I am the person that others look to for guidance in the practice of mindfulness, right? As a matter of fact people even pay me for that guidance. One might then expect that I have mastered this business of paying attention to what is, in my life, right?
You probably think you know where this is going, don't you? A psychotherapist's confession is about to be put forth for all to see. You might also expect this to be accompanied by sarcasm & self-reproach for my inadequacy.
Now, I must admit that there was frustration flying around my house this morning when I discovered that my keys were not where they were supposed to be. However, I have reflected on this as the day has progressed, and, through the use of self-compassion I have held my own hand gently so that I can see that this is not the end of the world - not even close. I reminded myself that I had a childhood & subsequent life events where it seemed necessary to stay aware of what others were thinking, feeling & doing in order to feel safe. I lost the ability to stay connected with my own internal & external experiences.
As I work with eating disturbed clients, I see that this is a common trait.
What is lovely is that this can be greatly improved through the wise use of mindfulness. Whenever I have an event such as this morning's key loss, it is a wake-up call to me that I need to stay a little more connected to myself in the present moment so that I make the aware choices that will serve me well.
This is not about becoming totally self-absorbed. It's about widening my awareness to take in what I'm up to in addition to what others are doing. It's about offering myself the same generosity of spirit and forgiveness for being way less than perfect that I strive to offer others.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Happy Mindful Holiday
What would it look like to have a mindful holiday this year?
Well, I believe that it would not look like frenzied running around trying to attend every party, obsessing over buying the "perfect" gift for everyone on your list, killing yourself in an attempt to have your house picture perfect for those who are invited over, baking piles of holiday goodies & then calming your frazzled nerves by trying to eat everything that you've made & more!
What it might look like is:
the look of delight on your 3 year old's face when she first sees a lit Christmas tree.
the state of calm you feel when you have the time to stand in the midst of a gentle snowfall, taking in the stillness and lazy pattern of flakes drifting down around you
the warmth you feel in your heart when you look at your spouse and remember the many little ways he or she has been there for you through the years
the feeling of satisfaction you experience when you remember to notice when you are hungry and then enjoy whatever wonderful food you choose to eat and mindfully savor until your body is satisfied.
I wish all of these and many, many more delightful possibilities that you will notice if you slow down and pay attention to what is happening in the present moment.
Well, I believe that it would not look like frenzied running around trying to attend every party, obsessing over buying the "perfect" gift for everyone on your list, killing yourself in an attempt to have your house picture perfect for those who are invited over, baking piles of holiday goodies & then calming your frazzled nerves by trying to eat everything that you've made & more!
What it might look like is:
the look of delight on your 3 year old's face when she first sees a lit Christmas tree.
the state of calm you feel when you have the time to stand in the midst of a gentle snowfall, taking in the stillness and lazy pattern of flakes drifting down around you
the warmth you feel in your heart when you look at your spouse and remember the many little ways he or she has been there for you through the years
the feeling of satisfaction you experience when you remember to notice when you are hungry and then enjoy whatever wonderful food you choose to eat and mindfully savor until your body is satisfied.
I wish all of these and many, many more delightful possibilities that you will notice if you slow down and pay attention to what is happening in the present moment.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A Mindful Thanksgiving
Does your traditional Thanksgiving consist of cleaning, cooking and overeating followed by exhaustion? If so, why not try a mindful Thanksgiving this year?
Thanksgiving is an opportunity to slow down, to be grateful for what we have and to really see what is important in our lives.
For example, as you are slicing and chopping vegetables for the meal, become aware that they were warmed by the sunshine, were watered by the rain and had moonlight shining down on them at night. You might reflect on the fact that you are preparing food that will nourish the bodies of those you love so that this becomes an act of caring rather than a boring chore.
If you notice yourself caught up in worries about whether the house looks perfect or fearful that you will overeat, try to remember that all of that is beside the point. The point is to savor the experience of togetherness and gratitude for all that you have. You might see that slowing down with this awareness of abundance and gratitude will fill you emotionally so that you will be less likely to burden yourself with excess food. Perhaps you will also see that what you are truly hungering for are these nourishing feelings.
Put aside your worries and fears to look into the eyes of those with whom you are sharing this day. Drink in the delight of any children who might be present. Notice what is right and let the rest go.
A warm, mindful connection with others provides a positive internal experience. We miss this experience if we are busy worrying and/or judging ourselves and others.
Creating this kind of rich, meaningful experience can provide a wonderful balance for any personal life hardships, upsetting world events and uncertainties.
Perhaps you will see an opportunity to reach out in some way to someone who is less fortunate, being grateful for the opportunity to do so. This kind of behavior not only feels good to us, but it also is modeling behavior that your children are likely to integrate into their lives in a positive way.
You might be amazed at how much abundance you have when you actually slow down and just notice.
This is my November, 2011 contribution to The Healthy Planet magazine.
Thanksgiving is an opportunity to slow down, to be grateful for what we have and to really see what is important in our lives.
For example, as you are slicing and chopping vegetables for the meal, become aware that they were warmed by the sunshine, were watered by the rain and had moonlight shining down on them at night. You might reflect on the fact that you are preparing food that will nourish the bodies of those you love so that this becomes an act of caring rather than a boring chore.
If you notice yourself caught up in worries about whether the house looks perfect or fearful that you will overeat, try to remember that all of that is beside the point. The point is to savor the experience of togetherness and gratitude for all that you have. You might see that slowing down with this awareness of abundance and gratitude will fill you emotionally so that you will be less likely to burden yourself with excess food. Perhaps you will also see that what you are truly hungering for are these nourishing feelings.
Put aside your worries and fears to look into the eyes of those with whom you are sharing this day. Drink in the delight of any children who might be present. Notice what is right and let the rest go.
A warm, mindful connection with others provides a positive internal experience. We miss this experience if we are busy worrying and/or judging ourselves and others.
Creating this kind of rich, meaningful experience can provide a wonderful balance for any personal life hardships, upsetting world events and uncertainties.
Perhaps you will see an opportunity to reach out in some way to someone who is less fortunate, being grateful for the opportunity to do so. This kind of behavior not only feels good to us, but it also is modeling behavior that your children are likely to integrate into their lives in a positive way.
You might be amazed at how much abundance you have when you actually slow down and just notice.
This is my November, 2011 contribution to The Healthy Planet magazine.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Mindfully Falling Flat on my Face
In the interest of helping you, my reader, to learn from my life, I would like to tell you what happened to me a couple of weeks ago.
After a run on the Levee Trail down in Chesterfield Valley, Sid & I drove by the nearby shopping area & spotted a restaurant that we had never seen before. We decided that we would try it out that evening. (So far, so good, right?)
We came back to the restaurant around the time that the sun was low in the sky. I got out of our car with my dark sunglasses on (notice how I'm already making excuses for myself). The double doors to the restaurant were wide open since it was such a glorious day. As we walked toward those doors, I remember squinting, trying to see how things were arranged inside, so that I wouldn't go the wrong way or do anything else embarrassing. I was so busy trying not to be less than perfect, that I totally missed seeing a concrete curb right in front of me. The first thing I knew, I was airborne and landed hard (trust me on this) on my knees & hands! Amazingly those hands held my upper body up enough that I didn't smash my face into the concrete pavement. So, there I was, sprawled, face down, in front of a lovely Chesterfield restaurant. Sid leaned down to help me up. I gratefully sneered, "Stop! Don't touch me!" (We are still married inspite of this) At this point, I considered my options. I could just lay there, face down, until the restaurant closed & then slither away into the dark. That one was sounding pretty good to me until a wonderful waitress came running out to me. "Are you all right? How can I help you?" I gingerly began to try out my body, one muscle group at a time to assess the damage. Amazingly, everything was still working. The waitress and Sid walked me into the restaurant and over to a table. I gratefully noticed that all the patrons were busily looking at anything - other than me, to help me gather my wits, since my wits were still somewhat scattered around the parking lot at that point.
As I sat in my chair at our table, mindful awareness came over me as I became aware of a powerful sense of gratitude. I realized how fortunate I was that I had not done any serious damage, other than a couple of small bruises on my knees. I was grateful for Sid who was so concerned about me being okay. I was grateful for the waitress who was not afraid to come running out to my aid.
I was sharing this story with my daughter, Jessica, at lunch a couple of days later and she said, "You know, Mom, falling flat on your face in front of a crowd of people is probably 1 of our worst nightmares, but yet the overwhelming feeling that you came away with was gratitude."
She's right. Every time I happen to remember this incident, I am filled with that wonderful feeling of gratitude.
This is another example in my life of how being able to slow down in the midst of a troubling event, bringing mindfulness to whatever is happening in the moment, allows me to move out of a contracted self-conscious state into a state of gratitude for whatever I have.
After a run on the Levee Trail down in Chesterfield Valley, Sid & I drove by the nearby shopping area & spotted a restaurant that we had never seen before. We decided that we would try it out that evening. (So far, so good, right?)
We came back to the restaurant around the time that the sun was low in the sky. I got out of our car with my dark sunglasses on (notice how I'm already making excuses for myself). The double doors to the restaurant were wide open since it was such a glorious day. As we walked toward those doors, I remember squinting, trying to see how things were arranged inside, so that I wouldn't go the wrong way or do anything else embarrassing. I was so busy trying not to be less than perfect, that I totally missed seeing a concrete curb right in front of me. The first thing I knew, I was airborne and landed hard (trust me on this) on my knees & hands! Amazingly those hands held my upper body up enough that I didn't smash my face into the concrete pavement. So, there I was, sprawled, face down, in front of a lovely Chesterfield restaurant. Sid leaned down to help me up. I gratefully sneered, "Stop! Don't touch me!" (We are still married inspite of this) At this point, I considered my options. I could just lay there, face down, until the restaurant closed & then slither away into the dark. That one was sounding pretty good to me until a wonderful waitress came running out to me. "Are you all right? How can I help you?" I gingerly began to try out my body, one muscle group at a time to assess the damage. Amazingly, everything was still working. The waitress and Sid walked me into the restaurant and over to a table. I gratefully noticed that all the patrons were busily looking at anything - other than me, to help me gather my wits, since my wits were still somewhat scattered around the parking lot at that point.
As I sat in my chair at our table, mindful awareness came over me as I became aware of a powerful sense of gratitude. I realized how fortunate I was that I had not done any serious damage, other than a couple of small bruises on my knees. I was grateful for Sid who was so concerned about me being okay. I was grateful for the waitress who was not afraid to come running out to my aid.
I was sharing this story with my daughter, Jessica, at lunch a couple of days later and she said, "You know, Mom, falling flat on your face in front of a crowd of people is probably 1 of our worst nightmares, but yet the overwhelming feeling that you came away with was gratitude."
She's right. Every time I happen to remember this incident, I am filled with that wonderful feeling of gratitude.
This is another example in my life of how being able to slow down in the midst of a troubling event, bringing mindfulness to whatever is happening in the moment, allows me to move out of a contracted self-conscious state into a state of gratitude for whatever I have.
Friday, August 19, 2011
What if we were to "like" ourselves?
I know that those of us who have struggled with our weight tend to have developed an adversarial relationship with ourselves. We have believed that if we were to beat ourselves up enough, we would finally become the perfect person that we think we are supposed to be.
Well, guess what? It doesn't work! I've spent the majority of my life trying to force myself into perfection. As a matter of fact, when I became mindful in my life, learned how to calm myself, & then noticed how mean I tended to be toward myself, I was able to begin changing this with baby steps.
If you have a Facebook account, you know that you can indicate that you like something by clicking on a tab that says "like" & then there is an indication on the page that you have "liked" whatever it was.
I started catching myself in the act of doing some small things that I liked. For example, if I was running on a trail, & I noticed that someone had dropped a wrapper from something, I would go back, pick it up, & carry it to the nearest trash container. Not a big deal, but I noticed and I "liked" that I had done it. Another example would be if I took a minute to write an affectionate note to my husband, Sid (especially since he is prone to return the favor). Once again, no big deal, but I "liked" that I had done it.
Very slowly the "likes" began to balance all of the things that I did that were far from perfect. I began to develop a kinder attitude towards myself.
Research is now beginning to indicate that being kind towards ourselves enables us to be able to make long term changes, such as losing weight and keeping it off.
Try this out. Catch yourself in the act of doing little things that you can "like".
Well, guess what? It doesn't work! I've spent the majority of my life trying to force myself into perfection. As a matter of fact, when I became mindful in my life, learned how to calm myself, & then noticed how mean I tended to be toward myself, I was able to begin changing this with baby steps.
If you have a Facebook account, you know that you can indicate that you like something by clicking on a tab that says "like" & then there is an indication on the page that you have "liked" whatever it was.
I started catching myself in the act of doing some small things that I liked. For example, if I was running on a trail, & I noticed that someone had dropped a wrapper from something, I would go back, pick it up, & carry it to the nearest trash container. Not a big deal, but I noticed and I "liked" that I had done it. Another example would be if I took a minute to write an affectionate note to my husband, Sid (especially since he is prone to return the favor). Once again, no big deal, but I "liked" that I had done it.
Very slowly the "likes" began to balance all of the things that I did that were far from perfect. I began to develop a kinder attitude towards myself.
Research is now beginning to indicate that being kind towards ourselves enables us to be able to make long term changes, such as losing weight and keeping it off.
Try this out. Catch yourself in the act of doing little things that you can "like".
Friday, July 15, 2011
TRYING TO HOLD ONTO SUMMER
Today is a beautiful, bright, blue-skied day. I am thrilled. I love, love, love summer. Before I go to work, I go for a 4 mile run/walk on the Chesterfield Levee Trail. I will never set any speed records, but I do try to soak up every delightful sign of summer being in full swing. I greet all the dragonflies zooming back & forth over the trail. I delight in the brilliant colors and scents of wildflowers along the way. I use the sounds of birds & insects as my personalized IPOD. Even though it is hot and humid and I am soaked at the end, I feel ALIVE - which I've found at my age is a good way to feel!
There is only 1 problem with all of this summer-based ecstasy. It does not last forever. As you may have noticed, summer turns into autumn which turns into dark, dreary, bone-chilling winter here in Missouri. Perhaps you are picking up on a lack of appreciation for winter in me.
Since this whole seasonal bias thing has been going on with me for a while, I actually have some wisdom to share about this subject.
Here it is: Everything is impermanent. When we try to hold onto and grasp onto what we really like, we end up suffering, in the long run. We all grow older, get sick, lose people we love - it's inevitable. And, yes, winter with all of its dreariness does seem to come back every year. The remedy for this dilemma is to really be grateful for and mindful of what we have while we have it. My temptation is to rock my boat when I'm enjoying my run by thinking, "Well, pretty soon all the green grass & green leaves will be gone & I'll be stuck in the house!" That thought sucks all the pleasure out of my run instantly. It sure doesn't change the seasonal process, but it does change my mood which plummets.
So what is the lesson here as far as MINDFUL EATING is concerned? When we taste something that we really like, we want that good taste and good feeling to last forever. We want to grasp onto and hold onto it. We forget about whether we have had enough and are satisfied. We want that "party in our mouth" to go on forever! All good parties must come to an end. That is the sad truth.
Savor the taste of food that you really enjoy, and learn that it's okay to say, "That's enough". You will feel so much better afterwards.
There is only 1 problem with all of this summer-based ecstasy. It does not last forever. As you may have noticed, summer turns into autumn which turns into dark, dreary, bone-chilling winter here in Missouri. Perhaps you are picking up on a lack of appreciation for winter in me.
Since this whole seasonal bias thing has been going on with me for a while, I actually have some wisdom to share about this subject.
Here it is: Everything is impermanent. When we try to hold onto and grasp onto what we really like, we end up suffering, in the long run. We all grow older, get sick, lose people we love - it's inevitable. And, yes, winter with all of its dreariness does seem to come back every year. The remedy for this dilemma is to really be grateful for and mindful of what we have while we have it. My temptation is to rock my boat when I'm enjoying my run by thinking, "Well, pretty soon all the green grass & green leaves will be gone & I'll be stuck in the house!" That thought sucks all the pleasure out of my run instantly. It sure doesn't change the seasonal process, but it does change my mood which plummets.
So what is the lesson here as far as MINDFUL EATING is concerned? When we taste something that we really like, we want that good taste and good feeling to last forever. We want to grasp onto and hold onto it. We forget about whether we have had enough and are satisfied. We want that "party in our mouth" to go on forever! All good parties must come to an end. That is the sad truth.
Savor the taste of food that you really enjoy, and learn that it's okay to say, "That's enough". You will feel so much better afterwards.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
How to Care When You Don't Care
I've noticed in my own life, that there are those times when I know what the "right" thing to do is - whether it has to do with making a healthy food choice or going to the gym to work out. I might have started out the day with healthy intentions & then, all of a sudden, I hear myself telling myself, "I don't care". I just don't care. That's all there is to it, or so it seems. I'm a million miles away, emotionally, from what I normally want to do and how I want to behave.
At that time, it's as if there are 2 Cheryls: Cheryl who cares & Cheryl who does not care (& might even stamp her foot to drive the mood home)
I have discovered that, for me, it's a waste of time to argue with Cheryl, the foot stamper. She just becomes more determined than ever. What does seem to help this stand-off, is to accept that there are 2 different parts of me at play. It is pointless to judge them. When I relax by taking a couple of deep breaths, I sit back & think in terms of making room for both of these parts of me to exist simultaneously.
I suspect that the foot stamper developed when I was a child. In my family of origin, I was not allowed to stamp my feet in rebellion. That was not something that a "good little girl", raised in the '50's was supposed to do. I guess that that part of my personality "went underground" or was suppressed. However, it is still alive & well. I no longer want to judge that part of me. If I accept her, she calms down &, amazingly, begins to join with the part of me that cares.
It's about acceptance of all of who we are. Nobody is perfect. We all have traits, thoughts & feelings that we'd rather not share with the world. But, you see, that's the thing. We are all alike in this. If we can just accept what we see as unacceptable about ourselves, we will be able to give up the internal war and come to peace within, which is a wonderful way to live.
At that time, it's as if there are 2 Cheryls: Cheryl who cares & Cheryl who does not care (& might even stamp her foot to drive the mood home)
I have discovered that, for me, it's a waste of time to argue with Cheryl, the foot stamper. She just becomes more determined than ever. What does seem to help this stand-off, is to accept that there are 2 different parts of me at play. It is pointless to judge them. When I relax by taking a couple of deep breaths, I sit back & think in terms of making room for both of these parts of me to exist simultaneously.
I suspect that the foot stamper developed when I was a child. In my family of origin, I was not allowed to stamp my feet in rebellion. That was not something that a "good little girl", raised in the '50's was supposed to do. I guess that that part of my personality "went underground" or was suppressed. However, it is still alive & well. I no longer want to judge that part of me. If I accept her, she calms down &, amazingly, begins to join with the part of me that cares.
It's about acceptance of all of who we are. Nobody is perfect. We all have traits, thoughts & feelings that we'd rather not share with the world. But, you see, that's the thing. We are all alike in this. If we can just accept what we see as unacceptable about ourselves, we will be able to give up the internal war and come to peace within, which is a wonderful way to live.
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