Body Image

Last week I had lunch with my daughter, Jessica. It's always wonderful to have time together with her. We have much in common.

I began talking to her about how sad I think it is that so many females waste valuable moments, days, weeks, etc. of their lives feeling unacceptable because of the way that their bodies look. Their focus is on other women's bodies and a running comparison with their own bodies. If they feel like the loser in this comparison, they're miserable and then feel painful thoughts of inferiority. They avoid doing things and going places until they lose some weight. I told Jessica that I used to be like that and that I'm so grateful that is all behind me. Famous Last Words.

That very evening I attended my gentle yoga / meditation group with a group of women & 1 or 2 brave men. I have participated in this group for almost 2 years & really look forward to going there. I feel very close to everybody who attends as we have had many wonderful moments together.

As we come in, we each go to the cupboard to take out a yoga mat & several blankets. We arrange our little space in the circle with our wonderful leader at the head. She begins with an inspirational reading. I was sitting on my meditation cushion, eyes closed, taking in the meaning of the words she had read and just settling into the lovely inner peace that always slowly moves into my body, like a mist covering a lake after a rain. I smiled to myself knowing that I had a full hour and a half of gentle stretches done at my body's own rate and intensity, followed by meditation.

I became aware that someone had settled down on my left. I opened my left eye and saw that it was a female I had never seen before. I went back to my revery again. A couple of minutes later we stood up & I glanced over at her, to give her a smile of welcome. I noticed that she was much thinner and taller than I. I also noticed that awareness was followed by a tightening in my stomach (maybe I was pulling in my stomach, not sure) There are intermittant mirrors on the wall ahead of us. I couldn't see myself, but I could clearly see the "new girl" on the block, in all of her perfection. I noticed how muscular her arms were. I saw the firmness of her abdomen and thighs. I was beginning to not like this person at all. All of my serenity had burned off like the mist over the lake when the sun comes out. My breathing was irregular. In some of our stretches, we rotate to the right, followed by rotation to the left. I couldn't wait for the rights to change to the left so that I could be even more aware of how superior she was, how inadequate I was. We began to do a simple balance pose on 1 foot. I could not hold it for more than a millisecond. I realized that I was totally ungrounded. I had lost myself.

Suddenly I remembered my conversation with Jessica & felt a smile come to my face. Oops!! Look at how quickly I had become lost. I spent years of my life lost in this type of painful comparison, so even though I was lost, I was in, indeed, very familiar territory. Once I realized what was happening, I was able to detach from this unhealthy behavior. I began to focus on my breath which brought my awareness back inside my own body and being. It felt sooooooo good to come back home!

Now I was back in my new familiar territory of self-care, self-acceptance just as I am. Mmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh This was so much better. I felt safe, secure and serene. I settled down into total body (my body) awareness. My body needs this gentle movement and this acceptance. I spent the majority of my life searching for this wonderful way of being. I used food in my search. It helped keep me lost. Now I use food to support my newfound health.

My awareness of the new girl had moved to the background of my consciousness. It was always nice to have others present, but this time is my time for me to renew my body through gentle stretches and to renew my connection with my inner self.

Making Yourself More Important Than Food

When I was struggling with my weight for, lo, those many years, I lived in a food oriented world. I went from devouring one meal to immediately beginning to ponder,"What's next?" Now, normal people might answer that question with ideas about what activity they wanted to engage in next or what friend they wanted to call. Not me, that question was always about food - yes, my best friend food. It went everywhere I went in my head (not to mention on my hips and thighs) As I look back, it was all I cared about. What a Johnny-one-note I was. I was more shallow than a crepe (oops!)

When I had my son and daughter, they were the center of my world. However, I soon began cooking and baking up a storm to show them that I loved them. Ouch!! My heart aches to think that I taught them that food = love. I had no clue. That message had started in my childhood & I passed it on. I did it out of ignorance. When I cranked out home-baked bread, jams, pies, cookies, cakes, I truly thought I was being a great Mom. Of course I was my very best consumer of all of these treats. I would bake up a storm, eat my way through it, hate myself and then torment myself with the latest, greatest diet. We all know how that goes. I would take weight off until I started putting it all back on with a little extra for good measure.

I wondered why I was so weak-willed. More than that, I wondered why I could sometimes be fairly smart and then be totally stupid when it came to food.

When I started graduate school to become a counselor, I began to meditate to help me deal with the stress of studying and trying to raise my family. What I remember is that I actually could slow myself down. I could have some moments of reprieve from the incessant critic in my head. In those moments I was actually able to pay attention to whether I was hungry or not - amazing idea! In this relaxed state I could notice the food I was selecting. It became enjoyable to become mindful. I liked the way I felt. I wasn't out of control. I was tuned in to myself. I gradually became more and more comfortable making wise food choices. When I was doing this because I wanted to be mindful of what I was doing and then feeling the good feelings that accompanied that attitude, everything sort of fell into place. It was my idea to eat until I was satisfied and then stop. It wasn't the latest diet guru's idea. It was my very own idea and that made all the difference. I guess I have a strong rebellious streak in me. I guess? What? I know I do! But now all of me was on the same side for a change. I had a brand new interest in self care.

I realized that for the first time I could remember I was making myself more important than food. Suddenly I had time to make a life for myself.

What would it take for you to make yourself more important than food?

A Real Life Example of Integration

Good morning, Dear Reader. I woke up this AM with the thought that it would be a good idea to give you an example from my life of what I taught you about in last night's blog, so here goes:

Yesterday I had clients back-to-back for 5 hours without a break other than 5 min. between when I tried to check my phone messages, touch up my lipstick, drink some water or tea, run to the restroom, do a mini-meditation, etc. I realized that I had become over-hungry because I hadn't included food in my 5 min. breaks. Uh-oh!! I became aware of that slightly shaky, light-headed sensation that tells me that I have gone too long without food.

Up to this point I had been in the lovely flow of integration of being connected with my clients. Time had flown by. However, at this point I realized that I was at risk. I could feel myself moving into chaos. My mind was darting around telling me that I needed FOOD FAST NOW - LOTS OF FOOD!! I was aware of the tension of emptiness in my stomach, that I was gulping air. My mind is reminding me that my next client is in the waiting room, WAITING!

Welcome to CHAOS. I had been in the flow of integration a short time before, but now I was flailing around in emotional, mental & physiological (bodily) chaos!!

Suddenly I remembered that I had put a jar of dry roasted almonds into my desk drawer last week. I yanked my drawer open, pulled out the jar, got the lid off, intending to stuff as many almonds into my mouth as possible at once (ala hot dog eating contest on tv over the 4th of July weekend!) Suddenly I "woke up" to what was happening. I was in chaos. Part of me wanted ALMONDS - NOW - FAST - ALL OF THEM!! Another part of me was rigidly shaking its finger at me saying, "Shame on you, Cheryl. You know very well that there is a lot of fat in nuts. No nuts for you. Wait until after your next client & then you can have a free hour when you can go get a salad."

I allowed these 2 very different voices in my head - 1 that was chaotic, 1 that was rigid - to rest in my awareness. It became clear to me that there was a middle way between eating the entire jar of almonds OR eating none. I poured a handful out & slowly began to savor each one. I felt a tremendous relief. My body knew that food was on its way. My mind knew that I was settling down with this energy that was coming into my body. After 10 or so nuts, I was fine. I was calm and satisfied. I would be able to greet my next client and move into the wonderful space of connection between us.

I was back into the flow of the River of Integration. There was no remorse that usually follows choices made from a chaotic state. There was no discomfort that usually follows choices made from a state of rigidity.

I was once again present in my life. I was present for myself and present for my client so that we could work together to help her find any ways that integration would help her in her struggles.

I hope that this example is helpful.

Brain Fitness

I have to share some very exciting information with you. I am part way through a year long on-line webinar course with the man I consider my mentor. He is Dan Siegel, MD. I have read his books & listened to his teaching CDs for the past 10 yrs. I am highly recommending his books. My understanding of mindful eating has grown by leaps and bounds as a result of what I am learning.

This way of understanding our experience of life is called Interpersonal Neurobiology. I would like to share some of the exciting things I am learning.

Mindsight is what Dan calls the way that we can learn about the amazingly rich internal life that we all have. Many of us resist knowing about this part of ourselves. I believe that this is out of fear of the unknown. I have come to see that we can only tame that fear with awareness of what is. Gently getting to know ourselves in this incredibly intimate way is what many if not most of us have been "hungering for" all of our lives.

Most of us with eating issues tend to use All or Nothing thinking or this is also referred to as Black or White thinking. We are either on a diet OR we are eating out of control. We are either being Good OR being Bad when it comes to our eating. We are over-exercising to the point of shin splints & stress fractures OR unable to get up off of the sofa. It never even occurs to us that there is a middle way. In reality this Middle Way brings us harmony, comfort and well-being.

With mindsight we see that this middle way comes from what is called integration. Integration is the linking of 2 separate parts. This integration can be seen like a river that is flowing along. There are banks on either side of this river. One bank is chaos; the other bank is rigidity. When you boil all mental disorders down, each is an example of chaos, rigidity or both.

Bingeing and other out of control eating patterns are examples of chaos. Strict dieting is an example of rigidity. Either example can only be maintained for a limited time until we swing to the opposite side. In the flow of the River of Integration we are flexible, forgiving, creative, mindful and healthy. In the flow of that River of Integration we will find a way to lose weight and maintain our weight without struggle.

I intend to continue to blog about what I am learning. Please let me know what you think.

Who Am I?

I am a lover of love and peace. I have a cute fabric purse that has Peace and Love on it with the obligatory peace symbol. My clients tell me, "That purse is so you, Cheryl".

My husband, Sid, will frequently call me when we're home, "Okay, Cheryl, you've got 5 min. if you want to rescue this spider." I rush in from whatever I was doing, armed with a tissue, gently pick up the spider so that all 6 legs are intact, carry him to the door & wish him well on his new home outside. Now, if the truth were told, I would be perfectly okay with leaving spiders in the house, assigning a corner & appropriate name to each one. But, since I choose to live with Sid, that is not a viable option.

I am a tree hugger. (If you put your ear up to the deeply furrowed bark of a cottonwood or oak tree, and spread your arms as far as possible around the trunk, you will be amazed at what you hear and feel.)

I cry whenever any unfortunate creature is hurt on tv or in a movie.

I recoil from any signs of aggression or violence. I believe that we should do our best to live and let live.

On a trip to Virginia a few yrs ago with Sid we came upon a lovely pine tree with a thick vine that had a strangle hold on it. It was wrapped over, under and all around the poor tree. Sid & I spent almost an hr. unraveling the vine, saving the pine tree.

I tromp through the snow on my deck to fill the bird feeder so that my feathered friends will have full tummies.

I rescue worms who have been washed out of the soil in a hard downpour & are stranded on now dry sidewalk. I pick them up & carry them over to the grass so that they can once burrow into the ground.

HOWEVER, yesterday, as I was walking past my glorious roses that are enthusiastically growing outside my office window, I spotted an enemy! There to my disbelieving eyes were Japanese beetles, at least 10 deep chowing down on my once beautiful roses. The leaves are now totally riddled with holes. I ran back into my office, cranked up my computer & googled "how to destroy Japanese beetles". Armed with a plan, I then found a tall coffee cup, filled it with hot water & liquid hand soap from the ladies' room, tore out the door into the 98 degree heat, feeling like a soldier in Iraq, & began knocking, grabbing, dunking beetles by the handful into the coffee cup. When it was full, I proudly strode into my office which is next to Sid's office. I asked him if he wanted to see what I had caught in my coffee cup. He wisely said, "Not really", then curiosity got the better of him & he peered into the vessel. There he saw a crawling pile of drowning Japanese beetles. A look of horror came over his face. "Who are you?", he said with dismay. "They look like they're suffering & in agony." "So?", I replied.

Slowly I began to feel a little remorse. What have I done? They're only trying to make a living the only way Japanese beetles know how. I took the now quiet pile of irridescent corpses out to bury them in the soil not too far from the roses.

As I stood up, I spotted another pile of Japanese beetles munching away on a formerly glorious rose. Before I knew it, I was tearing back into the ladies' room to get more hot soapy water.

I guess we all have parts of ourselves that don't seem to match who we like to think we are. I have decided to accept all of these parts of me. How about you?

Back Home Again

Well, here I am sitting at my computer in my office. We returned from Sedona Tues. evening. What a glorious trip. It's hard for my brain to get it that I'm back here again when I have flashes of beautiful red rock mountains flashing through my head.

But here I am. I look out of my office window & I see a riot of color from the rose bushes that continue to produce tons of bright magenta roses & the hyacinth bushes that are loaded down with a profusion of blue & pink balls of petals. There are bushes with stacks of pink flowers that I haven't identified yet, along with hostas in purple bloom. It's so much more spectacular that I even dreamed when I signed the lease for this space last Fall.

I have had 2 days of sitting with clients back to back, every hour, from 10 to 9 and it has been so fulfilling - every single hour. I truly love, love, love what I do. It is such a pleasure and honor to sit with my clients and feel that I am a part of their lives. I wouldn't trade it for anything else that I can think of. Why do I love it so much? Hmmmmmmm....I believe it's because I believe that people are capable of change. We now know that the brain is "plastic" in that it is capable of change at any age. One of the main things that is necessary for change is attention. I have learned how important it is to be aware of where we place our attention. Do we really want to focus on all that is wrong with us, our children, our spouse, our neighbors, our world? Or would we be better off noticing what is wonderful in this one life we have to live? Which is going to uplift us? Which is going to make us want to do even better than we did the day before?

I want to listen with compassion and empathy to my clients' pain. I want them to know that someone hears and cares.

I want to offer my clients the gift of hope - hope in themselves and in their ability to change their lives in positive ways.

It's so great to see the "lightbulbs" turn on over my clients' heads when they suddenly have a new insight. It's reassuring to see over and over again that when we finally understand that very little in life is under our control other than the way we choose to behave, everything does, indeed, turn out ok. Often it doesn't turn out the way that we think it should, but when we are able to see the big picture, we see that it's ok.

It's wonderful to teach a client how to meditate, how to slow down & eat mindfully, and, ultimately to see that food is not really their problem. Each person comes to see that food has been a symbol of what they are really hungering for in life. After this realization, food is no longer their enemy or their best friend.

It all seems so meaningful to me. It's a pleasure to be a part of this beautiful process of change.

Family trips to Sedona are wonderful. Coming back to my beautiful office and inspiring clients who work so hard is wonderful. IT'S ALL GOOD!!

Greetings from Sedona

As I write this,I am able to look out the window to see the most amazing red rock formations believable. This is my 3rd visit to Sedona & there is a reason for that. The peace, natural beauty and awesome energy fill me when I'm here - especially when I'm present to them. As usual, it's still easy to find that I've slipped into my thoughts about other places and times. I can even remove myself from the experience of being present in the moment by remembering former Sedona trips & then making comparisons &/or judgments such as 2 years ago, I remember that the sunsets were a little more colorful, or this room is even greater than the one we had 4 yrs. ago. I also have caught myself going out of the present moment to make comparisons within this trip such as yesterday it was sunnier & warmer & I liked that better than today. You see, I only have this moment right now, right here. It's the only time that I'm truly alive.....and now this moment.....and now this moment. When I'm aware of my experience, perhaps, feeling the cushion under my bottom, the one behind my back, the feel of the floor holding my feet up, the plinkety-plink of my netbook keys as I push them, and once again, glance out the window at the spectacular view, I am truly here. I can feel the joy of being alive. I can feel gratitude for being here on vacation with those I love. Life takes on a vibrance when we are in the moment.

Now, I have to say that there is a Sedona vibrance that is hard to beat. But, there is a vibrance that is available no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing.

I am here with a cast of thousands, or so it seems at times. Sid is next to me at our table, and we drove out here with my son, Doug, daughter-in-law, Carlene, grandchildren, Alex, Julia & Isabella & my 86 yr. old Mom. With small children, there are many opportunities for me to forget to be present. However, every time I "wake up" and remember, I take a nice, slow breath & look deeply into their beautiful eyes and everything & everybody calms down. All it takes is one person to regain her footing, and everything changes. Really! Try it!

Time to go on our hike of the day. I will do my best to be present & soak in every last drop of the experience.