Dealing with Loss

Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, we went to Branson, MO with my son, daughter-in-law & 3 of our grandchildren for the long weekend. Their little pomeranian dog, Honey, began to be sick. To make a long, sad story short, she died this morning as they drove her to the only vet they could find that was open, 45 mis. away. I broke the news to our little 5 yr. old granddaughter, who had spent the night in our hotel room with us. Her little body shook with sobs & weeping. I held her & comforted her & my husband & I spent a couple of hours talking with each of our grandchildren about how hard it is to lose someone we love so much. We told them about what it was like when our childhood dogs died, etc. We all grieved together. When it was time to leave, my husband & I got into our car for our 4 hr. drive home. I was overcome by cravings for comfort food. I wanted mashed potatoes, a hot fudge sundae or 2 or 3, meatloaf like my Mom used to make, etc., etc. The cravings were strong. It's amazing how powerful they were & how they kept making u-turns & coming back into my awareness over & over again.

Luckily I was able to see them for what they were. My mindfulness training allowed me to understand that my mind was doing it's "best" to distract me from the pain that I was feeling about Honey's death. It wanted to carry me away on a magic carpet ride to the land of comfort food, full tummies, etc. where everything is fine & feelings of loss don't exist. My cravings were so strong that I could actually taste the food that was "calling" to me. I could imagine what it would feel like to have that nice, full feeling in my stomach. There were all sorts of seductive thoughts that danced their way through my head such as, "Oh, it's ok just this once. After all you deserve it for taking such good care of the grandchildren." "Or, it's such a long ride home & you'll feel much better with a full stomach."

It's not that I don't allow myself to eat or anything like that. It's that when I checked in with my body (as opposed to my chattering mind), I was not actually hungry. If I had been hungry, maybe I would have decided to have meatloaf & mashed potatoes. However, when I had the cravings, I was not hungry for food. I sat with the feelings & realized that what I really wanted was some empathy from me to me for all of the feelings of sadness & loss that had been stirred up by the day's events. I allowed myself to just sit mindfully with the feelings that were there inside me rather than pushing them away & shoving them down with food. I also talked to my husband about what I was feeling & found that he felt much the same. A couple of hours later we stopped at Panera Bread Co. & got a couple of sandwiches to eat in the car. I realized that I was only hungry for part of mine & saved the rest for later.

There will always be feelings of loss & sadness. That's a part of life. But I've found that I can "invite those feelings in for a cup of tea" rather than run from them. It allows me to live a full life without fearing my feelings. It also opens me to enjoying all of the textures of life. I can still feel my granddaughter's sobs ebb as I comforted her. She would settle down & then she would remember Honey & the pain would come back & we would face it together with love & once again it would pass. Can I protect her from pain? No. Even though there is a part of me that doesn't want anyone that I love to ever have to feel pain, I know that that isn't possible &, besides, pain does not kill us, especially when we learn how to not resist it. It's the resistance that causes us problems. A full, rich, rewarding life includes all feelings. We just need to remember to "invite them in for a cup of tea".

mindful eating on Thanksgiving, 2009

It's Thanksgiving, 2009. My clients tell me that "Thanksgiving is all about the FOOD"! I ask them, "Is that true? If so, is that what you would really like it to be all about?"
So here I am at 3:35pm on Thanksgiving & so far my day has been pretty much all about the food. But it's been about the preparation of the food. My husband, my Mom & I will be joining my son, daughter-in-law, my 5 grandchildren, my daughter, my son-in-law & other in-laws at my son's home for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Actually it has new traditions for me. Before I learned to be a mindful eater, I would be eating my way through my baking & cooking all day long. I would show up as stuffed as any turkey! The worst part would be all of the hateful feelings that I would feel toward myself. Once again I would have let myself down food-wise & eaten everything in sight. At the official feast, I would continue to eat & eat, putting my attention onto the food & away from all the family members who had gathered together. I was too ashamed of myself & just wanted to have a relationship with my food.
Since developing a mindful relationship to food & to my life, in general, I have new traditions. I mindfully washed the cranberries & apples for the cranapple sauce I always make. I really soaked in the spectacularly brilliant red spheres of the cranberries. After the sauce was made, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it - again, it was the color that was drawing me. I couldn't help but think of all the healthy phytochemicals I was taking for my family to enjoy. I was totally present for the process of peeling & peeling & peeling all of the apples for my pies. I'm a pro at not breaking a "string" of apple skin once I start peeling an apple, so it was fun to see that I haven't lost my touch this year. (Shows how often I peel apples, huh?) It was challenging to shape the pie dough into a lattice-work crust, but I did it & I assume all of my "mistakes" will be eaten, anyway. As I prepare to leave, I am setting an intention to be present with all of the people that I will soon be joining that I love. I want to embody the love that I feel for them rather than be distracted by food or anything else. I want to express thankfulness. I want to really see the food, smell the food, & make wise choices so that I can really savor it & be a food gourmet rather than a glutton! In this way I am embodying what I teach my clients about mindful eating. I want my life to be delicious!