disappointment about gifts received
· Others letting you down
· You do all the work and get no appreciation
· Can’t be with loved ones
· Loneliness
· Hate crowds
· Hate lines
· Feelings of emptiness
· Fear of overeating
· Feelings of “never enough”
· Don’t want the fun to end
· Wish holidays were like they were when you were a kid
· Miss deceased loved ones
· Wish you weren’t with whomever you’re with
· Longing for something more
· Feel like everybody else is having a better time than you are
· Can’t get enough
· Putting everybody else first and not getting anything back
· No time to relax
· Missing someone
· Feelings of being left out
· Missing “the old days”
· Feeling not good enough
· Missing simpler times of your childhood
· Feeling of powerlessness
· Emptiness
· Feel like there’s a hole inside you that can’t be filled
· Feelings of hopelessness
· Feeling rejected
· Boredom

The thoughts and feelings listed above and many more feel uncomfortable. In the past we have “used” food to numb ourselves, or to space out, or to distract ourselves from feeling them. When we bring mindfulness into our lives, we become aware of these feelings and the discomfort that they cause without running away from them. We find ways to deal with them other than through the use of food. This frees us to enjoy food without guilt because we no longer need to compulsively overeat. We can savor our meals, instead of mindlessly eating.

During the holidays we often try to bring back what we remember as warm, loving days of the past by eating the same food. If we eat half of the pumpkin pie that looks like Grandma’s pumpkin pie, maybe this time it will bring her back to life. Maybe we’ll feel the innocence, wonder and carefree freedom that we felt as a child.

For others of us, there are painful childhood holiday memories. We want to stuff down those memories with as much food as possible.

These strategies only work in the short-term, if at all. We then have to face the fact that we have once again overeaten compulsively. Most times we are eating so rapidly that we are not even tasting the food. We feel physically full, but emotionally empty.

Mindful awareness helps us to see our habitual patterns. We have compassion for ourselves as we come to see that food was the best coping mechanism we had. However, we now are able to wisely make better choices through the use of mindfulness. This frees us to have a healthy relationship with food. It also frees us to open up to a glorious life that is not centered around eating.

My clients often tell me that the holidays are "all about the food". This may very well have been true in the past.

Here is my question to you? What would you like your holidays to be about? Sure, food will be there, but what would really bring you peace, love and well being? It's totally up to you and me.

I'm going to do my best to bring mindfulness into these days and evenings so that I am aware of what is going on inside me. It's so easy to flip into the 2 extremes of chaos or rigidity. If I compassionately observe my internal energy, I will be more likely to head off disasters.

Wishing you mindfulness.

Pre-Fall Carb Cravings

2010-09-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

Can you feel the difference in the air? Are you noticing differences in animals' behavior? Are you aware of the subtle & not so subtle signs of the change of seasons that is happening?

Well, let me get right down to what might really be within your awareness & on your mind: Are you craving carbs? and, is that freaking you out?

Well, let me tell you what I have observed over time. In the summer I'm full of energy. I enjoy being out in the sunshine, exercising, gardening, etc. I'm attracted to eating "lite". Salads are very appealing and satisfying. Life is good.

And then, "all of a sudden," I'm sluggish, wanting to take naps, & finding myself digging out recipes for heavy stews, chili, breads, desserts that I have traditionally made in the Fall. I'm craving carbs over and over again. What is wrong with me? This change in behavior panics me. Oh, no, I'm going to become a fat slug. Can you relate to this?

Let me tell you what else I have come to notice. The sunlight has changed. Around Aug. 15 I noticed that in my home, the light coming through the large windows we have in 2 sliding glass doors seemed to be dimmer. It's like when I turn the kitchen light on & realize that 1 of the 4 light bulbs in the fixture has burned out. It "just doesn't look right". I experience this dimming, as if someone pushed a dimmer switch in every room in our home.

This awareness had a familiar ring to it, so I went back to last year's journal &, sure enough, on Aug. 16, 2009 I had written about the same phenomenon.

I am very aware of the action of the animals around me since I love nature & observe it at every chance. We live in a woods & I notice that "all of a sudden", the squirrels have become very active. They are racing all over the trees, causing branches to dip & bow unexpectedly under their weight. They are beginning their loading up with acorns & other nuts & nutty behavior as they bury & then lose their nuts.

In the past couple of weeks the hummingbirds that visit my 2 feeders, have become what seems frantic in loading up on my homemade sugar water nectar. The past day or 2 I only see an occasional hummer at the feeders. I sadly realize that they were "gassing up" for their long migration south.

These are signs that winter is on it's way in the natural world. Why do we forget that we are also a part of that natural world, try as we might to pretend that it isn't so?

So, just like bears & ground hogs, our bodies sense the subtle light changes that signal that the sun is lower in the sky & cause us to have the urge to stock up our fat reserves so that we can survive the long, cold winter ahead of us. What does that best? Carbs, lots & lots of them. So that's why we are instinctively drawn to them. The thought of carbs keeps coming up over and over again in our minds, tempting and tormenting us.

STAY TUNED: In my next post I will give you a strategy for dealing with this annual phenomenon.

Body Image

2010-09-01T19:48:00.000-05:00

Last week I had lunch with my daughter, Jessica. It's always wonderful to have time together with her. We have much in common.

I began talking to her about how sad I think it is that so many females waste valuable moments, days, weeks, etc. of their lives feeling unacceptable because of the way that their bodies look. Their focus is on other women's bodies and a running comparison with their own bodies. If they feel like the loser in this comparison, they're miserable and then feel painful thoughts of inferiority. They avoid doing things and going places until they lose some weight. I told Jessica that I used to be like that and that I'm so grateful that is all behind me. Famous Last Words.

That very evening I attended my gentle yoga / meditation group with a group of women & 1 or 2 brave men. I have participated in this group for almost 2 years & really look forward to going there. I feel very close to everybody who attends as we have had many wonderful moments together.

As we come in, we each go to the cupboard to take out a yoga mat & several blankets. We arrange our little space in the circle with our wonderful leader at the head. She begins with an inspirational reading. I was sitting on my meditation cushion, eyes closed, taking in the meaning of the words she had read and just settling into the lovely inner peace that always slowly moves into my body, like a mist covering a lake after a rain. I smiled to myself knowing that I had a full hour and a half of gentle stretches done at my body's own rate and intensity, followed by meditation.

I became aware that someone had settled down on my left. I opened my left eye and saw that it was a female I had never seen before. I went back to my revery again. A couple of minutes later we stood up & I glanced over at her, to give her a smile of welcome. I noticed that she was much thinner and taller than I. I also noticed that awareness was followed by a tightening in my stomach (maybe I was pulling in my stomach, not sure) There are intermittant mirrors on the wall ahead of us. I couldn't see myself, but I could clearly see the "new girl" on the block, in all of her perfection. I noticed how muscular her arms were. I saw the firmness of her abdomen and thighs. I was beginning to not like this person at all. All of my serenity had burned off like the mist over the lake when the sun comes out. My breathing was irregular. In some of our stretches, we rotate to the right, followed by rotation to the left. I couldn't wait for the rights to change to the left so that I could be even more aware of how superior she was, how inadequate I was. We began to do a simple balance pose on 1 foot. I could not hold it for more than a millisecond. I realized that I was totally ungrounded. I had lost myself.

Suddenly I remembered my conversation with Jessica & felt a smile come to my face. Oops!! Look at how quickly I had become lost. I spent years of my life lost in this type of painful comparison, so even though I was lost, I was in, indeed, very familiar territory. Once I realized what was happening, I was able to detach from this unhealthy behavior. I began to focus on my breath which brought my awareness back inside my own body and being. It felt sooooooo good to come back home!

Now I was back in my new familiar territory of self-care, self-acceptance just as I am. Mmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh This was so much better. I felt safe, secure and serene. I settled down into total body (my body) awareness. My body needs this gentle movement and this acceptance. I spent the majority of my life searching for this wonderful way of being. I used food in my search. It helped keep me lost. Now I use food to support my newfound health.

My awareness of the new girl had moved to the background of my consciousness. It was always nice to have others present, but this time is my time for me to renew my body through gentle stretches and to renew my connection with my inner self.

Making Yourself More Important Than Food

2010-08-24T22:10:00.000-05:00

When I was struggling with my weight for, lo, those many years, I lived in a food oriented world. I went from devouring one meal to immediately beginning to ponder,"What's next?" Now, normal people might answer that question with ideas about what activity they wanted to engage in next or what friend they wanted to call. Not me, that question was always about food - yes, my best friend food. It went everywhere I went in my head (not to mention on my hips and thighs) As I look back, it was all I cared about. What a Johnny-one-note I was. I was more shallow than a crepe (oops!)

When I had my son and daughter, they were the center of my world. However, I soon began cooking and baking up a storm to show them that I loved them. Ouch!! My heart aches to think that I taught them that food = love. I had no clue. That message had started in my childhood & I passed it on. I did it out of ignorance. When I cranked out home-baked bread, jams, pies, cookies, cakes, I truly thought I was being a great Mom. Of course I was my very best consumer of all of these treats. I would bake up a storm, eat my way through it, hate myself and then torment myself with the latest, greatest diet. We all know how that goes. I would take weight off until I started putting it all back on with a little extra for good measure.

I wondered why I was so weak-willed. More than that, I wondered why I could sometimes be fairly smart and then be totally stupid when it came to food.

When I started graduate school to become a counselor, I began to meditate to help me deal with the stress of studying and trying to raise my family. What I remember is that I actually could slow myself down. I could have some moments of reprieve from the incessant critic in my head. In those moments I was actually able to pay attention to whether I was hungry or not - amazing idea! In this relaxed state I could notice the food I was selecting. It became enjoyable to become mindful. I liked the way I felt. I wasn't out of control. I was tuned in to myself. I gradually became more and more comfortable making wise food choices. When I was doing this because I wanted to be mindful of what I was doing and then feeling the good feelings that accompanied that attitude, everything sort of fell into place. It was my idea to eat until I was satisfied and then stop. It wasn't the latest diet guru's idea. It was my very own idea and that made all the difference. I guess I have a strong rebellious streak in me. I guess? What? I know I do! But now all of me was on the same side for a change. I had a brand new interest in self care.

I realized that for the first time I could remember I was making myself more important than food. Suddenly I had time to make a life for myself.

What would it take for you to make yourself more important than food?

A Real Life Example of Integration

2010-07-10T09:05:00.000-05:00

Good morning, Dear Reader. I woke up this AM with the thought that it would be a good idea to give you an example from my life of what I taught you about in last night's blog, so here goes:

Yesterday I had clients back-to-back for 5 hours without a break other than 5 min. between when I tried to check my phone messages, touch up my lipstick, drink some water or tea, run to the restroom, do a mini-meditation, etc. I realized that I had become over-hungry because I hadn't included food in my 5 min. breaks. Uh-oh!! I became aware of that slightly shaky, light-headed sensation that tells me that I have gone too long without food.

Up to this point I had been in the lovely flow of integration of being connected with my clients. Time had flown by. However, at this point I realized that I was at risk. I could feel myself moving into chaos. My mind was darting around telling me that I needed FOOD FAST NOW - LOTS OF FOOD!! I was aware of the tension of emptiness in my stomach, that I was gulping air. My mind is reminding me that my next client is in the waiting room, WAITING!

Welcome to CHAOS. I had been in the flow of integration a short time before, but now I was flailing around in emotional, mental & physiological (bodily) chaos!!

Suddenly I remembered that I had put a jar of dry roasted almonds into my desk drawer last week. I yanked my drawer open, pulled out the jar, got the lid off, intending to stuff as many almonds into my mouth as possible at once (ala hot dog eating contest on tv over the 4th of July weekend!) Suddenly I "woke up" to what was happening. I was in chaos. Part of me wanted ALMONDS - NOW - FAST - ALL OF THEM!! Another part of me was rigidly shaking its finger at me saying, "Shame on you, Cheryl. You know very well that there is a lot of fat in nuts. No nuts for you. Wait until after your next client & then you can have a free hour when you can go get a salad."

I allowed these 2 very different voices in my head - 1 that was chaotic, 1 that was rigid - to rest in my awareness. It became clear to me that there was a middle way between eating the entire jar of almonds OR eating none. I poured a handful out & slowly began to savor each one. I felt a tremendous relief. My body knew that food was on its way. My mind knew that I was settling down with this energy that was coming into my body. After 10 or so nuts, I was fine. I was calm and satisfied. I would be able to greet my next client and move into the wonderful space of connection between us.

I was back into the flow of the River of Integration. There was no remorse that usually follows choices made from a chaotic state. There was no discomfort that usually follows choices made from a state of rigidity.

I was once again present in my life. I was present for myself and present for my client so that we could work together to help her find any ways that integration would help her in her struggles.

I hope that this example is helpful.

Brain Fitness

2010-07-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

I have to share some very exciting information with you. I am part way through a year long on-line webinar course with the man I consider my mentor. He is Dan Siegel, MD. I have read his books & listened to his teaching CDs for the past 10 yrs. I am highly recommending his books. My understanding of mindful eating has grown by leaps and bounds as a result of what I am learning.

This way of understanding our experience of life is called Interpersonal Neurobiology. I would like to share some of the exciting things I am learning.

Mindsight is what Dan calls the way that we can learn about the amazingly rich internal life that we all have. Many of us resist knowing about this part of ourselves. I believe that this is out of fear of the unknown. I have come to see that we can only tame that fear with awareness of what is. Gently getting to know ourselves in this incredibly intimate way is what many if not most of us have been "hungering for" all of our lives.

Most of us with eating issues tend to use All or Nothing thinking or this is also referred to as Black or White thinking. We are either on a diet OR we are eating out of control. We are either being Good OR being Bad when it comes to our eating. We are over-exercising to the point of shin splints & stress fractures OR unable to get up off of the sofa. It never even occurs to us that there is a middle way. In reality this Middle Way brings us harmony, comfort and well-being.

With mindsight we see that this middle way comes from what is called integration. Integration is the linking of 2 separate parts. This integration can be seen like a river that is flowing along. There are banks on either side of this river. One bank is chaos; the other bank is rigidity. When you boil all mental disorders down, each is an example of chaos, rigidity or both.

Bingeing and other out of control eating patterns are examples of chaos. Strict dieting is an example of rigidity. Either example can only be maintained for a limited time until we swing to the opposite side. In the flow of the River of Integration we are flexible, forgiving, creative, mindful and healthy. In the flow of that River of Integration we will find a way to lose weight and maintain our weight without struggle.

I intend to continue to blog about what I am learning. Please let me know what you think.

Who Am I?

2010-06-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

I am a lover of love and peace. I have a cute fabric purse that has Peace and Love on it with the obligatory peace symbol. My clients tell me, "That purse is so you, Cheryl".

My husband, Sid, will frequently call me when we're home, "Okay, Cheryl, you've got 5 min. if you want to rescue this spider." I rush in from whatever I was doing, armed with a tissue, gently pick up the spider so that all 6 legs are intact, carry him to the door & wish him well on his new home outside. Now, if the truth were told, I would be perfectly okay with leaving spiders in the house, assigning a corner & appropriate name to each one. But, since I choose to live with Sid, that is not a viable option.

I am a tree hugger. (If you put your ear up to the deeply furrowed bark of a cottonwood or oak tree, and spread your arms as far as possible around the trunk, you will be amazed at what you hear and feel.)

I cry whenever any unfortunate creature is hurt on tv or in a movie.

I recoil from any signs of aggression or violence. I believe that we should do our best to live and let live.

On a trip to Virginia a few yrs ago with Sid we came upon a lovely pine tree with a thick vine that had a strangle hold on it. It was wrapped over, under and all around the poor tree. Sid & I spent almost an hr. unraveling the vine, saving the pine tree.

I tromp through the snow on my deck to fill the bird feeder so that my feathered friends will have full tummies.

I rescue worms who have been washed out of the soil in a hard downpour & are stranded on now dry sidewalk. I pick them up & carry them over to the grass so that they can once burrow into the ground.

HOWEVER, yesterday, as I was walking past my glorious roses that are enthusiastically growing outside my office window, I spotted an enemy! There to my disbelieving eyes were Japanese beetles, at least 10 deep chowing down on my once beautiful roses. The leaves are now totally riddled with holes. I ran back into my office, cranked up my computer & googled "how to destroy Japanese beetles". Armed with a plan, I then found a tall coffee cup, filled it with hot water & liquid hand soap from the ladies' room, tore out the door into the 98 degree heat, feeling like a soldier in Iraq, & began knocking, grabbing, dunking beetles by the handful into the coffee cup. When it was full, I proudly strode into my office which is next to Sid's office. I asked him if he wanted to see what I had caught in my coffee cup. He wisely said, "Not really", then curiosity got the better of him & he peered into the vessel. There he saw a crawling pile of drowning Japanese beetles. A look of horror came over his face. "Who are you?", he said with dismay. "They look like they're suffering & in agony." "So?", I replied.

Slowly I began to feel a little remorse. What have I done? They're only trying to make a living the only way Japanese beetles know how. I took the now quiet pile of irridescent corpses out to bury them in the soil not too far from the roses.

As I stood up, I spotted another pile of Japanese beetles munching away on a formerly glorious rose. Before I knew it, I was tearing back into the ladies' room to get more hot soapy water.

I guess we all have parts of ourselves that don't seem to match who we like to think we are. I have decided to accept all of these parts of me. How about you?

Back Home Again

2010-06-17T20:28:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am sitting at my computer in my office. We returned from Sedona Tues. evening. What a glorious trip. It's hard for my brain to get it that I'm back here again when I have flashes of beautiful red rock mountains flashing through my head.

But here I am. I look out of my office window & I see a riot of color from the rose bushes that continue to produce tons of bright magenta roses & the hyacinth bushes that are loaded down with a profusion of blue & pink balls of petals. There are bushes with stacks of pink flowers that I haven't identified yet, along with hostas in purple bloom. It's so much more spectacular that I even dreamed when I signed the lease for this space last Fall.

I have had 2 days of sitting with clients back to back, every hour, from 10 to 9 and it has been so fulfilling - every single hour. I truly love, love, love what I do. It is such a pleasure and honor to sit with my clients and feel that I am a part of their lives. I wouldn't trade it for anything else that I can think of. Why do I love it so much? Hmmmmmmm....I believe it's because I believe that people are capable of change. We now know that the brain is "plastic" in that it is capable of change at any age. One of the main things that is necessary for change is attention. I have learned how important it is to be aware of where we place our attention. Do we really want to focus on all that is wrong with us, our children, our spouse, our neighbors, our world? Or would we be better off noticing what is wonderful in this one life we have to live? Which is going to uplift us? Which is going to make us want to do even better than we did the day before?

I want to listen with compassion and empathy to my clients' pain. I want them to know that someone hears and cares.

I want to offer my clients the gift of hope - hope in themselves and in their ability to change their lives in positive ways.

It's so great to see the "lightbulbs" turn on over my clients' heads when they suddenly have a new insight. It's reassuring to see over and over again that when we finally understand that very little in life is under our control other than the way we choose to behave, everything does, indeed, turn out ok. Often it doesn't turn out the way that we think it should, but when we are able to see the big picture, we see that it's ok.

It's wonderful to teach a client how to meditate, how to slow down & eat mindfully, and, ultimately to see that food is not really their problem. Each person comes to see that food has been a symbol of what they are really hungering for in life. After this realization, food is no longer their enemy or their best friend.

It all seems so meaningful to me. It's a pleasure to be a part of this beautiful process of change.

Family trips to Sedona are wonderful. Coming back to my beautiful office and inspiring clients who work so hard is wonderful. IT'S ALL GOOD!!

Greetings from Sedona

2010-06-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

As I write this,I am able to look out the window to see the most amazing red rock formations believable. This is my 3rd visit to Sedona & there is a reason for that. The peace, natural beauty and awesome energy fill me when I'm here - especially when I'm present to them. As usual, it's still easy to find that I've slipped into my thoughts about other places and times. I can even remove myself from the experience of being present in the moment by remembering former Sedona trips & then making comparisons &/or judgments such as 2 years ago, I remember that the sunsets were a little more colorful, or this room is even greater than the one we had 4 yrs. ago. I also have caught myself going out of the present moment to make comparisons within this trip such as yesterday it was sunnier & warmer & I liked that better than today. You see, I only have this moment right now, right here. It's the only time that I'm truly alive.....and now this moment.....and now this moment. When I'm aware of my experience, perhaps, feeling the cushion under my bottom, the one behind my back, the feel of the floor holding my feet up, the plinkety-plink of my netbook keys as I push them, and once again, glance out the window at the spectacular view, I am truly here. I can feel the joy of being alive. I can feel gratitude for being here on vacation with those I love. Life takes on a vibrance when we are in the moment.

Now, I have to say that there is a Sedona vibrance that is hard to beat. But, there is a vibrance that is available no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing.

I am here with a cast of thousands, or so it seems at times. Sid is next to me at our table, and we drove out here with my son, Doug, daughter-in-law, Carlene, grandchildren, Alex, Julia & Isabella & my 86 yr. old Mom. With small children, there are many opportunities for me to forget to be present. However, every time I "wake up" and remember, I take a nice, slow breath & look deeply into their beautiful eyes and everything & everybody calms down. All it takes is one person to regain her footing, and everything changes. Really! Try it!

Time to go on our hike of the day. I will do my best to be present & soak in every last drop of the experience.

What Do I Suggest?

2010-05-24T19:50:00.000-05:00

Well, last post I mentioned the possibility of my recommending books, CDs, etc to you here and that Amazon would provide the info so that you may directly order the book from this blog - pretty cool! I asked for feedback & I have only had positive feedback so I will proceed, accordingly.

I began "studying" the issue of weight management & eating disorders when I was in graduate school & knew that I wanted to specialize in that area. I guess I figured that I had spent my entire life paying attention to my weight issues & that now it was time to help others & that, hopefully, it would continue to help me. Of course one of the great parts of my job as a counselor is that is that I am inspired by my clients' efforts, ideas, and creativity.

Geneen Roth was the very first person whose books I began to read to help me understand what was really going on with weight issues. Through her own life experiences, she was able to speak so forthrightly & so humorously about those things that only those of us who have "been there, done that" could appreciate.

Geneen has a brand new book, WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. In this book she helps us see that it isn't really food that we want, even though we really, really want to believe that it is. Food will lead us to a discovery of what we are really hungering for in our lives. She presents her book through the eyes of those who attend her popular weeklong workshops. She keeps guiding her attendees back and back and back, gently, (sometimes) back to themselves. She helps to hold up a mirror to them so that they can see their reality.

I have read this book several times. I have 1 copy at home and 1 in my office. I also have purchased her CD of the same name & listen to it as I drive back & forth to my office through the Missouri River floodplain. You see, sad as it is to say, I learn best through repeated readings by me & also by hearing the same information. It really helps to get it through my thick head.

If I already have figured this out in my life & if I am already teaching these concepts to my clients why on Earth would I want to study this so intensely? There are always new ways of hearing things, of taking them in to increase my knowledge for both myself & my clients. I take all of you with me every where I go. I am always trying to make sense of myself so that I can share any insights that I glean that I think might be of help to you whether you are my client or my blog reader or both.

Well, I'm a little anxious about pushing "publish post" since I don't know what to expect from my trying to follow directions about how to list the copies of Geneen's books via Amazon. You see, I don't have my daughter, son nor their spouses handy as I sit here in my office tonight to give me their invaluable advice. Unexpected things often happen when I try new things on my computer, but here goes..........

Some Reading Ideas for You

2010-05-21T19:15:00.000-05:00

I have been reading for years & years about how to lose weight. Some things have really been helpful & others, well, they've made me hungry! Most recently I have been studying the brain and how the brain, mind & relationships interract to help create the most well-being in our lives. Are your eyes beginning to glaze over yet? I hope not because there is much going on in the area of neuroscience that is really helping me to understand why overeaters do the seemingly irrational things that we do. I believe that if we understand what is really going on underneath our bizarre behavior, we will begin to be able to make better choices. I am currently taking a year long on-line course with Dr. Dan Siegel with over 100 other students on all continents of the world except for Antarctica, although Dan is looking into having some penguins sign up! Anyway, it's very challenging &, to me, very exciting. I will be filling you in on what I am learning as I digest it (ah, yes, a food-related term, of course), make sense of it & then figure out a creative way to present it to you here.

I also wanted to mention that through Amazon, I have been given the opportunity to mention books that I highly recommend to you, my Dear Reader. These will then be displayed in some way on this blog that I do not quite understand that will allow you to order the book if you choose to do so. I also want to make it clear that I will receive a small fee if you do. I have done my very best in this blog to be painfully honest with you & do not want to do anything that will negatively affect whether you trust me. That's why I am being upfront about this. I am always interested in receiving feed back from you. Please let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I am reading, studying, savoring, counseling, living, loving, relating, gardening, jogging, hiking &, hopefully, garnering information that I can share with you to help you create a life worth living.

Keeping Your Eye On The Ball

2010-05-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

When I was a girl, learning to play softball, my Dad was my teacher. He would take me into our large back yard & begin with the basics.

I was an only child & was not allowed to cross the street until I was 12. Alas, all the neighborhood kids lived on the other side of the street. I was not able to learn from other kids since I had no access to them. Therefore, my Dad became my teacher.

Although I wasn't thrilled at the time, I now am extremely grateful for all of the wisdom that he shared with me. He would tell me, "Cheryl, you always have to keep your eye on the ball. If you do, you will be able to easily hit it." I always tried to do what my Dad told me to do because things always worked out when I did. I became a pretty good softball player. I always was able to hit the ball when we played in P.E. My friends couldn't figure out what my secret was. They, poor things, didn't have my Dad as a teacher.

What was even better for me was that Dad would notice times in my life when I was struggling with something & he would gently remind me, "Cheryl, I wonder if you've taken your eye off the ball...." Suddenly it would be clear in a very simple way exactly what I needed to do.

Dad never said anything to me about my weight issues. He had probably learned the hard way from my mom that that is one issue a man never brings up with a woman he loves - never, ever!! I wonder if anything would have gone differently if I had remembered to keep my eye on the ball in the food arena back then?

What would that look like? I read recently that Discipline (ugh! not an overeater's favorite word, right?) is about remembering what you really want....and behaving accordingly. So this has to do with being very clear with ourselves about what we really, really want. In the moment that an obsessional food thought strikes us, we might think that what we really want is a hot fudge sundae. But is that true? Is that what we really, really want? Or is there something deeper, something that goes beyond instant gratification that we want?

Let's look at the options: If we have that hot fudge sundae, the most delicously fun part is the anticipation. The actually eating of it may or may not be enjoyable. Often we stuff it down mindlessly without actually tasteing it, so we don't even know. We weren't there for the event. Our mind was elsewhere. But whether we enjoyed it or not, I can pretty well guarantee that the aftermath is bitter, indeed. The guilt sets in immediately. Once again, we have let ourselves down. We've shown ourselves how weak we are, etc., etc. The self-recrimination is painful and ugly.

What if we don't have that hot fudge sundae? Well, that all depends. It depends upon how we make that choice. Do we harshly & rigidly say to ourselves, "NO! You can't have that hot fudge sundae. Shame on you for even thinking of having it!" This sort of mean attitude causes us to either to have "poor me" thoughts which might end up in 2 hot fudge sundaes later or in rebellious thinking which might end up in at least 3 hot fudge sundaes later!!

Another way of making the choice to not have that hot fudge sundae comes from seriously considering the hot fudge sundae & at the same time remembering that what you really, really want. You might want to make healthy food choices that will make you feel good about yourself afterwards. You might remember that you want to be able to move around easily & fit into your clothing. You want to have the freedom to sit wherever you want without having to worry about whether you might get stuck in the chair, without having to worry about having to ask for a seat belt extender on the airplane. You want to have the freedom that comes from keeping your eye on the ball. You also want to continue to build a good, respectful relationship with yourself.

My Dad is gone now, but his message to me has taken on new meaning. I wake up in the morning, setting clear intentions for myself for the day ahead. I remind myself that I want to bring mindfulness into my moments whenever I am able. I always want to keep my eye on the ball of mindfulness, trying to make wise choices that will allow me to feel good about myself afterwards.

Colonoscopy Blues or All Pooped Out

2010-04-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

Well, dear Reader, we are going to undertake a journey in this blog that is less than glamorous, way less!

My doctor informed me that it was time for me to have a colonoscopy. Little did I know what ancient history behavior the preparation for this procedure would stimulate.

For those of you who are young & innocent enough to not know what the procedure is, let me explain as delicately as possible. You must drink way more Gatorade than you would ever dream of drinking in the same day, mixed with a laxative solution after taking 4 laxative pills. During this time you need to stay home, close to your indoor home plumbing while emptying the contents of your internal body plumbing. This is all done to prepare for smooth sailing the following day for your gastroenterologist who will be sending a little camera up into your colon to make sure everything is OK in there.

Amazingly the above described stuff was the easy part for me. The problem came with the directions that said that I was not to ingest anything but clear liquids the day before the colonoscopy. It also mentioned that it would be best to eat lightly the day before that.

You must understand that in my earlier premindfuleating days, I was a black vs. white, all vs. nothing, perfectly on a diet vs. perfectly off a diet person. So, like a good little colonoscopy patient-to-be, I decided to eat very, very lightly starting 2 days before the procedure.

So, I woke up on the actual day of clear liquid only diet preparation HUNGRY!! The word "diet" makes me hungry. The thought of clear liquids makes me hungry. Put them together & I am very, very HUNGRY!!!! The plan was for Sid and me to pick my mom up for lunch before it was time for me to begin the Gatorade cleanse. That had sounded fine to me a week earlier when I agreed to it, back when I was still sane.

Sanity flew out the window when I began to walk into the restaurant. As I smelled the incredibly fragrant smells & saw the dishes piled high with breathtakingly delicious items, I felt a cloud of melancholy descend down through my body at the same time that my mouth began to water. When our order came to the table, my tall glass of apple juice was unable to hold it's own against Sid's & Mom's meals. I thought I was going to swoon when the waitress set a plate with the most perfectly toasted English muffin I had ever seen, slathered in butter, one of my very most favorite things, down between Sid & me. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to keep from grabbing that muffin and stuffing it into my mouth! Over and over I had that strong urge to grab and stuff, grab and stuff!

I felt so incredibly sorry for myself. It was so unfair, to be starving in a sea of abundant food. Why could everybody else be eating whatever they wanted? What had I ever done to deserve this? Poor Cheryl.

It dawned on me that this was how I had lived years and years of my life. I would be adhering perfectly to the latest diet fad and then a moment would come where that same melancholy would come over me as I felt so sad and so pathetic. That was followed by a compensatory bout of overeating that would totally undo all of my perfect dieting.

This time I just became mindful of what I was feeling, the urges I had, the hopeless thoughts that marched through my mind. It was all so familiar.

I am proud to report that I did not steal anybody's food, nor did I throw a fit. I adhered to the doctor's orders. I would like to think that he was impressed at how clean my plumbing was. I was given color photos of said plumbing and, dear Reader, I am sure you will be pleased to see that I have resisted the urge to post them here or anywhere else, for that matter, although everything was sparkling clean.

I'm back to a life of mindfully eating what I want, stopping when I'm satisfied and being grateful to be free to do so.

Letting My Heart Be Touched

2010-04-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

Geez, I haven't been here for a while. I apologize. Sometimes when I have the most inspired thoughts, I'm in the shower or driving the car & can't really type those thoughts down. Then I lose the inspiration.

But, here I am today & now in this present moment.

As I have tried to make sense of my life, I have learned many things and have found many wonderful teachers. Some of them are my clients.

Many years ago I began to operate from my shoulders up. I learned to turn off my body feelings in response to some painful whippings with a big black leather belt with a large silver buckle. I thought I was quite clever to be able to go to the dentist and never need any novacaine. I could just stare at the corner of the room & block out any sensations of pain. I used this talent in many ways long after the whippings were over.

I imagine that food became a solace for me, another way to turn off uncomfortable feelings of an emotional nature. I guess it was was my emotional novacaine.

One of the things that I discovered in my relections about what was not working in my life was that in many ways I was totally numb. Spring would come & I couldn't really let myself feel much about it. I graduated from graduate school & didn't really have any feelings about it the way that other students did. I went home after finishing my final final exam & pulled weeds. I was sometimes asking myself, "Is this all there is?", "What's the point?"

When I began a mindfulness practice, I began to meditate. I was sitting still with myself. There was nothing to do - except be quietly with me. I journaled about my experience with mindfulness & very slowly began to see that I was very good at talking to myself about everything in my life, but I never felt much of anything about anything.

Now, I have to hasten to add that the major exceptions to this were my children. They brought me feelings of wonder & tenderness & love in a vibrant way. I experienced many wonderful feelings by observing them & seeing the world through their eyes. But, children have a way of growing up & then I was back to my numbed out self.

As I developed mindfulness skills, I was intrigued by the idea of looking at a flower without talking to myself about the flower - just taking in the essence of the flower. At first I thought it was impossible. Then, little by little, magic began to happen in my heart. All of my descriptions of the color, size, name of the flower died away. I was no longer comparing this flower to other flowers. It was just this flower and me. I started to relax the area around my heart as I breathed slowly & then the flower "touched" my heart, emotionally. It was so wonderful. I felt alive - for the first time in a long time. It was as if the flower began to glow with its essence and I began to resonate with that.

This process has expanded unbelievably over the years. I try to bring mindfulness to more & more aspects of my life. If I'm getting a little irritated at Sid, I "wake up" & remember to look at his essence & suddenly I am filled with love & respect for who he really is. Without my saying a word, he knows & responds positively to me.

I am moving to a new office building 2 blocks from where I currently work May 1. I just went over there to check it out. There are rose bushes right outside my window. Little buds are bursting out all over the bushes. I walked out into the wonderful outdoor courtyard which will be a perfect meditation walkway. There was a dogwood tree in full bloom overhead. It took my breath away. I have found that those times when nature takes my breath away, I need to really take in the beauty to warm me on the inside the way my grandchildren so naturally do.

At my age I realize how short life is. I want to drink in every last part of it. (As I wrote that I was aware that I also am careful about what I expose myself to. I don't expose myself to violence or other toxic things). I take food into my body that I really enjoy. I see it. I taste it. I feel its presence in me as I swallow it.

There is so much to experience and to feel. I am grateful that I no longer am numb.

Where Are You When You Are Eating?

2010-03-11T09:51:00.000-06:00

This seems to have been a particularly long, dark, cold winter here in St. Louis. (I wonder if I think that every year at this time?)

In the past week Spring has been tentatively making some advances. This morning I decided to take my breakfast out onto my deck in the sunshine to start my day off in a bright, cheery way, soaking up all of the warmth I could.

I sat down with my little bowl of yogurt topped with nuts & cereal. I took a couple of nice, deep breaths to center myself in the experience of taking in both the food & the lovely experience. So far so good, right?

The next thing I knew, I became aware that I was crunched forward, stareing in the direction of my bowl, feverishly thinking about all the things I had to accomplish today & about how there wasn't enough time to do it. I realized that I only had 1 bite left in my bowl.

I missed it! I hadn't been present for my breakfast. I was in my head stressing myself with my thinking which, as usual, would do nothing to solve the time problem. So, now I was feeling frustrated with myself & my mindlessness.

I interrupted all of this by straightening up & taking a nice, slow breath. Suddenly I was back in the awareness of Spring warming me. I heard the birds calling. I saw the trees gracefully moving to the rhythm of the breeze.

I mindfully took my last bite of breakfast. I was aware of the texture in my mouth, of the food being swallowed & then moving on down into my body to nourish it.

I realized that this last bite nourished all of me - my senses, my heart and my mind. What a lovely way to start my day.

Mindful Eating Nitty-Gritty I: Where Are You When You're Eating?

2010-02-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

So, my question to you as we start to delve a little more into Mindful Eating is, as you can see from the title of this post, Where Are You When You're Eating?

What do I mean by that?

Well, most of us rarely inhabit our bodies when we do anything. We are usually "up in our heads", worrying about the future or stewing about the past. We are anywhere but in the present moment, paying attention to ourselves and our current experience.

We say that we love food more than anything else, but in reality, we're usually "not there" when eating. We might be driving the car & eating. We might be reading & eating. We might be watching tv & eating. The list goes on & on.

Why does it matter?

We can only truly, effectively pay attention to 1 thing at a time. There is a lot of brain research supporting this assertion. I know, I know. Multitasking is considered the only way to function in our society. Have you ever noticed how much stress, unhappiness & dissatisfaction there also is in our society? Perhaps if we were to slow down, take a deep breath & check in with ourselves every once in a while, life might appear differently to us.

Back to the food issue. If we were to slow down & make thoughtful food choices, we would be off to a good start. If we were then to slowly use our senses to enjoy the food that we choose, we would use our eyes to see the food, our nose to smell the aromas, our sense of touch & taste to be aware of the food in our mouth so that we could savor this food experience.

If you begin to mindfully (& kindly) observe your eating, you might notice that you grab your food, gulp it down & then want more because you don't feel satisfied.

Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or cookies to watch tv & the first thing you know, your hand is touching the bottom of the now empty bag & you don't remember eating any of it because you weren't paying attention?

I was once advised to eat like a gourmet rather than a glutton. The comparison was made to a wine connessieur vs an alcoholic. The wine connessieur (hope that's spelled right) pours the wine slowly into the glass, holds the glass up to the light to look for clarity, sniffs the "bouquet", & takes one sip which is held in the mouth. An alcoholic grabs whatever is available & gulps it down & down until the desired effect occurs.

When you eat mindfully, you know you are eating. You are paying attention to your experience. Your brain is aware that you are eating. You notice that your body is becoming satisfied, so that you can stop when you have had enough.

Why not bring some mindfulness into your next meal - not to beat yourself up for not doing it right, but to notice where you might be able to create a better, more fulfilling experience?

Mindful Eating on a Cruise

2010-02-02T10:59:00.000-06:00

It's good to be back home & to have the extra time now to blog.

The title of this post, Mindful Eating on a Cruise, might seem like an oxymoron. Since this was my first cruise, many friends told me that I needed to leave my mindful eating home. It's not possible with all of the wonderful food that's available.

Well, they were right in terms of all the wonderful food that was available. However, I'm very grateful that I remembered to pack my mindful eating, along with the anti-seasickness patches for behind my ears!

There seemed to be miles and miles of beautifully displayed food set out around the clock. There were so many choices ranging from totally decadent layers upon layer of fudge-caramel-mousse-torte whatevers to vegetarian dishes.

In my out of control eater days of yore, I imagine that I would have become overwhelmed with all of the choices. I would have wanted to load up on all of the things that I thought I shouldn't eat, because, after all, we paid for it, who knows when I'll ever have this chance to eat this stuff again, etc., etc.

In reality, I came home after a week on-board having lost a lb.!! I certainly wasn't dieting. Dieting is no longer a part of my life.

What I found was that having lots of food choices and lots of relaxed time to make those choices freed me to slow down, look at everything available & check in with my body to see what I was actually hungry for. My decisions weren't based on what looked the most forbidden or the healthiest, but what my body really wanted & needed at that particular point in time. It was fun.

Sometimes I would choose something, take a bite & know that it wasn't what I wanted & push it away. I was pleased that I was able to pay such good attention to what I was experiencing. It felt great!!

I never felt deprived because I ate all sorts of things. I had some wonderful praline cheesecake on 2 occasions. I had some vegetarian dishes that I had always wanted to try. I liked some & some didn't suit me at that particular moment.

Sid & I ran & walked 20 - 30 minutes on the running deck 4 days. We toured Puerto Rico, Tortola, St. Martins & Nassau, Bahamas. It was wonderful.

The most wonderful part was being there with Sid, my son, Doug, his wife, Carlene, & 3 of my 5 grandchildren, Alex, Julia, & Isabella. It's always fun being with them. Their presence was what filled me up with warm loving memories rather than food filling me up with self-loathing & fat.

My Next "Opportunity"

2010-01-08T08:39:00.000-06:00

Today I am leaving to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise with Sid & my son & his family. This is my first cruise. It's been interesting to note my clients' reactions to this.

"You're going to be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with all that FOOD!!"

"Just accept the fact that you're going to gain 10 lbs!!"

"There's no way any one can go on a cruise without stuffing themselves with all of that delicious food. There will be anything you could ever want."

"This is your vacation. Don't try to limit yourself. You'll ruin it"

All I know is that it will be lovely to be in a new setting (especially a warm one) with my family. This is an adventure and I will bring mindfulness to my experiences as often as possible.

Stay tuned.

I will honestly fill you in on how it goes after I return.

BON VOYAGE

New Year's Eve Opportunity

2009-12-31T11:14:00.000-06:00

It's New Year's Eve. Every moment gives us a new opportunity. " A new opportunity for what?," you ask. And my answer is, "Precisely!"

What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?

And now, you have a new chance: What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?

New moments with their promise of new opportunities just keep coming, one after the other. Isn't that great? We don't have to do it perfectly right now because there will be a new moment, new opportunity.

As I write this, I remember how I used to procrastinate, thinking, "I'll make changes tomorrow," and those tomorrows continued to come and go with no new changes, just new promises.

How to resolve this dilemma?

Perhaps it would be useful to stop right now. Take a few deep, calming breaths and out of this place of calmness, let yourself think about The Woman (or Man) I Would Like to Be.......

Think in terms of how that person approaches life, dilemmas, relationships, nurturance, etc.........

And now, what one small change can you make right now to move in the direction of becoming that person?

Happy New Year and Happy New Moment (with its new opportunity)

The Amazing Power of Mindlessness

2009-12-27T11:59:00.002-06:00

When I turned on my computer the other day, there was a article that "caught my attention" because it was about food (of course). It had a picture of a big, juicy cheeseburger that really reeled me in. It was one of those "Choose this, not that" articles about cheeseburger choices at various fast food places. In some sort of hypnotic state, I merrily clicked my way through the choices, admiring each of the accompanying photos. Then I began plotting, thinking about my schedule & trying to figure out how to get to the nearest fast food joint to get what looked best to me.

What looked best to me, you might wonder? I wanted the "not that" choices - the ones that had 42 grams of fat & 1200 calories!! There was this thrill of urgency, of excitement of "Oh, boy!"

And then I woke up! My mindfulness kicked in.

Do you know what was the most amazing part of this for me? I don't even like cheeseburgers!! I don't remember the last time I had one on purpose (although it probably was when somebody made one & I ate it because I needed to put what I perceived as their need before mine - & yes, Dear Reader, I will devote an article to that subject, I promise)

I learned years ago that cheeseburgers give me tremendous indigestion & heartburn. I feel crummy after I eat one.

So what on earth was going on here? Was I delusional?

In fact, I mindlessly got carried away by old habitual patterns. I used to love high fat, high calorie foods, in part, because I never paid sufficient attention to myself or to my body to notice the effect of these foods, other than the resultant fat that accumulated on my body. I had reverted to old ways of thinking. I had been carried away by the fantasy of the "fun" factor that I perceived in the pictures.

So what happened when I say that "I woke up?" That's when I became mindful of my experience. I became aware of the present moment where I was sitting in front of my computer screen with my mouth watering.

It was as if I had awoken from a dream. Now I once again had my wits about me & became curious about what was really going on.

Sometimes when something like this happens it's just because I'm tired & fall back into old ways of thinking.

Other times it's a signal to me that I need a break from what I'm doing - even a 5 min. walk can make a big difference.

Other times it's because I'm hungry & I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals.

Or perhaps I need a little more fun in my day.

Maybe I need to make a connection with a friend.

It always boils down to needing to slow down, take a couple of nice, deep breaths & bring my attention back to me. I need to get to a centered place where I can calmly reflect on what I really need.

So, you might be able to see, that my mindless eating patterns of my past were attempts by me to get my own attention. Back then I knew I wanted something, so I gave myself food - lots & lots of food.

But it never seemed to be enough. It never would be enough because food was not was I was starved for. I was hungering for a deep, nurturing relationship with myself.

You will see that this is an ongoing theme for me & for many others who have become mindful eaters: What do you really want?

Even though your thinking might be screaming, "Food!" "Food!", keep asking yourself,
"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED?"

Listening with the Heart

2009-12-18T16:28:00.000-06:00

On Wed. I received a desperate call from an insurance co. in Chicago that I do business with, requesting me to go on-site into a local corporation to conduct a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, which in this particular case means grief counseling for a workplace suicide that had been discovered Wed. afternoon. A young woman had killed herself & the co. wanted me to help the co-workers deal with whatever feelings came up Thurs. am right after the co-workers would learn about this tragedy. I said, "Yes" without hesitation for this 4 1/2 hr. assignment. Fortunately,it fit in with my private practice schedule.

I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.

Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.

Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."

Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.

I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."

So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."

Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.

Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."

I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.

I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.

When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."

I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.

With visions of ................dancing through my head

2009-12-16T17:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I found out why my head has been so clogged. I have a double ear infection & a sinus infection. I'm on meds now so relief is on the way. I've been really tired as I battle these infections, so I thought I'd take a nap just now since I have a free hr. between 9 clients today. I put my head down & suddenly I saw visions of this blog dancing through my head. Try as I might, they would not go away, so here I am.

I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.

A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.

It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.

Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.

I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.

Food is just food! Oh, no!

There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!

A Party in My Mouth

2009-12-13T11:54:00.000-06:00

First some whining: I still am totally clogged up from the cold I got a week ago AND I still can't taste anything, let alone breathe without bursting into spasms of subterranean coughing & hacking, can't hear much of anything except my own coughing & wheezing, etc. Aaahhhh. That feels better. I needed that.

Now, let's get back to a relevant point: I haven't been able to taste anything for about a week. This has given me an excellent opportunity to contemplate the purpose of taste in my life, both pre- & post- mindfulness.

Pre-mf, I can remember becoming hugely anxious when I lost my sense of taste due to a cold. I would blow my nose incessantly, hoping to unclog the taste pipeline. I would press the food against the roof of my mouth with my tongue, thinking that that might squeeze out a zing of some sort of flavor. I would become somewhat (well, maybe a lot) obsessed about continuing to try different foods, thinking, "This time I'll get a taste". Other people lose weight when they lose their sense of taste. Not me. I would gain weight because I refused to ACCEPT what was going on. My body was working it's way through a cold & part of that process included loss of taste. It was as though I couldn't live without the entertainment of the taste of food in my mouth. Without the taste, I felt that there was nothing.

Post-mf, I'm aware that I feel disappointment in the morning when I have my first bite of food that there still is no taste due to my cold. That feeling passes & then I move on to experiencing eating without taste. Last night my husband, Sid, & I went to Uno's where I ordered a roasted veggie wrap. In the past I have really enjoyed the blend of flavors. Last night I became aware of the assortment of bright colors of the veggies - the brilliant reds of the roasted red peppers & tomatoes, the varying shades of green of the green peppers & zucchini, the purple of the onions & the yellow of the squash & cabbage. It was a frigid evening here in St. Louis, MO. Everything is gray & brown outside. It was delightful to see the colors of these veggies which had obviously grown elsewhere in the warm sunlight where they matured to the point of being harvested. What a blessing to have access to such healthy food. I then became aware of the potential for healing that these veggies offered my body which was busy trying its best to get me back to normal. I was grateful that I had made this food choice. I paid careful attention to the texture of the food in my mouth.

It seems to me now, that, if I look for it, there is always something of value to focus on. I guess in the past, I made up my mind ahead of time about "how things are supposed to be". (eg., You are supposed to be able to taste food, no matter what) I would then go about trying to force things into my narrow requirements.

The older I get, the more life I experience, the more I work with clients to help them live the best lives they can live, the more it becomes clear to me that ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT IS RIGHT NOW is really important. That doesn't mean resignation & giving up. It means that we always have the "opportunity" to make the best of whatever is right now in this very moment.

As my Dad, Les Kelchner, was dying, he told me, "Cheryl, one thing you need to remember & tell your clients is:

ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN LIFE
YOU MIGHT NOT SEE IT AT FIRST,
BUT, IF YOU LOOK,
IT WILL BE THERE"

So, even though I no longer have, nor want, the wild & wooly parties in my mouth of my earlier life with their high fat, high sugar, high calorie content, I, now, see & enjoy the abundant richness that comes my way when I pay mindful attention to the food choices I make.

What the heck is mindfulness & why should you care?

2009-12-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

It dawned on me that I haven't really written about mindfulness & why I think it's so great, so, here goes:

Mindfulness is paying attention to our experience in the present moment with curiosity and openness. For me, it's a totally different way of living my life.

What does mindfulness do for me? It allows me to be close to myself, noticing what is happening inside me from moment to moment. It allows me to make choices that are in my best interest. When I'm mindless, I'm tossed about by my thoughts & feelings. I'm lost in the midst of my life. One thought after another takes me over & I take them seriously.

What is mindful eating? It's developing a brand new relationship to food.
It's noticing any habitual urges, craving thoughts that automatically pop into my head when I see some sort of trigger food (which used to be high fat, high sugar foods for me), seeing them as what they are: only thoughts &/or sensations. I DO NOT need to mindlessly do whatever they tell me to do. This is my life. I am now in on the process of deciding what I really want when food is calling to me. Often, for me, I need some form of self-care. I need to ask myself, "What's up? What do I need right now?" I might be tired & need to take a short nap, if possible. I might need to get up & move, get some fresh air. I might need to go for an invigorating walk. I might need to call a friend. Being mindful of that "siren call" of food gives me valuable info that I need to slow down, & check in with myself. It feels so much better than any dessert ever has or ever will.

What are you really hungry for?

Feeling Crummy

2009-12-06T10:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday & today I have been developing a cold. What I have noticed is that when I don't feel well, the old habitual compulsive food thoughts really ramp up. I have heard "Go on downstairs to the refrigerator & check to see if there's any ice cream left," countless times. When that thought pops into my head, there's a little spark of energy: "Oh, boy! Ice cream!" Then reality sets in. Ice cream (amazingly) is not what I want or need right now. I have a hacking cough that would only be aggravated by a creamy dairy product & I can't really taste anything, anyway. But it's fascinating to see how that initial thought grabs my attention & the exciting energy that accompanies it is almost enough to pop me up out of my chair & head me to the kitchen.

Once again I'm amazed at the power of these food thoughts - especially given how today ice cream would just make me feel worse health-wise as well as emotionally. What I suspect as I ponder this is that today I basically feel crummy & I want some attention. I want me to pay attention to me in a nurturing way. In my life nurturance has gotten tangled up with food (especially creamy ice cream), so if I have any physical or emotional need, I automatically have turned to ice cream to "make it all better". In reality, of course, it ends up making it all worse, but I never would remember that in time to head it off. Through the development of mindfulness in my life, I am "tuned in" to what that automatic voice in my head is up to & am able to figure out what I really need.

In this case, I think what I really need is to get off the computer & go back to bed for a little nap.

What am I doing?

2009-12-01T09:29:00.000-06:00

How can I get so lost so quickly? Why is mindfulness so difficult? Aren't things supposed to get easier with practice? How can I expect my clients to do this when I am so imperfect at it? Aren't I supposed to be a model for mindfulness? Why am I so human? Is that it? Is that the real point - that I have some sort of desire to overcome my imperfections as a person & become perfect?

This morning I took my breakfast out onto the deck, even though it was in the 40's. I was wrapped up in my heavy robe & wanted to soak in some sunshine while I mindfully ate. Great plan. The next thing I knew, my spoon was scraping the bottom of my bowl! What happened? Where was I? I missed my meal. My body was there, but my mind had carried me away to some worrisome place. I missed the sumptuous feel of the yogurt against my tongue, the interplay of flavors from the toppings I had chosen. It was gone down my throat by the time I woke up. As usual, I began to beat myself up. "When am I ever going to get this right?" But then I thought, it's not about right or wrong. It's about being with what is. My mind carried me away. Guess what? I will have plenty more chances to be present to my experience. It's all ok. Kindness & compassion towards myself do not come easily. This has been a very challenging part of my mindfulness practice. I can forgive anybody else just about anything, but not so much for me. Today will bring more opportunities. It always does.

Dealing with Loss

2009-11-29T22:02:00.000-06:00

Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, we went to Branson, MO with my son, daughter-in-law & 3 of our grandchildren for the long weekend. Their little pomeranian dog, Honey, began to be sick. To make a long, sad story short, she died this morning as they drove her to the only vet they could find that was open, 45 mis. away. I broke the news to our little 5 yr. old granddaughter, who had spent the night in our hotel room with us. Her little body shook with sobs & weeping. I held her & comforted her & my husband & I spent a couple of hours talking with each of our grandchildren about how hard it is to lose someone we love so much. We told them about what it was like when our childhood dogs died, etc. We all grieved together. When it was time to leave, my husband & I got into our car for our 4 hr. drive home. I was overcome by cravings for comfort food. I wanted mashed potatoes, a hot fudge sundae or 2 or 3, meatloaf like my Mom used to make, etc., etc. The cravings were strong. It's amazing how powerful they were & how they kept making u-turns & coming back into my awareness over & over again.

Luckily I was able to see them for what they were. My mindfulness training allowed me to understand that my mind was doing it's "best" to distract me from the pain that I was feeling about Honey's death. It wanted to carry me away on a magic carpet ride to the land of comfort food, full tummies, etc. where everything is fine & feelings of loss don't exist. My cravings were so strong that I could actually taste the food that was "calling" to me. I could imagine what it would feel like to have that nice, full feeling in my stomach. There were all sorts of seductive thoughts that danced their way through my head such as, "Oh, it's ok just this once. After all you deserve it for taking such good care of the grandchildren." "Or, it's such a long ride home & you'll feel much better with a full stomach."

It's not that I don't allow myself to eat or anything like that. It's that when I checked in with my body (as opposed to my chattering mind), I was not actually hungry. If I had been hungry, maybe I would have decided to have meatloaf & mashed potatoes. However, when I had the cravings, I was not hungry for food. I sat with the feelings & realized that what I really wanted was some empathy from me to me for all of the feelings of sadness & loss that had been stirred up by the day's events. I allowed myself to just sit mindfully with the feelings that were there inside me rather than pushing them away & shoving them down with food. I also talked to my husband about what I was feeling & found that he felt much the same. A couple of hours later we stopped at Panera Bread Co. & got a couple of sandwiches to eat in the car. I realized that I was only hungry for part of mine & saved the rest for later.

There will always be feelings of loss & sadness. That's a part of life. But I've found that I can "invite those feelings in for a cup of tea" rather than run from them. It allows me to live a full life without fearing my feelings. It also opens me to enjoying all of the textures of life. I can still feel my granddaughter's sobs ebb as I comforted her. She would settle down & then she would remember Honey & the pain would come back & we would face it together with love & once again it would pass. Can I protect her from pain? No. Even though there is a part of me that doesn't want anyone that I love to ever have to feel pain, I know that that isn't possible &, besides, pain does not kill us, especially when we learn how to not resist it. It's the resistance that causes us problems. A full, rich, rewarding life includes all feelings. We just need to remember to "invite them in for a cup of tea".

mindful eating on Thanksgiving, 2009

2009-11-26T15:34:00.000-06:00

It's Thanksgiving, 2009. My clients tell me that "Thanksgiving is all about the FOOD"! I ask them, "Is that true? If so, is that what you would really like it to be all about?"
So here I am at 3:35pm on Thanksgiving & so far my day has been pretty much all about the food. But it's been about the preparation of the food. My husband, my Mom & I will be joining my son, daughter-in-law, my 5 grandchildren, my daughter, my son-in-law & other in-laws at my son's home for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Actually it has new traditions for me. Before I learned to be a mindful eater, I would be eating my way through my baking & cooking all day long. I would show up as stuffed as any turkey! The worst part would be all of the hateful feelings that I would feel toward myself. Once again I would have let myself down food-wise & eaten everything in sight. At the official feast, I would continue to eat & eat, putting my attention onto the food & away from all the family members who had gathered together. I was too ashamed of myself & just wanted to have a relationship with my food.
Since developing a mindful relationship to food & to my life, in general, I have new traditions. I mindfully washed the cranberries & apples for the cranapple sauce I always make. I really soaked in the spectacularly brilliant red spheres of the cranberries. After the sauce was made, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it - again, it was the color that was drawing me. I couldn't help but think of all the healthy phytochemicals I was taking for my family to enjoy. I was totally present for the process of peeling & peeling & peeling all of the apples for my pies. I'm a pro at not breaking a "string" of apple skin once I start peeling an apple, so it was fun to see that I haven't lost my touch this year. (Shows how often I peel apples, huh?) It was challenging to shape the pie dough into a lattice-work crust, but I did it & I assume all of my "mistakes" will be eaten, anyway. As I prepare to leave, I am setting an intention to be present with all of the people that I will soon be joining that I love. I want to embody the love that I feel for them rather than be distracted by food or anything else. I want to express thankfulness. I want to really see the food, smell the food, & make wise choices so that I can really savor it & be a food gourmet rather than a glutton! In this way I am embodying what I teach my clients about mindful eating. I want my life to be delicious!