When I was struggling with my weight for, lo, those many years, I lived in a food oriented world. I went from devouring one meal to immediately beginning to ponder,"What's next?" Now, normal people might answer that question with ideas about what activity they wanted to engage in next or what friend they wanted to call. Not me, that question was always about food - yes, my best friend food. It went everywhere I went in my head (not to mention on my hips and thighs) As I look back, it was all I cared about. What a Johnny-one-note I was. I was more shallow than a crepe (oops!)
When I had my son and daughter, they were the center of my world. However, I soon began cooking and baking up a storm to show them that I loved them. Ouch!! My heart aches to think that I taught them that food = love. I had no clue. That message had started in my childhood & I passed it on. I did it out of ignorance. When I cranked out home-baked bread, jams, pies, cookies, cakes, I truly thought I was being a great Mom. Of course I was my very best consumer of all of these treats. I would bake up a storm, eat my way through it, hate myself and then torment myself with the latest, greatest diet. We all know how that goes. I would take weight off until I started putting it all back on with a little extra for good measure.
I wondered why I was so weak-willed. More than that, I wondered why I could sometimes be fairly smart and then be totally stupid when it came to food.
When I started graduate school to become a counselor, I began to meditate to help me deal with the stress of studying and trying to raise my family. What I remember is that I actually could slow myself down. I could have some moments of reprieve from the incessant critic in my head. In those moments I was actually able to pay attention to whether I was hungry or not - amazing idea! In this relaxed state I could notice the food I was selecting. It became enjoyable to become mindful. I liked the way I felt. I wasn't out of control. I was tuned in to myself. I gradually became more and more comfortable making wise food choices. When I was doing this because I wanted to be mindful of what I was doing and then feeling the good feelings that accompanied that attitude, everything sort of fell into place. It was my idea to eat until I was satisfied and then stop. It wasn't the latest diet guru's idea. It was my very own idea and that made all the difference. I guess I have a strong rebellious streak in me. I guess? What? I know I do! But now all of me was on the same side for a change. I had a brand new interest in self care.
I realized that for the first time I could remember I was making myself more important than food. Suddenly I had time to make a life for myself.
What would it take for you to make yourself more important than food?
Showing posts with label critic in the head. Show all posts
Showing posts with label critic in the head. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Real Life Example of Integration
Good morning, Dear Reader. I woke up this AM with the thought that it would be a good idea to give you an example from my life of what I taught you about in last night's blog, so here goes:
Yesterday I had clients back-to-back for 5 hours without a break other than 5 min. between when I tried to check my phone messages, touch up my lipstick, drink some water or tea, run to the restroom, do a mini-meditation, etc. I realized that I had become over-hungry because I hadn't included food in my 5 min. breaks. Uh-oh!! I became aware of that slightly shaky, light-headed sensation that tells me that I have gone too long without food.
Up to this point I had been in the lovely flow of integration of being connected with my clients. Time had flown by. However, at this point I realized that I was at risk. I could feel myself moving into chaos. My mind was darting around telling me that I needed FOOD FAST NOW - LOTS OF FOOD!! I was aware of the tension of emptiness in my stomach, that I was gulping air. My mind is reminding me that my next client is in the waiting room, WAITING!
Welcome to CHAOS. I had been in the flow of integration a short time before, but now I was flailing around in emotional, mental & physiological (bodily) chaos!!
Suddenly I remembered that I had put a jar of dry roasted almonds into my desk drawer last week. I yanked my drawer open, pulled out the jar, got the lid off, intending to stuff as many almonds into my mouth as possible at once (ala hot dog eating contest on tv over the 4th of July weekend!) Suddenly I "woke up" to what was happening. I was in chaos. Part of me wanted ALMONDS - NOW - FAST - ALL OF THEM!! Another part of me was rigidly shaking its finger at me saying, "Shame on you, Cheryl. You know very well that there is a lot of fat in nuts. No nuts for you. Wait until after your next client & then you can have a free hour when you can go get a salad."
I allowed these 2 very different voices in my head - 1 that was chaotic, 1 that was rigid - to rest in my awareness. It became clear to me that there was a middle way between eating the entire jar of almonds OR eating none. I poured a handful out & slowly began to savor each one. I felt a tremendous relief. My body knew that food was on its way. My mind knew that I was settling down with this energy that was coming into my body. After 10 or so nuts, I was fine. I was calm and satisfied. I would be able to greet my next client and move into the wonderful space of connection between us.
I was back into the flow of the River of Integration. There was no remorse that usually follows choices made from a chaotic state. There was no discomfort that usually follows choices made from a state of rigidity.
I was once again present in my life. I was present for myself and present for my client so that we could work together to help her find any ways that integration would help her in her struggles.
I hope that this example is helpful.
Yesterday I had clients back-to-back for 5 hours without a break other than 5 min. between when I tried to check my phone messages, touch up my lipstick, drink some water or tea, run to the restroom, do a mini-meditation, etc. I realized that I had become over-hungry because I hadn't included food in my 5 min. breaks. Uh-oh!! I became aware of that slightly shaky, light-headed sensation that tells me that I have gone too long without food.
Up to this point I had been in the lovely flow of integration of being connected with my clients. Time had flown by. However, at this point I realized that I was at risk. I could feel myself moving into chaos. My mind was darting around telling me that I needed FOOD FAST NOW - LOTS OF FOOD!! I was aware of the tension of emptiness in my stomach, that I was gulping air. My mind is reminding me that my next client is in the waiting room, WAITING!
Welcome to CHAOS. I had been in the flow of integration a short time before, but now I was flailing around in emotional, mental & physiological (bodily) chaos!!
Suddenly I remembered that I had put a jar of dry roasted almonds into my desk drawer last week. I yanked my drawer open, pulled out the jar, got the lid off, intending to stuff as many almonds into my mouth as possible at once (ala hot dog eating contest on tv over the 4th of July weekend!) Suddenly I "woke up" to what was happening. I was in chaos. Part of me wanted ALMONDS - NOW - FAST - ALL OF THEM!! Another part of me was rigidly shaking its finger at me saying, "Shame on you, Cheryl. You know very well that there is a lot of fat in nuts. No nuts for you. Wait until after your next client & then you can have a free hour when you can go get a salad."
I allowed these 2 very different voices in my head - 1 that was chaotic, 1 that was rigid - to rest in my awareness. It became clear to me that there was a middle way between eating the entire jar of almonds OR eating none. I poured a handful out & slowly began to savor each one. I felt a tremendous relief. My body knew that food was on its way. My mind knew that I was settling down with this energy that was coming into my body. After 10 or so nuts, I was fine. I was calm and satisfied. I would be able to greet my next client and move into the wonderful space of connection between us.
I was back into the flow of the River of Integration. There was no remorse that usually follows choices made from a chaotic state. There was no discomfort that usually follows choices made from a state of rigidity.
I was once again present in my life. I was present for myself and present for my client so that we could work together to help her find any ways that integration would help her in her struggles.
I hope that this example is helpful.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Brain Fitness
I have to share some very exciting information with you. I am part way through a year long on-line webinar course with the man I consider my mentor. He is Dan Siegel, MD. I have read his books & listened to his teaching CDs for the past 10 yrs. I am highly recommending his books. My understanding of mindful eating has grown by leaps and bounds as a result of what I am learning.
This way of understanding our experience of life is called Interpersonal Neurobiology. I would like to share some of the exciting things I am learning.
Mindsight is what Dan calls the way that we can learn about the amazingly rich internal life that we all have. Many of us resist knowing about this part of ourselves. I believe that this is out of fear of the unknown. I have come to see that we can only tame that fear with awareness of what is. Gently getting to know ourselves in this incredibly intimate way is what many if not most of us have been "hungering for" all of our lives.
Most of us with eating issues tend to use All or Nothing thinking or this is also referred to as Black or White thinking. We are either on a diet OR we are eating out of control. We are either being Good OR being Bad when it comes to our eating. We are over-exercising to the point of shin splints & stress fractures OR unable to get up off of the sofa. It never even occurs to us that there is a middle way. In reality this Middle Way brings us harmony, comfort and well-being.
With mindsight we see that this middle way comes from what is called integration. Integration is the linking of 2 separate parts. This integration can be seen like a river that is flowing along. There are banks on either side of this river. One bank is chaos; the other bank is rigidity. When you boil all mental disorders down, each is an example of chaos, rigidity or both.
Bingeing and other out of control eating patterns are examples of chaos. Strict dieting is an example of rigidity. Either example can only be maintained for a limited time until we swing to the opposite side. In the flow of the River of Integration we are flexible, forgiving, creative, mindful and healthy. In the flow of that River of Integration we will find a way to lose weight and maintain our weight without struggle.
I intend to continue to blog about what I am learning. Please let me know what you think.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Who Am I?
I am a lover of love and peace. I have a cute fabric purse that has Peace and Love on it with the obligatory peace symbol. My clients tell me, "That purse is so you, Cheryl".
My husband, Sid, will frequently call me when we're home, "Okay, Cheryl, you've got 5 min. if you want to rescue this spider." I rush in from whatever I was doing, armed with a tissue, gently pick up the spider so that all 6 legs are intact, carry him to the door & wish him well on his new home outside. Now, if the truth were told, I would be perfectly okay with leaving spiders in the house, assigning a corner & appropriate name to each one. But, since I choose to live with Sid, that is not a viable option.
I am a tree hugger. (If you put your ear up to the deeply furrowed bark of a cottonwood or oak tree, and spread your arms as far as possible around the trunk, you will be amazed at what you hear and feel.)
I cry whenever any unfortunate creature is hurt on tv or in a movie.
I recoil from any signs of aggression or violence. I believe that we should do our best to live and let live.
On a trip to Virginia a few yrs ago with Sid we came upon a lovely pine tree with a thick vine that had a strangle hold on it. It was wrapped over, under and all around the poor tree. Sid & I spent almost an hr. unraveling the vine, saving the pine tree.
I tromp through the snow on my deck to fill the bird feeder so that my feathered friends will have full tummies.
I rescue worms who have been washed out of the soil in a hard downpour & are stranded on now dry sidewalk. I pick them up & carry them over to the grass so that they can once burrow into the ground.
HOWEVER, yesterday, as I was walking past my glorious roses that are enthusiastically growing outside my office window, I spotted an enemy! There to my disbelieving eyes were Japanese beetles, at least 10 deep chowing down on my once beautiful roses. The leaves are now totally riddled with holes. I ran back into my office, cranked up my computer & googled "how to destroy Japanese beetles". Armed with a plan, I then found a tall coffee cup, filled it with hot water & liquid hand soap from the ladies' room, tore out the door into the 98 degree heat, feeling like a soldier in Iraq, & began knocking, grabbing, dunking beetles by the handful into the coffee cup. When it was full, I proudly strode into my office which is next to Sid's office. I asked him if he wanted to see what I had caught in my coffee cup. He wisely said, "Not really", then curiosity got the better of him & he peered into the vessel. There he saw a crawling pile of drowning Japanese beetles. A look of horror came over his face. "Who are you?", he said with dismay. "They look like they're suffering & in agony." "So?", I replied.
Slowly I began to feel a little remorse. What have I done? They're only trying to make a living the only way Japanese beetles know how. I took the now quiet pile of irridescent corpses out to bury them in the soil not too far from the roses.
As I stood up, I spotted another pile of Japanese beetles munching away on a formerly glorious rose. Before I knew it, I was tearing back into the ladies' room to get more hot soapy water.
I guess we all have parts of ourselves that don't seem to match who we like to think we are. I have decided to accept all of these parts of me. How about you?
My husband, Sid, will frequently call me when we're home, "Okay, Cheryl, you've got 5 min. if you want to rescue this spider." I rush in from whatever I was doing, armed with a tissue, gently pick up the spider so that all 6 legs are intact, carry him to the door & wish him well on his new home outside. Now, if the truth were told, I would be perfectly okay with leaving spiders in the house, assigning a corner & appropriate name to each one. But, since I choose to live with Sid, that is not a viable option.
I am a tree hugger. (If you put your ear up to the deeply furrowed bark of a cottonwood or oak tree, and spread your arms as far as possible around the trunk, you will be amazed at what you hear and feel.)
I cry whenever any unfortunate creature is hurt on tv or in a movie.
I recoil from any signs of aggression or violence. I believe that we should do our best to live and let live.
On a trip to Virginia a few yrs ago with Sid we came upon a lovely pine tree with a thick vine that had a strangle hold on it. It was wrapped over, under and all around the poor tree. Sid & I spent almost an hr. unraveling the vine, saving the pine tree.
I tromp through the snow on my deck to fill the bird feeder so that my feathered friends will have full tummies.
I rescue worms who have been washed out of the soil in a hard downpour & are stranded on now dry sidewalk. I pick them up & carry them over to the grass so that they can once burrow into the ground.
HOWEVER, yesterday, as I was walking past my glorious roses that are enthusiastically growing outside my office window, I spotted an enemy! There to my disbelieving eyes were Japanese beetles, at least 10 deep chowing down on my once beautiful roses. The leaves are now totally riddled with holes. I ran back into my office, cranked up my computer & googled "how to destroy Japanese beetles". Armed with a plan, I then found a tall coffee cup, filled it with hot water & liquid hand soap from the ladies' room, tore out the door into the 98 degree heat, feeling like a soldier in Iraq, & began knocking, grabbing, dunking beetles by the handful into the coffee cup. When it was full, I proudly strode into my office which is next to Sid's office. I asked him if he wanted to see what I had caught in my coffee cup. He wisely said, "Not really", then curiosity got the better of him & he peered into the vessel. There he saw a crawling pile of drowning Japanese beetles. A look of horror came over his face. "Who are you?", he said with dismay. "They look like they're suffering & in agony." "So?", I replied.
Slowly I began to feel a little remorse. What have I done? They're only trying to make a living the only way Japanese beetles know how. I took the now quiet pile of irridescent corpses out to bury them in the soil not too far from the roses.
As I stood up, I spotted another pile of Japanese beetles munching away on a formerly glorious rose. Before I knew it, I was tearing back into the ladies' room to get more hot soapy water.
I guess we all have parts of ourselves that don't seem to match who we like to think we are. I have decided to accept all of these parts of me. How about you?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Back Home Again
Well, here I am sitting at my computer in my office. We returned from Sedona Tues. evening. What a glorious trip. It's hard for my brain to get it that I'm back here again when I have flashes of beautiful red rock mountains flashing through my head.
But here I am. I look out of my office window & I see a riot of color from the rose bushes that continue to produce tons of bright magenta roses & the hyacinth bushes that are loaded down with a profusion of blue & pink balls of petals. There are bushes with stacks of pink flowers that I haven't identified yet, along with hostas in purple bloom. It's so much more spectacular that I even dreamed when I signed the lease for this space last Fall.
I have had 2 days of sitting with clients back to back, every hour, from 10 to 9 and it has been so fulfilling - every single hour. I truly love, love, love what I do. It is such a pleasure and honor to sit with my clients and feel that I am a part of their lives. I wouldn't trade it for anything else that I can think of. Why do I love it so much? Hmmmmmmm....I believe it's because I believe that people are capable of change. We now know that the brain is "plastic" in that it is capable of change at any age. One of the main things that is necessary for change is attention. I have learned how important it is to be aware of where we place our attention. Do we really want to focus on all that is wrong with us, our children, our spouse, our neighbors, our world? Or would we be better off noticing what is wonderful in this one life we have to live? Which is going to uplift us? Which is going to make us want to do even better than we did the day before?
I want to listen with compassion and empathy to my clients' pain. I want them to know that someone hears and cares.
I want to offer my clients the gift of hope - hope in themselves and in their ability to change their lives in positive ways.
It's so great to see the "lightbulbs" turn on over my clients' heads when they suddenly have a new insight. It's reassuring to see over and over again that when we finally understand that very little in life is under our control other than the way we choose to behave, everything does, indeed, turn out ok. Often it doesn't turn out the way that we think it should, but when we are able to see the big picture, we see that it's ok.
It's wonderful to teach a client how to meditate, how to slow down & eat mindfully, and, ultimately to see that food is not really their problem. Each person comes to see that food has been a symbol of what they are really hungering for in life. After this realization, food is no longer their enemy or their best friend.
It all seems so meaningful to me. It's a pleasure to be a part of this beautiful process of change.
Family trips to Sedona are wonderful. Coming back to my beautiful office and inspiring clients who work so hard is wonderful. IT'S ALL GOOD!!
But here I am. I look out of my office window & I see a riot of color from the rose bushes that continue to produce tons of bright magenta roses & the hyacinth bushes that are loaded down with a profusion of blue & pink balls of petals. There are bushes with stacks of pink flowers that I haven't identified yet, along with hostas in purple bloom. It's so much more spectacular that I even dreamed when I signed the lease for this space last Fall.
I have had 2 days of sitting with clients back to back, every hour, from 10 to 9 and it has been so fulfilling - every single hour. I truly love, love, love what I do. It is such a pleasure and honor to sit with my clients and feel that I am a part of their lives. I wouldn't trade it for anything else that I can think of. Why do I love it so much? Hmmmmmmm....I believe it's because I believe that people are capable of change. We now know that the brain is "plastic" in that it is capable of change at any age. One of the main things that is necessary for change is attention. I have learned how important it is to be aware of where we place our attention. Do we really want to focus on all that is wrong with us, our children, our spouse, our neighbors, our world? Or would we be better off noticing what is wonderful in this one life we have to live? Which is going to uplift us? Which is going to make us want to do even better than we did the day before?
I want to listen with compassion and empathy to my clients' pain. I want them to know that someone hears and cares.
I want to offer my clients the gift of hope - hope in themselves and in their ability to change their lives in positive ways.
It's so great to see the "lightbulbs" turn on over my clients' heads when they suddenly have a new insight. It's reassuring to see over and over again that when we finally understand that very little in life is under our control other than the way we choose to behave, everything does, indeed, turn out ok. Often it doesn't turn out the way that we think it should, but when we are able to see the big picture, we see that it's ok.
It's wonderful to teach a client how to meditate, how to slow down & eat mindfully, and, ultimately to see that food is not really their problem. Each person comes to see that food has been a symbol of what they are really hungering for in life. After this realization, food is no longer their enemy or their best friend.
It all seems so meaningful to me. It's a pleasure to be a part of this beautiful process of change.
Family trips to Sedona are wonderful. Coming back to my beautiful office and inspiring clients who work so hard is wonderful. IT'S ALL GOOD!!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Greetings from Sedona
As I write this,I am able to look out the window to see the most amazing red rock formations believable. This is my 3rd visit to Sedona & there is a reason for that. The peace, natural beauty and awesome energy fill me when I'm here - especially when I'm present to them. As usual, it's still easy to find that I've slipped into my thoughts about other places and times. I can even remove myself from the experience of being present in the moment by remembering former Sedona trips & then making comparisons &/or judgments such as 2 years ago, I remember that the sunsets were a little more colorful, or this room is even greater than the one we had 4 yrs. ago. I also have caught myself going out of the present moment to make comparisons within this trip such as yesterday it was sunnier & warmer & I liked that better than today. You see, I only have this moment right now, right here. It's the only time that I'm truly alive.....and now this moment.....and now this moment. When I'm aware of my experience, perhaps, feeling the cushion under my bottom, the one behind my back, the feel of the floor holding my feet up, the plinkety-plink of my netbook keys as I push them, and once again, glance out the window at the spectacular view, I am truly here. I can feel the joy of being alive. I can feel gratitude for being here on vacation with those I love. Life takes on a vibrance when we are in the moment.
Now, I have to say that there is a Sedona vibrance that is hard to beat. But, there is a vibrance that is available no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing.
I am here with a cast of thousands, or so it seems at times. Sid is next to me at our table, and we drove out here with my son, Doug, daughter-in-law, Carlene, grandchildren, Alex, Julia & Isabella & my 86 yr. old Mom. With small children, there are many opportunities for me to forget to be present. However, every time I "wake up" and remember, I take a nice, slow breath & look deeply into their beautiful eyes and everything & everybody calms down. All it takes is one person to regain her footing, and everything changes. Really! Try it!
Time to go on our hike of the day. I will do my best to be present & soak in every last drop of the experience.
Now, I have to say that there is a Sedona vibrance that is hard to beat. But, there is a vibrance that is available no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing.
I am here with a cast of thousands, or so it seems at times. Sid is next to me at our table, and we drove out here with my son, Doug, daughter-in-law, Carlene, grandchildren, Alex, Julia & Isabella & my 86 yr. old Mom. With small children, there are many opportunities for me to forget to be present. However, every time I "wake up" and remember, I take a nice, slow breath & look deeply into their beautiful eyes and everything & everybody calms down. All it takes is one person to regain her footing, and everything changes. Really! Try it!
Time to go on our hike of the day. I will do my best to be present & soak in every last drop of the experience.
Monday, May 24, 2010
What Do I Suggest?
Well, last post I mentioned the possibility of my recommending books, CDs, etc to you here and that Amazon would provide the info so that you may directly order the book from this blog - pretty cool! I asked for feedback & I have only had positive feedback so I will proceed, accordingly.
I began "studying" the issue of weight management & eating disorders when I was in graduate school & knew that I wanted to specialize in that area. I guess I figured that I had spent my entire life paying attention to my weight issues & that now it was time to help others & that, hopefully, it would continue to help me. Of course one of the great parts of my job as a counselor is that is that I am inspired by my clients' efforts, ideas, and creativity.
Geneen Roth was the very first person whose books I began to read to help me understand what was really going on with weight issues. Through her own life experiences, she was able to speak so forthrightly & so humorously about those things that only those of us who have "been there, done that" could appreciate.
Geneen has a brand new book, WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. In this book she helps us see that it isn't really food that we want, even though we really, really want to believe that it is. Food will lead us to a discovery of what we are really hungering for in our lives. She presents her book through the eyes of those who attend her popular weeklong workshops. She keeps guiding her attendees back and back and back, gently, (sometimes) back to themselves. She helps to hold up a mirror to them so that they can see their reality.
I have read this book several times. I have 1 copy at home and 1 in my office. I also have purchased her CD of the same name & listen to it as I drive back & forth to my office through the Missouri River floodplain. You see, sad as it is to say, I learn best through repeated readings by me & also by hearing the same information. It really helps to get it through my thick head.
If I already have figured this out in my life & if I am already teaching these concepts to my clients why on Earth would I want to study this so intensely? There are always new ways of hearing things, of taking them in to increase my knowledge for both myself & my clients. I take all of you with me every where I go. I am always trying to make sense of myself so that I can share any insights that I glean that I think might be of help to you whether you are my client or my blog reader or both.
Well, I'm a little anxious about pushing "publish post" since I don't know what to expect from my trying to follow directions about how to list the copies of Geneen's books via Amazon. You see, I don't have my daughter, son nor their spouses handy as I sit here in my office tonight to give me their invaluable advice. Unexpected things often happen when I try new things on my computer, but here goes..........
I began "studying" the issue of weight management & eating disorders when I was in graduate school & knew that I wanted to specialize in that area. I guess I figured that I had spent my entire life paying attention to my weight issues & that now it was time to help others & that, hopefully, it would continue to help me. Of course one of the great parts of my job as a counselor is that is that I am inspired by my clients' efforts, ideas, and creativity.
Geneen Roth was the very first person whose books I began to read to help me understand what was really going on with weight issues. Through her own life experiences, she was able to speak so forthrightly & so humorously about those things that only those of us who have "been there, done that" could appreciate.
Geneen has a brand new book, WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. In this book she helps us see that it isn't really food that we want, even though we really, really want to believe that it is. Food will lead us to a discovery of what we are really hungering for in our lives. She presents her book through the eyes of those who attend her popular weeklong workshops. She keeps guiding her attendees back and back and back, gently, (sometimes) back to themselves. She helps to hold up a mirror to them so that they can see their reality.
I have read this book several times. I have 1 copy at home and 1 in my office. I also have purchased her CD of the same name & listen to it as I drive back & forth to my office through the Missouri River floodplain. You see, sad as it is to say, I learn best through repeated readings by me & also by hearing the same information. It really helps to get it through my thick head.
If I already have figured this out in my life & if I am already teaching these concepts to my clients why on Earth would I want to study this so intensely? There are always new ways of hearing things, of taking them in to increase my knowledge for both myself & my clients. I take all of you with me every where I go. I am always trying to make sense of myself so that I can share any insights that I glean that I think might be of help to you whether you are my client or my blog reader or both.
Well, I'm a little anxious about pushing "publish post" since I don't know what to expect from my trying to follow directions about how to list the copies of Geneen's books via Amazon. You see, I don't have my daughter, son nor their spouses handy as I sit here in my office tonight to give me their invaluable advice. Unexpected things often happen when I try new things on my computer, but here goes..........
Friday, May 21, 2010
Some Reading Ideas for You
I have been reading for years & years about how to lose weight. Some things have really been helpful & others, well, they've made me hungry! Most recently I have been studying the brain and how the brain, mind & relationships interract to help create the most well-being in our lives. Are your eyes beginning to glaze over yet? I hope not because there is much going on in the area of neuroscience that is really helping me to understand why overeaters do the seemingly irrational things that we do. I believe that if we understand what is really going on underneath our bizarre behavior, we will begin to be able to make better choices. I am currently taking a year long on-line course with Dr. Dan Siegel with over 100 other students on all continents of the world except for Antarctica, although Dan is looking into having some penguins sign up! Anyway, it's very challenging &, to me, very exciting. I will be filling you in on what I am learning as I digest it (ah, yes, a food-related term, of course), make sense of it & then figure out a creative way to present it to you here.
I also wanted to mention that through Amazon, I have been given the opportunity to mention books that I highly recommend to you, my Dear Reader. These will then be displayed in some way on this blog that I do not quite understand that will allow you to order the book if you choose to do so. I also want to make it clear that I will receive a small fee if you do. I have done my very best in this blog to be painfully honest with you & do not want to do anything that will negatively affect whether you trust me. That's why I am being upfront about this. I am always interested in receiving feed back from you. Please let me know what you think.
In the meantime, I am reading, studying, savoring, counseling, living, loving, relating, gardening, jogging, hiking &, hopefully, garnering information that I can share with you to help you create a life worth living.
I also wanted to mention that through Amazon, I have been given the opportunity to mention books that I highly recommend to you, my Dear Reader. These will then be displayed in some way on this blog that I do not quite understand that will allow you to order the book if you choose to do so. I also want to make it clear that I will receive a small fee if you do. I have done my very best in this blog to be painfully honest with you & do not want to do anything that will negatively affect whether you trust me. That's why I am being upfront about this. I am always interested in receiving feed back from you. Please let me know what you think.
In the meantime, I am reading, studying, savoring, counseling, living, loving, relating, gardening, jogging, hiking &, hopefully, garnering information that I can share with you to help you create a life worth living.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Keeping Your Eye On The Ball
When I was a girl, learning to play softball, my Dad was my teacher. He would take me into our large back yard & begin with the basics.
I was an only child & was not allowed to cross the street until I was 12. Alas, all the neighborhood kids lived on the other side of the street. I was not able to learn from other kids since I had no access to them. Therefore, my Dad became my teacher.
Although I wasn't thrilled at the time, I now am extremely grateful for all of the wisdom that he shared with me. He would tell me, "Cheryl, you always have to keep your eye on the ball. If you do, you will be able to easily hit it." I always tried to do what my Dad told me to do because things always worked out when I did. I became a pretty good softball player. I always was able to hit the ball when we played in P.E. My friends couldn't figure out what my secret was. They, poor things, didn't have my Dad as a teacher.
What was even better for me was that Dad would notice times in my life when I was struggling with something & he would gently remind me, "Cheryl, I wonder if you've taken your eye off the ball...." Suddenly it would be clear in a very simple way exactly what I needed to do.
Dad never said anything to me about my weight issues. He had probably learned the hard way from my mom that that is one issue a man never brings up with a woman he loves - never, ever!! I wonder if anything would have gone differently if I had remembered to keep my eye on the ball in the food arena back then?
What would that look like? I read recently that Discipline (ugh! not an overeater's favorite word, right?) is about remembering what you really want....and behaving accordingly. So this has to do with being very clear with ourselves about what we really, really want. In the moment that an obsessional food thought strikes us, we might think that what we really want is a hot fudge sundae. But is that true? Is that what we really, really want? Or is there something deeper, something that goes beyond instant gratification that we want?
Let's look at the options: If we have that hot fudge sundae, the most delicously fun part is the anticipation. The actually eating of it may or may not be enjoyable. Often we stuff it down mindlessly without actually tasteing it, so we don't even know. We weren't there for the event. Our mind was elsewhere. But whether we enjoyed it or not, I can pretty well guarantee that the aftermath is bitter, indeed. The guilt sets in immediately. Once again, we have let ourselves down. We've shown ourselves how weak we are, etc., etc. The self-recrimination is painful and ugly.
What if we don't have that hot fudge sundae? Well, that all depends. It depends upon how we make that choice. Do we harshly & rigidly say to ourselves, "NO! You can't have that hot fudge sundae. Shame on you for even thinking of having it!" This sort of mean attitude causes us to either to have "poor me" thoughts which might end up in 2 hot fudge sundaes later or in rebellious thinking which might end up in at least 3 hot fudge sundaes later!!
Another way of making the choice to not have that hot fudge sundae comes from seriously considering the hot fudge sundae & at the same time remembering that what you really, really want. You might want to make healthy food choices that will make you feel good about yourself afterwards. You might remember that you want to be able to move around easily & fit into your clothing. You want to have the freedom to sit wherever you want without having to worry about whether you might get stuck in the chair, without having to worry about having to ask for a seat belt extender on the airplane. You want to have the freedom that comes from keeping your eye on the ball. You also want to continue to build a good, respectful relationship with yourself.
My Dad is gone now, but his message to me has taken on new meaning. I wake up in the morning, setting clear intentions for myself for the day ahead. I remind myself that I want to bring mindfulness into my moments whenever I am able. I always want to keep my eye on the ball of mindfulness, trying to make wise choices that will allow me to feel good about myself afterwards.
I was an only child & was not allowed to cross the street until I was 12. Alas, all the neighborhood kids lived on the other side of the street. I was not able to learn from other kids since I had no access to them. Therefore, my Dad became my teacher.
Although I wasn't thrilled at the time, I now am extremely grateful for all of the wisdom that he shared with me. He would tell me, "Cheryl, you always have to keep your eye on the ball. If you do, you will be able to easily hit it." I always tried to do what my Dad told me to do because things always worked out when I did. I became a pretty good softball player. I always was able to hit the ball when we played in P.E. My friends couldn't figure out what my secret was. They, poor things, didn't have my Dad as a teacher.
What was even better for me was that Dad would notice times in my life when I was struggling with something & he would gently remind me, "Cheryl, I wonder if you've taken your eye off the ball...." Suddenly it would be clear in a very simple way exactly what I needed to do.
Dad never said anything to me about my weight issues. He had probably learned the hard way from my mom that that is one issue a man never brings up with a woman he loves - never, ever!! I wonder if anything would have gone differently if I had remembered to keep my eye on the ball in the food arena back then?
What would that look like? I read recently that Discipline (ugh! not an overeater's favorite word, right?) is about remembering what you really want....and behaving accordingly. So this has to do with being very clear with ourselves about what we really, really want. In the moment that an obsessional food thought strikes us, we might think that what we really want is a hot fudge sundae. But is that true? Is that what we really, really want? Or is there something deeper, something that goes beyond instant gratification that we want?
Let's look at the options: If we have that hot fudge sundae, the most delicously fun part is the anticipation. The actually eating of it may or may not be enjoyable. Often we stuff it down mindlessly without actually tasteing it, so we don't even know. We weren't there for the event. Our mind was elsewhere. But whether we enjoyed it or not, I can pretty well guarantee that the aftermath is bitter, indeed. The guilt sets in immediately. Once again, we have let ourselves down. We've shown ourselves how weak we are, etc., etc. The self-recrimination is painful and ugly.
What if we don't have that hot fudge sundae? Well, that all depends. It depends upon how we make that choice. Do we harshly & rigidly say to ourselves, "NO! You can't have that hot fudge sundae. Shame on you for even thinking of having it!" This sort of mean attitude causes us to either to have "poor me" thoughts which might end up in 2 hot fudge sundaes later or in rebellious thinking which might end up in at least 3 hot fudge sundaes later!!
Another way of making the choice to not have that hot fudge sundae comes from seriously considering the hot fudge sundae & at the same time remembering that what you really, really want. You might want to make healthy food choices that will make you feel good about yourself afterwards. You might remember that you want to be able to move around easily & fit into your clothing. You want to have the freedom to sit wherever you want without having to worry about whether you might get stuck in the chair, without having to worry about having to ask for a seat belt extender on the airplane. You want to have the freedom that comes from keeping your eye on the ball. You also want to continue to build a good, respectful relationship with yourself.
My Dad is gone now, but his message to me has taken on new meaning. I wake up in the morning, setting clear intentions for myself for the day ahead. I remind myself that I want to bring mindfulness into my moments whenever I am able. I always want to keep my eye on the ball of mindfulness, trying to make wise choices that will allow me to feel good about myself afterwards.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Colonoscopy Blues or All Pooped Out
Well, dear Reader, we are going to undertake a journey in this blog that is less than glamorous, way less!
My doctor informed me that it was time for me to have a colonoscopy. Little did I know what ancient history behavior the preparation for this procedure would stimulate.
For those of you who are young & innocent enough to not know what the procedure is, let me explain as delicately as possible. You must drink way more Gatorade than you would ever dream of drinking in the same day, mixed with a laxative solution after taking 4 laxative pills. During this time you need to stay home, close to your indoor home plumbing while emptying the contents of your internal body plumbing. This is all done to prepare for smooth sailing the following day for your gastroenterologist who will be sending a little camera up into your colon to make sure everything is OK in there.
Amazingly the above described stuff was the easy part for me. The problem came with the directions that said that I was not to ingest anything but clear liquids the day before the colonoscopy. It also mentioned that it would be best to eat lightly the day before that.
You must understand that in my earlier premindfuleating days, I was a black vs. white, all vs. nothing, perfectly on a diet vs. perfectly off a diet person. So, like a good little colonoscopy patient-to-be, I decided to eat very, very lightly starting 2 days before the procedure.
So, I woke up on the actual day of clear liquid only diet preparation HUNGRY!! The word "diet" makes me hungry. The thought of clear liquids makes me hungry. Put them together & I am very, very HUNGRY!!!! The plan was for Sid and me to pick my mom up for lunch before it was time for me to begin the Gatorade cleanse. That had sounded fine to me a week earlier when I agreed to it, back when I was still sane.
Sanity flew out the window when I began to walk into the restaurant. As I smelled the incredibly fragrant smells & saw the dishes piled high with breathtakingly delicious items, I felt a cloud of melancholy descend down through my body at the same time that my mouth began to water. When our order came to the table, my tall glass of apple juice was unable to hold it's own against Sid's & Mom's meals. I thought I was going to swoon when the waitress set a plate with the most perfectly toasted English muffin I had ever seen, slathered in butter, one of my very most favorite things, down between Sid & me. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to keep from grabbing that muffin and stuffing it into my mouth! Over and over I had that strong urge to grab and stuff, grab and stuff!
I felt so incredibly sorry for myself. It was so unfair, to be starving in a sea of abundant food. Why could everybody else be eating whatever they wanted? What had I ever done to deserve this? Poor Cheryl.
It dawned on me that this was how I had lived years and years of my life. I would be adhering perfectly to the latest diet fad and then a moment would come where that same melancholy would come over me as I felt so sad and so pathetic. That was followed by a compensatory bout of overeating that would totally undo all of my perfect dieting.
This time I just became mindful of what I was feeling, the urges I had, the hopeless thoughts that marched through my mind. It was all so familiar.
I am proud to report that I did not steal anybody's food, nor did I throw a fit. I adhered to the doctor's orders. I would like to think that he was impressed at how clean my plumbing was. I was given color photos of said plumbing and, dear Reader, I am sure you will be pleased to see that I have resisted the urge to post them here or anywhere else, for that matter, although everything was sparkling clean.
I'm back to a life of mindfully eating what I want, stopping when I'm satisfied and being grateful to be free to do so.
My doctor informed me that it was time for me to have a colonoscopy. Little did I know what ancient history behavior the preparation for this procedure would stimulate.
For those of you who are young & innocent enough to not know what the procedure is, let me explain as delicately as possible. You must drink way more Gatorade than you would ever dream of drinking in the same day, mixed with a laxative solution after taking 4 laxative pills. During this time you need to stay home, close to your indoor home plumbing while emptying the contents of your internal body plumbing. This is all done to prepare for smooth sailing the following day for your gastroenterologist who will be sending a little camera up into your colon to make sure everything is OK in there.
Amazingly the above described stuff was the easy part for me. The problem came with the directions that said that I was not to ingest anything but clear liquids the day before the colonoscopy. It also mentioned that it would be best to eat lightly the day before that.
You must understand that in my earlier premindfuleating days, I was a black vs. white, all vs. nothing, perfectly on a diet vs. perfectly off a diet person. So, like a good little colonoscopy patient-to-be, I decided to eat very, very lightly starting 2 days before the procedure.
So, I woke up on the actual day of clear liquid only diet preparation HUNGRY!! The word "diet" makes me hungry. The thought of clear liquids makes me hungry. Put them together & I am very, very HUNGRY!!!! The plan was for Sid and me to pick my mom up for lunch before it was time for me to begin the Gatorade cleanse. That had sounded fine to me a week earlier when I agreed to it, back when I was still sane.
Sanity flew out the window when I began to walk into the restaurant. As I smelled the incredibly fragrant smells & saw the dishes piled high with breathtakingly delicious items, I felt a cloud of melancholy descend down through my body at the same time that my mouth began to water. When our order came to the table, my tall glass of apple juice was unable to hold it's own against Sid's & Mom's meals. I thought I was going to swoon when the waitress set a plate with the most perfectly toasted English muffin I had ever seen, slathered in butter, one of my very most favorite things, down between Sid & me. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to keep from grabbing that muffin and stuffing it into my mouth! Over and over I had that strong urge to grab and stuff, grab and stuff!
I felt so incredibly sorry for myself. It was so unfair, to be starving in a sea of abundant food. Why could everybody else be eating whatever they wanted? What had I ever done to deserve this? Poor Cheryl.
It dawned on me that this was how I had lived years and years of my life. I would be adhering perfectly to the latest diet fad and then a moment would come where that same melancholy would come over me as I felt so sad and so pathetic. That was followed by a compensatory bout of overeating that would totally undo all of my perfect dieting.
This time I just became mindful of what I was feeling, the urges I had, the hopeless thoughts that marched through my mind. It was all so familiar.
I am proud to report that I did not steal anybody's food, nor did I throw a fit. I adhered to the doctor's orders. I would like to think that he was impressed at how clean my plumbing was. I was given color photos of said plumbing and, dear Reader, I am sure you will be pleased to see that I have resisted the urge to post them here or anywhere else, for that matter, although everything was sparkling clean.
I'm back to a life of mindfully eating what I want, stopping when I'm satisfied and being grateful to be free to do so.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Letting My Heart Be Touched
Geez, I haven't been here for a while. I apologize. Sometimes when I have the most inspired thoughts, I'm in the shower or driving the car & can't really type those thoughts down. Then I lose the inspiration.
But, here I am today & now in this present moment.
As I have tried to make sense of my life, I have learned many things and have found many wonderful teachers. Some of them are my clients.
Many years ago I began to operate from my shoulders up. I learned to turn off my body feelings in response to some painful whippings with a big black leather belt with a large silver buckle. I thought I was quite clever to be able to go to the dentist and never need any novacaine. I could just stare at the corner of the room & block out any sensations of pain. I used this talent in many ways long after the whippings were over.
I imagine that food became a solace for me, another way to turn off uncomfortable feelings of an emotional nature. I guess it was was my emotional novacaine.
One of the things that I discovered in my relections about what was not working in my life was that in many ways I was totally numb. Spring would come & I couldn't really let myself feel much about it. I graduated from graduate school & didn't really have any feelings about it the way that other students did. I went home after finishing my final final exam & pulled weeds. I was sometimes asking myself, "Is this all there is?", "What's the point?"
When I began a mindfulness practice, I began to meditate. I was sitting still with myself. There was nothing to do - except be quietly with me. I journaled about my experience with mindfulness & very slowly began to see that I was very good at talking to myself about everything in my life, but I never felt much of anything about anything.
Now, I have to hasten to add that the major exceptions to this were my children. They brought me feelings of wonder & tenderness & love in a vibrant way. I experienced many wonderful feelings by observing them & seeing the world through their eyes. But, children have a way of growing up & then I was back to my numbed out self.
As I developed mindfulness skills, I was intrigued by the idea of looking at a flower without talking to myself about the flower - just taking in the essence of the flower. At first I thought it was impossible. Then, little by little, magic began to happen in my heart. All of my descriptions of the color, size, name of the flower died away. I was no longer comparing this flower to other flowers. It was just this flower and me. I started to relax the area around my heart as I breathed slowly & then the flower "touched" my heart, emotionally. It was so wonderful. I felt alive - for the first time in a long time. It was as if the flower began to glow with its essence and I began to resonate with that.
This process has expanded unbelievably over the years. I try to bring mindfulness to more & more aspects of my life. If I'm getting a little irritated at Sid, I "wake up" & remember to look at his essence & suddenly I am filled with love & respect for who he really is. Without my saying a word, he knows & responds positively to me.
I am moving to a new office building 2 blocks from where I currently work May 1. I just went over there to check it out. There are rose bushes right outside my window. Little buds are bursting out all over the bushes. I walked out into the wonderful outdoor courtyard which will be a perfect meditation walkway. There was a dogwood tree in full bloom overhead. It took my breath away. I have found that those times when nature takes my breath away, I need to really take in the beauty to warm me on the inside the way my grandchildren so naturally do.
At my age I realize how short life is. I want to drink in every last part of it. (As I wrote that I was aware that I also am careful about what I expose myself to. I don't expose myself to violence or other toxic things). I take food into my body that I really enjoy. I see it. I taste it. I feel its presence in me as I swallow it.
There is so much to experience and to feel. I am grateful that I no longer am numb.
But, here I am today & now in this present moment.
As I have tried to make sense of my life, I have learned many things and have found many wonderful teachers. Some of them are my clients.
Many years ago I began to operate from my shoulders up. I learned to turn off my body feelings in response to some painful whippings with a big black leather belt with a large silver buckle. I thought I was quite clever to be able to go to the dentist and never need any novacaine. I could just stare at the corner of the room & block out any sensations of pain. I used this talent in many ways long after the whippings were over.
I imagine that food became a solace for me, another way to turn off uncomfortable feelings of an emotional nature. I guess it was was my emotional novacaine.
One of the things that I discovered in my relections about what was not working in my life was that in many ways I was totally numb. Spring would come & I couldn't really let myself feel much about it. I graduated from graduate school & didn't really have any feelings about it the way that other students did. I went home after finishing my final final exam & pulled weeds. I was sometimes asking myself, "Is this all there is?", "What's the point?"
When I began a mindfulness practice, I began to meditate. I was sitting still with myself. There was nothing to do - except be quietly with me. I journaled about my experience with mindfulness & very slowly began to see that I was very good at talking to myself about everything in my life, but I never felt much of anything about anything.
Now, I have to hasten to add that the major exceptions to this were my children. They brought me feelings of wonder & tenderness & love in a vibrant way. I experienced many wonderful feelings by observing them & seeing the world through their eyes. But, children have a way of growing up & then I was back to my numbed out self.
As I developed mindfulness skills, I was intrigued by the idea of looking at a flower without talking to myself about the flower - just taking in the essence of the flower. At first I thought it was impossible. Then, little by little, magic began to happen in my heart. All of my descriptions of the color, size, name of the flower died away. I was no longer comparing this flower to other flowers. It was just this flower and me. I started to relax the area around my heart as I breathed slowly & then the flower "touched" my heart, emotionally. It was so wonderful. I felt alive - for the first time in a long time. It was as if the flower began to glow with its essence and I began to resonate with that.
This process has expanded unbelievably over the years. I try to bring mindfulness to more & more aspects of my life. If I'm getting a little irritated at Sid, I "wake up" & remember to look at his essence & suddenly I am filled with love & respect for who he really is. Without my saying a word, he knows & responds positively to me.
I am moving to a new office building 2 blocks from where I currently work May 1. I just went over there to check it out. There are rose bushes right outside my window. Little buds are bursting out all over the bushes. I walked out into the wonderful outdoor courtyard which will be a perfect meditation walkway. There was a dogwood tree in full bloom overhead. It took my breath away. I have found that those times when nature takes my breath away, I need to really take in the beauty to warm me on the inside the way my grandchildren so naturally do.
At my age I realize how short life is. I want to drink in every last part of it. (As I wrote that I was aware that I also am careful about what I expose myself to. I don't expose myself to violence or other toxic things). I take food into my body that I really enjoy. I see it. I taste it. I feel its presence in me as I swallow it.
There is so much to experience and to feel. I am grateful that I no longer am numb.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Where Are You When You Are Eating?
This seems to have been a particularly long, dark, cold winter here in St. Louis. (I wonder if I think that every year at this time?)
In the past week Spring has been tentatively making some advances. This morning I decided to take my breakfast out onto my deck in the sunshine to start my day off in a bright, cheery way, soaking up all of the warmth I could.
I sat down with my little bowl of yogurt topped with nuts & cereal. I took a couple of nice, deep breaths to center myself in the experience of taking in both the food & the lovely experience. So far so good, right?
The next thing I knew, I became aware that I was crunched forward, stareing in the direction of my bowl, feverishly thinking about all the things I had to accomplish today & about how there wasn't enough time to do it. I realized that I only had 1 bite left in my bowl.
I missed it! I hadn't been present for my breakfast. I was in my head stressing myself with my thinking which, as usual, would do nothing to solve the time problem. So, now I was feeling frustrated with myself & my mindlessness.
I interrupted all of this by straightening up & taking a nice, slow breath. Suddenly I was back in the awareness of Spring warming me. I heard the birds calling. I saw the trees gracefully moving to the rhythm of the breeze.
I mindfully took my last bite of breakfast. I was aware of the texture in my mouth, of the food being swallowed & then moving on down into my body to nourish it.
I realized that this last bite nourished all of me - my senses, my heart and my mind. What a lovely way to start my day.
In the past week Spring has been tentatively making some advances. This morning I decided to take my breakfast out onto my deck in the sunshine to start my day off in a bright, cheery way, soaking up all of the warmth I could.
I sat down with my little bowl of yogurt topped with nuts & cereal. I took a couple of nice, deep breaths to center myself in the experience of taking in both the food & the lovely experience. So far so good, right?
The next thing I knew, I became aware that I was crunched forward, stareing in the direction of my bowl, feverishly thinking about all the things I had to accomplish today & about how there wasn't enough time to do it. I realized that I only had 1 bite left in my bowl.
I missed it! I hadn't been present for my breakfast. I was in my head stressing myself with my thinking which, as usual, would do nothing to solve the time problem. So, now I was feeling frustrated with myself & my mindlessness.
I interrupted all of this by straightening up & taking a nice, slow breath. Suddenly I was back in the awareness of Spring warming me. I heard the birds calling. I saw the trees gracefully moving to the rhythm of the breeze.
I mindfully took my last bite of breakfast. I was aware of the texture in my mouth, of the food being swallowed & then moving on down into my body to nourish it.
I realized that this last bite nourished all of me - my senses, my heart and my mind. What a lovely way to start my day.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Mindful Eating Nitty-Gritty I: Where Are You When You're Eating?
So, my question to you as we start to delve a little more into Mindful Eating is, as you can see from the title of this post, Where Are You When You're Eating?
What do I mean by that?
Well, most of us rarely inhabit our bodies when we do anything. We are usually "up in our heads", worrying about the future or stewing about the past. We are anywhere but in the present moment, paying attention to ourselves and our current experience.
We say that we love food more than anything else, but in reality, we're usually "not there" when eating. We might be driving the car & eating. We might be reading & eating. We might be watching tv & eating. The list goes on & on.
Why does it matter?
We can only truly, effectively pay attention to 1 thing at a time. There is a lot of brain research supporting this assertion. I know, I know. Multitasking is considered the only way to function in our society. Have you ever noticed how much stress, unhappiness & dissatisfaction there also is in our society? Perhaps if we were to slow down, take a deep breath & check in with ourselves every once in a while, life might appear differently to us.
Back to the food issue. If we were to slow down & make thoughtful food choices, we would be off to a good start. If we were then to slowly use our senses to enjoy the food that we choose, we would use our eyes to see the food, our nose to smell the aromas, our sense of touch & taste to be aware of the food in our mouth so that we could savor this food experience.
If you begin to mindfully (& kindly) observe your eating, you might notice that you grab your food, gulp it down & then want more because you don't feel satisfied.
Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or cookies to watch tv & the first thing you know, your hand is touching the bottom of the now empty bag & you don't remember eating any of it because you weren't paying attention?
I was once advised to eat like a gourmet rather than a glutton. The comparison was made to a wine connessieur vs an alcoholic. The wine connessieur (hope that's spelled right) pours the wine slowly into the glass, holds the glass up to the light to look for clarity, sniffs the "bouquet", & takes one sip which is held in the mouth. An alcoholic grabs whatever is available & gulps it down & down until the desired effect occurs.
When you eat mindfully, you know you are eating. You are paying attention to your experience. Your brain is aware that you are eating. You notice that your body is becoming satisfied, so that you can stop when you have had enough.
Why not bring some mindfulness into your next meal - not to beat yourself up for not doing it right, but to notice where you might be able to create a better, more fulfilling experience?
What do I mean by that?
Well, most of us rarely inhabit our bodies when we do anything. We are usually "up in our heads", worrying about the future or stewing about the past. We are anywhere but in the present moment, paying attention to ourselves and our current experience.
We say that we love food more than anything else, but in reality, we're usually "not there" when eating. We might be driving the car & eating. We might be reading & eating. We might be watching tv & eating. The list goes on & on.
Why does it matter?
We can only truly, effectively pay attention to 1 thing at a time. There is a lot of brain research supporting this assertion. I know, I know. Multitasking is considered the only way to function in our society. Have you ever noticed how much stress, unhappiness & dissatisfaction there also is in our society? Perhaps if we were to slow down, take a deep breath & check in with ourselves every once in a while, life might appear differently to us.
Back to the food issue. If we were to slow down & make thoughtful food choices, we would be off to a good start. If we were then to slowly use our senses to enjoy the food that we choose, we would use our eyes to see the food, our nose to smell the aromas, our sense of touch & taste to be aware of the food in our mouth so that we could savor this food experience.
If you begin to mindfully (& kindly) observe your eating, you might notice that you grab your food, gulp it down & then want more because you don't feel satisfied.
Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or cookies to watch tv & the first thing you know, your hand is touching the bottom of the now empty bag & you don't remember eating any of it because you weren't paying attention?
I was once advised to eat like a gourmet rather than a glutton. The comparison was made to a wine connessieur vs an alcoholic. The wine connessieur (hope that's spelled right) pours the wine slowly into the glass, holds the glass up to the light to look for clarity, sniffs the "bouquet", & takes one sip which is held in the mouth. An alcoholic grabs whatever is available & gulps it down & down until the desired effect occurs.
When you eat mindfully, you know you are eating. You are paying attention to your experience. Your brain is aware that you are eating. You notice that your body is becoming satisfied, so that you can stop when you have had enough.
Why not bring some mindfulness into your next meal - not to beat yourself up for not doing it right, but to notice where you might be able to create a better, more fulfilling experience?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Mindful Eating on a Cruise
It's good to be back home & to have the extra time now to blog.
The title of this post, Mindful Eating on a Cruise, might seem like an oxymoron. Since this was my first cruise, many friends told me that I needed to leave my mindful eating home. It's not possible with all of the wonderful food that's available.
Well, they were right in terms of all the wonderful food that was available. However, I'm very grateful that I remembered to pack my mindful eating, along with the anti-seasickness patches for behind my ears!
There seemed to be miles and miles of beautifully displayed food set out around the clock. There were so many choices ranging from totally decadent layers upon layer of fudge-caramel-mousse-torte whatevers to vegetarian dishes.
In my out of control eater days of yore, I imagine that I would have become overwhelmed with all of the choices. I would have wanted to load up on all of the things that I thought I shouldn't eat, because, after all, we paid for it, who knows when I'll ever have this chance to eat this stuff again, etc., etc.
In reality, I came home after a week on-board having lost a lb.!! I certainly wasn't dieting. Dieting is no longer a part of my life.
What I found was that having lots of food choices and lots of relaxed time to make those choices freed me to slow down, look at everything available & check in with my body to see what I was actually hungry for. My decisions weren't based on what looked the most forbidden or the healthiest, but what my body really wanted & needed at that particular point in time. It was fun.
Sometimes I would choose something, take a bite & know that it wasn't what I wanted & push it away. I was pleased that I was able to pay such good attention to what I was experiencing. It felt great!!
I never felt deprived because I ate all sorts of things. I had some wonderful praline cheesecake on 2 occasions. I had some vegetarian dishes that I had always wanted to try. I liked some & some didn't suit me at that particular moment.
Sid & I ran & walked 20 - 30 minutes on the running deck 4 days. We toured Puerto Rico, Tortola, St. Martins & Nassau, Bahamas. It was wonderful.
The most wonderful part was being there with Sid, my son, Doug, his wife, Carlene, & 3 of my 5 grandchildren, Alex, Julia, & Isabella. It's always fun being with them. Their presence was what filled me up with warm loving memories rather than food filling me up with self-loathing & fat.
The title of this post, Mindful Eating on a Cruise, might seem like an oxymoron. Since this was my first cruise, many friends told me that I needed to leave my mindful eating home. It's not possible with all of the wonderful food that's available.
Well, they were right in terms of all the wonderful food that was available. However, I'm very grateful that I remembered to pack my mindful eating, along with the anti-seasickness patches for behind my ears!
There seemed to be miles and miles of beautifully displayed food set out around the clock. There were so many choices ranging from totally decadent layers upon layer of fudge-caramel-mousse-torte whatevers to vegetarian dishes.
In my out of control eater days of yore, I imagine that I would have become overwhelmed with all of the choices. I would have wanted to load up on all of the things that I thought I shouldn't eat, because, after all, we paid for it, who knows when I'll ever have this chance to eat this stuff again, etc., etc.
In reality, I came home after a week on-board having lost a lb.!! I certainly wasn't dieting. Dieting is no longer a part of my life.
What I found was that having lots of food choices and lots of relaxed time to make those choices freed me to slow down, look at everything available & check in with my body to see what I was actually hungry for. My decisions weren't based on what looked the most forbidden or the healthiest, but what my body really wanted & needed at that particular point in time. It was fun.
Sometimes I would choose something, take a bite & know that it wasn't what I wanted & push it away. I was pleased that I was able to pay such good attention to what I was experiencing. It felt great!!
I never felt deprived because I ate all sorts of things. I had some wonderful praline cheesecake on 2 occasions. I had some vegetarian dishes that I had always wanted to try. I liked some & some didn't suit me at that particular moment.
Sid & I ran & walked 20 - 30 minutes on the running deck 4 days. We toured Puerto Rico, Tortola, St. Martins & Nassau, Bahamas. It was wonderful.
The most wonderful part was being there with Sid, my son, Doug, his wife, Carlene, & 3 of my 5 grandchildren, Alex, Julia, & Isabella. It's always fun being with them. Their presence was what filled me up with warm loving memories rather than food filling me up with self-loathing & fat.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My Next "Opportunity"
Today I am leaving to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise with Sid & my son & his family. This is my first cruise. It's been interesting to note my clients' reactions to this.
"You're going to be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with all that FOOD!!"
"Just accept the fact that you're going to gain 10 lbs!!"
"There's no way any one can go on a cruise without stuffing themselves with all of that delicious food. There will be anything you could ever want."
"This is your vacation. Don't try to limit yourself. You'll ruin it"
All I know is that it will be lovely to be in a new setting (especially a warm one) with my family. This is an adventure and I will bring mindfulness to my experiences as often as possible.
Stay tuned.
I will honestly fill you in on how it goes after I return.
BON VOYAGE
"You're going to be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with all that FOOD!!"
"Just accept the fact that you're going to gain 10 lbs!!"
"There's no way any one can go on a cruise without stuffing themselves with all of that delicious food. There will be anything you could ever want."
"This is your vacation. Don't try to limit yourself. You'll ruin it"
All I know is that it will be lovely to be in a new setting (especially a warm one) with my family. This is an adventure and I will bring mindfulness to my experiences as often as possible.
Stay tuned.
I will honestly fill you in on how it goes after I return.
BON VOYAGE
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Year's Eve Opportunity
It's New Year's Eve. Every moment gives us a new opportunity. " A new opportunity for what?," you ask. And my answer is, "Precisely!"
What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
And now, you have a new chance: What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
New moments with their promise of new opportunities just keep coming, one after the other. Isn't that great? We don't have to do it perfectly right now because there will be a new moment, new opportunity.
As I write this, I remember how I used to procrastinate, thinking, "I'll make changes tomorrow," and those tomorrows continued to come and go with no new changes, just new promises.
How to resolve this dilemma?
Perhaps it would be useful to stop right now. Take a few deep, calming breaths and out of this place of calmness, let yourself think about The Woman (or Man) I Would Like to Be.......
Think in terms of how that person approaches life, dilemmas, relationships, nurturance, etc.........
And now, what one small change can you make right now to move in the direction of becoming that person?
Happy New Year and Happy New Moment (with its new opportunity)
What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
And now, you have a new chance: What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
New moments with their promise of new opportunities just keep coming, one after the other. Isn't that great? We don't have to do it perfectly right now because there will be a new moment, new opportunity.
As I write this, I remember how I used to procrastinate, thinking, "I'll make changes tomorrow," and those tomorrows continued to come and go with no new changes, just new promises.
How to resolve this dilemma?
Perhaps it would be useful to stop right now. Take a few deep, calming breaths and out of this place of calmness, let yourself think about The Woman (or Man) I Would Like to Be.......
Think in terms of how that person approaches life, dilemmas, relationships, nurturance, etc.........
And now, what one small change can you make right now to move in the direction of becoming that person?
Happy New Year and Happy New Moment (with its new opportunity)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Amazing Power of Mindlessness
When I turned on my computer the other day, there was a article that "caught my attention" because it was about food (of course). It had a picture of a big, juicy cheeseburger that really reeled me in. It was one of those "Choose this, not that" articles about cheeseburger choices at various fast food places. In some sort of hypnotic state, I merrily clicked my way through the choices, admiring each of the accompanying photos. Then I began plotting, thinking about my schedule & trying to figure out how to get to the nearest fast food joint to get what looked best to me.
What looked best to me, you might wonder? I wanted the "not that" choices - the ones that had 42 grams of fat & 1200 calories!! There was this thrill of urgency, of excitement of "Oh, boy!"
And then I woke up! My mindfulness kicked in.
Do you know what was the most amazing part of this for me? I don't even like cheeseburgers!! I don't remember the last time I had one on purpose (although it probably was when somebody made one & I ate it because I needed to put what I perceived as their need before mine - & yes, Dear Reader, I will devote an article to that subject, I promise)
I learned years ago that cheeseburgers give me tremendous indigestion & heartburn. I feel crummy after I eat one.
So what on earth was going on here? Was I delusional?
In fact, I mindlessly got carried away by old habitual patterns. I used to love high fat, high calorie foods, in part, because I never paid sufficient attention to myself or to my body to notice the effect of these foods, other than the resultant fat that accumulated on my body. I had reverted to old ways of thinking. I had been carried away by the fantasy of the "fun" factor that I perceived in the pictures.
So what happened when I say that "I woke up?" That's when I became mindful of my experience. I became aware of the present moment where I was sitting in front of my computer screen with my mouth watering.
It was as if I had awoken from a dream. Now I once again had my wits about me & became curious about what was really going on.
Sometimes when something like this happens it's just because I'm tired & fall back into old ways of thinking.
Other times it's a signal to me that I need a break from what I'm doing - even a 5 min. walk can make a big difference.
Other times it's because I'm hungry & I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals.
Or perhaps I need a little more fun in my day.
Maybe I need to make a connection with a friend.
It always boils down to needing to slow down, take a couple of nice, deep breaths & bring my attention back to me. I need to get to a centered place where I can calmly reflect on what I really need.
So, you might be able to see, that my mindless eating patterns of my past were attempts by me to get my own attention. Back then I knew I wanted something, so I gave myself food - lots & lots of food.
But it never seemed to be enough. It never would be enough because food was not was I was starved for. I was hungering for a deep, nurturing relationship with myself.
You will see that this is an ongoing theme for me & for many others who have become mindful eaters: What do you really want?
Even though your thinking might be screaming, "Food!" "Food!", keep asking yourself,
"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED?"
What looked best to me, you might wonder? I wanted the "not that" choices - the ones that had 42 grams of fat & 1200 calories!! There was this thrill of urgency, of excitement of "Oh, boy!"
And then I woke up! My mindfulness kicked in.
Do you know what was the most amazing part of this for me? I don't even like cheeseburgers!! I don't remember the last time I had one on purpose (although it probably was when somebody made one & I ate it because I needed to put what I perceived as their need before mine - & yes, Dear Reader, I will devote an article to that subject, I promise)
I learned years ago that cheeseburgers give me tremendous indigestion & heartburn. I feel crummy after I eat one.
So what on earth was going on here? Was I delusional?
In fact, I mindlessly got carried away by old habitual patterns. I used to love high fat, high calorie foods, in part, because I never paid sufficient attention to myself or to my body to notice the effect of these foods, other than the resultant fat that accumulated on my body. I had reverted to old ways of thinking. I had been carried away by the fantasy of the "fun" factor that I perceived in the pictures.
So what happened when I say that "I woke up?" That's when I became mindful of my experience. I became aware of the present moment where I was sitting in front of my computer screen with my mouth watering.
It was as if I had awoken from a dream. Now I once again had my wits about me & became curious about what was really going on.
Sometimes when something like this happens it's just because I'm tired & fall back into old ways of thinking.
Other times it's a signal to me that I need a break from what I'm doing - even a 5 min. walk can make a big difference.
Other times it's because I'm hungry & I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals.
Or perhaps I need a little more fun in my day.
Maybe I need to make a connection with a friend.
It always boils down to needing to slow down, take a couple of nice, deep breaths & bring my attention back to me. I need to get to a centered place where I can calmly reflect on what I really need.
So, you might be able to see, that my mindless eating patterns of my past were attempts by me to get my own attention. Back then I knew I wanted something, so I gave myself food - lots & lots of food.
But it never seemed to be enough. It never would be enough because food was not was I was starved for. I was hungering for a deep, nurturing relationship with myself.
You will see that this is an ongoing theme for me & for many others who have become mindful eaters: What do you really want?
Even though your thinking might be screaming, "Food!" "Food!", keep asking yourself,
"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED?"
Friday, December 18, 2009
Listening with the Heart
On Wed. I received a desperate call from an insurance co. in Chicago that I do business with, requesting me to go on-site into a local corporation to conduct a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, which in this particular case means grief counseling for a workplace suicide that had been discovered Wed. afternoon. A young woman had killed herself & the co. wanted me to help the co-workers deal with whatever feelings came up Thurs. am right after the co-workers would learn about this tragedy. I said, "Yes" without hesitation for this 4 1/2 hr. assignment. Fortunately,it fit in with my private practice schedule.
I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.
Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.
Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."
Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.
I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."
So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."
Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.
Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."
I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.
I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.
When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."
I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.
I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.
Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.
Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."
Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.
I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."
So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."
Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.
Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."
I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.
I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.
When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."
I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
With visions of ................dancing through my head
Well, I found out why my head has been so clogged. I have a double ear infection & a sinus infection. I'm on meds now so relief is on the way. I've been really tired as I battle these infections, so I thought I'd take a nap just now since I have a free hr. between 9 clients today. I put my head down & suddenly I saw visions of this blog dancing through my head. Try as I might, they would not go away, so here I am.
I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.
A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.
It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.
Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.
I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.
Food is just food! Oh, no!
There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!
I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.
A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.
It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.
Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.
I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.
Food is just food! Oh, no!
There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!
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