Colonoscopy Blues or All Pooped Out

Well, dear Reader, we are going to undertake a journey in this blog that is less than glamorous, way less!

My doctor informed me that it was time for me to have a colonoscopy. Little did I know what ancient history behavior the preparation for this procedure would stimulate.

For those of you who are young & innocent enough to not know what the procedure is, let me explain as delicately as possible. You must drink way more Gatorade than you would ever dream of drinking in the same day, mixed with a laxative solution after taking 4 laxative pills. During this time you need to stay home, close to your indoor home plumbing while emptying the contents of your internal body plumbing. This is all done to prepare for smooth sailing the following day for your gastroenterologist who will be sending a little camera up into your colon to make sure everything is OK in there.

Amazingly the above described stuff was the easy part for me. The problem came with the directions that said that I was not to ingest anything but clear liquids the day before the colonoscopy. It also mentioned that it would be best to eat lightly the day before that.

You must understand that in my earlier premindfuleating days, I was a black vs. white, all vs. nothing, perfectly on a diet vs. perfectly off a diet person. So, like a good little colonoscopy patient-to-be, I decided to eat very, very lightly starting 2 days before the procedure.

So, I woke up on the actual day of clear liquid only diet preparation HUNGRY!! The word "diet" makes me hungry. The thought of clear liquids makes me hungry. Put them together & I am very, very HUNGRY!!!! The plan was for Sid and me to pick my mom up for lunch before it was time for me to begin the Gatorade cleanse. That had sounded fine to me a week earlier when I agreed to it, back when I was still sane.

Sanity flew out the window when I began to walk into the restaurant. As I smelled the incredibly fragrant smells & saw the dishes piled high with breathtakingly delicious items, I felt a cloud of melancholy descend down through my body at the same time that my mouth began to water. When our order came to the table, my tall glass of apple juice was unable to hold it's own against Sid's & Mom's meals. I thought I was going to swoon when the waitress set a plate with the most perfectly toasted English muffin I had ever seen, slathered in butter, one of my very most favorite things, down between Sid & me. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to keep from grabbing that muffin and stuffing it into my mouth! Over and over I had that strong urge to grab and stuff, grab and stuff!

I felt so incredibly sorry for myself. It was so unfair, to be starving in a sea of abundant food. Why could everybody else be eating whatever they wanted? What had I ever done to deserve this? Poor Cheryl.

It dawned on me that this was how I had lived years and years of my life. I would be adhering perfectly to the latest diet fad and then a moment would come where that same melancholy would come over me as I felt so sad and so pathetic. That was followed by a compensatory bout of overeating that would totally undo all of my perfect dieting.

This time I just became mindful of what I was feeling, the urges I had, the hopeless thoughts that marched through my mind. It was all so familiar.

I am proud to report that I did not steal anybody's food, nor did I throw a fit. I adhered to the doctor's orders. I would like to think that he was impressed at how clean my plumbing was. I was given color photos of said plumbing and, dear Reader, I am sure you will be pleased to see that I have resisted the urge to post them here or anywhere else, for that matter, although everything was sparkling clean.

I'm back to a life of mindfully eating what I want, stopping when I'm satisfied and being grateful to be free to do so.

Letting My Heart Be Touched

Geez, I haven't been here for a while. I apologize. Sometimes when I have the most inspired thoughts, I'm in the shower or driving the car & can't really type those thoughts down. Then I lose the inspiration.

But, here I am today & now in this present moment.

As I have tried to make sense of my life, I have learned many things and have found many wonderful teachers. Some of them are my clients.

Many years ago I began to operate from my shoulders up. I learned to turn off my body feelings in response to some painful whippings with a big black leather belt with a large silver buckle. I thought I was quite clever to be able to go to the dentist and never need any novacaine. I could just stare at the corner of the room & block out any sensations of pain. I used this talent in many ways long after the whippings were over.

I imagine that food became a solace for me, another way to turn off uncomfortable feelings of an emotional nature. I guess it was was my emotional novacaine.

One of the things that I discovered in my relections about what was not working in my life was that in many ways I was totally numb. Spring would come & I couldn't really let myself feel much about it. I graduated from graduate school & didn't really have any feelings about it the way that other students did. I went home after finishing my final final exam & pulled weeds. I was sometimes asking myself, "Is this all there is?", "What's the point?"

When I began a mindfulness practice, I began to meditate. I was sitting still with myself. There was nothing to do - except be quietly with me. I journaled about my experience with mindfulness & very slowly began to see that I was very good at talking to myself about everything in my life, but I never felt much of anything about anything.

Now, I have to hasten to add that the major exceptions to this were my children. They brought me feelings of wonder & tenderness & love in a vibrant way. I experienced many wonderful feelings by observing them & seeing the world through their eyes. But, children have a way of growing up & then I was back to my numbed out self.

As I developed mindfulness skills, I was intrigued by the idea of looking at a flower without talking to myself about the flower - just taking in the essence of the flower. At first I thought it was impossible. Then, little by little, magic began to happen in my heart. All of my descriptions of the color, size, name of the flower died away. I was no longer comparing this flower to other flowers. It was just this flower and me. I started to relax the area around my heart as I breathed slowly & then the flower "touched" my heart, emotionally. It was so wonderful. I felt alive - for the first time in a long time. It was as if the flower began to glow with its essence and I began to resonate with that.

This process has expanded unbelievably over the years. I try to bring mindfulness to more & more aspects of my life. If I'm getting a little irritated at Sid, I "wake up" & remember to look at his essence & suddenly I am filled with love & respect for who he really is. Without my saying a word, he knows & responds positively to me.

I am moving to a new office building 2 blocks from where I currently work May 1. I just went over there to check it out. There are rose bushes right outside my window. Little buds are bursting out all over the bushes. I walked out into the wonderful outdoor courtyard which will be a perfect meditation walkway. There was a dogwood tree in full bloom overhead. It took my breath away. I have found that those times when nature takes my breath away, I need to really take in the beauty to warm me on the inside the way my grandchildren so naturally do.

At my age I realize how short life is. I want to drink in every last part of it. (As I wrote that I was aware that I also am careful about what I expose myself to. I don't expose myself to violence or other toxic things). I take food into my body that I really enjoy. I see it. I taste it. I feel its presence in me as I swallow it.

There is so much to experience and to feel. I am grateful that I no longer am numb.

Where Are You When You Are Eating?

This seems to have been a particularly long, dark, cold winter here in St. Louis. (I wonder if I think that every year at this time?)

In the past week Spring has been tentatively making some advances. This morning I decided to take my breakfast out onto my deck in the sunshine to start my day off in a bright, cheery way, soaking up all of the warmth I could.

I sat down with my little bowl of yogurt topped with nuts & cereal. I took a couple of nice, deep breaths to center myself in the experience of taking in both the food & the lovely experience. So far so good, right?

The next thing I knew, I became aware that I was crunched forward, stareing in the direction of my bowl, feverishly thinking about all the things I had to accomplish today & about how there wasn't enough time to do it. I realized that I only had 1 bite left in my bowl.

I missed it! I hadn't been present for my breakfast. I was in my head stressing myself with my thinking which, as usual, would do nothing to solve the time problem. So, now I was feeling frustrated with myself & my mindlessness.

I interrupted all of this by straightening up & taking a nice, slow breath. Suddenly I was back in the awareness of Spring warming me. I heard the birds calling. I saw the trees gracefully moving to the rhythm of the breeze.

I mindfully took my last bite of breakfast. I was aware of the texture in my mouth, of the food being swallowed & then moving on down into my body to nourish it.

I realized that this last bite nourished all of me - my senses, my heart and my mind. What a lovely way to start my day.

Mindful Eating Nitty-Gritty I: Where Are You When You're Eating?

So, my question to you as we start to delve a little more into Mindful Eating is, as you can see from the title of this post, Where Are You When You're Eating?

What do I mean by that?

Well, most of us rarely inhabit our bodies when we do anything. We are usually "up in our heads", worrying about the future or stewing about the past. We are anywhere but in the present moment, paying attention to ourselves and our current experience.

We say that we love food more than anything else, but in reality, we're usually "not there" when eating. We might be driving the car & eating. We might be reading & eating. We might be watching tv & eating. The list goes on & on.

Why does it matter?

We can only truly, effectively pay attention to 1 thing at a time. There is a lot of brain research supporting this assertion. I know, I know. Multitasking is considered the only way to function in our society. Have you ever noticed how much stress, unhappiness & dissatisfaction there also is in our society? Perhaps if we were to slow down, take a deep breath & check in with ourselves every once in a while, life might appear differently to us.

Back to the food issue. If we were to slow down & make thoughtful food choices, we would be off to a good start. If we were then to slowly use our senses to enjoy the food that we choose, we would use our eyes to see the food, our nose to smell the aromas, our sense of touch & taste to be aware of the food in our mouth so that we could savor this food experience.

If you begin to mindfully (& kindly) observe your eating, you might notice that you grab your food, gulp it down & then want more because you don't feel satisfied.

Have you ever sat down with a bag of chips or cookies to watch tv & the first thing you know, your hand is touching the bottom of the now empty bag & you don't remember eating any of it because you weren't paying attention?

I was once advised to eat like a gourmet rather than a glutton. The comparison was made to a wine connessieur vs an alcoholic. The wine connessieur (hope that's spelled right) pours the wine slowly into the glass, holds the glass up to the light to look for clarity, sniffs the "bouquet", & takes one sip which is held in the mouth. An alcoholic grabs whatever is available & gulps it down & down until the desired effect occurs.

When you eat mindfully, you know you are eating. You are paying attention to your experience. Your brain is aware that you are eating. You notice that your body is becoming satisfied, so that you can stop when you have had enough.

Why not bring some mindfulness into your next meal - not to beat yourself up for not doing it right, but to notice where you might be able to create a better, more fulfilling experience?

Mindful Eating on a Cruise

It's good to be back home & to have the extra time now to blog.

The title of this post, Mindful Eating on a Cruise, might seem like an oxymoron. Since this was my first cruise, many friends told me that I needed to leave my mindful eating home. It's not possible with all of the wonderful food that's available.

Well, they were right in terms of all the wonderful food that was available. However, I'm very grateful that I remembered to pack my mindful eating, along with the anti-seasickness patches for behind my ears!

There seemed to be miles and miles of beautifully displayed food set out around the clock. There were so many choices ranging from totally decadent layers upon layer of fudge-caramel-mousse-torte whatevers to vegetarian dishes.

In my out of control eater days of yore, I imagine that I would have become overwhelmed with all of the choices. I would have wanted to load up on all of the things that I thought I shouldn't eat, because, after all, we paid for it, who knows when I'll ever have this chance to eat this stuff again, etc., etc.

In reality, I came home after a week on-board having lost a lb.!! I certainly wasn't dieting. Dieting is no longer a part of my life.

What I found was that having lots of food choices and lots of relaxed time to make those choices freed me to slow down, look at everything available & check in with my body to see what I was actually hungry for. My decisions weren't based on what looked the most forbidden or the healthiest, but what my body really wanted & needed at that particular point in time. It was fun.

Sometimes I would choose something, take a bite & know that it wasn't what I wanted & push it away. I was pleased that I was able to pay such good attention to what I was experiencing. It felt great!!

I never felt deprived because I ate all sorts of things. I had some wonderful praline cheesecake on 2 occasions. I had some vegetarian dishes that I had always wanted to try. I liked some & some didn't suit me at that particular moment.

Sid & I ran & walked 20 - 30 minutes on the running deck 4 days. We toured Puerto Rico, Tortola, St. Martins & Nassau, Bahamas. It was wonderful.

The most wonderful part was being there with Sid, my son, Doug, his wife, Carlene, & 3 of my 5 grandchildren, Alex, Julia, & Isabella. It's always fun being with them. Their presence was what filled me up with warm loving memories rather than food filling me up with self-loathing & fat.

My Next "Opportunity"

Today I am leaving to go on a 7 day Caribbean cruise with Sid & my son & his family. This is my first cruise. It's been interesting to note my clients' reactions to this.

"You're going to be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with all that FOOD!!"

"Just accept the fact that you're going to gain 10 lbs!!"

"There's no way any one can go on a cruise without stuffing themselves with all of that delicious food. There will be anything you could ever want."

"This is your vacation. Don't try to limit yourself. You'll ruin it"

All I know is that it will be lovely to be in a new setting (especially a warm one) with my family. This is an adventure and I will bring mindfulness to my experiences as often as possible.

Stay tuned.

I will honestly fill you in on how it goes after I return.

BON VOYAGE

New Year's Eve Opportunity

It's New Year's Eve. Every moment gives us a new opportunity. " A new opportunity for what?," you ask. And my answer is, "Precisely!"

What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?

And now, you have a new chance: What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?

New moments with their promise of new opportunities just keep coming, one after the other. Isn't that great? We don't have to do it perfectly right now because there will be a new moment, new opportunity.

As I write this, I remember how I used to procrastinate, thinking, "I'll make changes tomorrow," and those tomorrows continued to come and go with no new changes, just new promises.

How to resolve this dilemma?

Perhaps it would be useful to stop right now. Take a few deep, calming breaths and out of this place of calmness, let yourself think about The Woman (or Man) I Would Like to Be.......

Think in terms of how that person approaches life, dilemmas, relationships, nurturance, etc.........

And now, what one small change can you make right now to move in the direction of becoming that person?

Happy New Year and Happy New Moment (with its new opportunity)