It's New Year's Eve. Every moment gives us a new opportunity. " A new opportunity for what?," you ask. And my answer is, "Precisely!"
What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
And now, you have a new chance: What would you like THIS moment of your life to be a new opportunity for?
New moments with their promise of new opportunities just keep coming, one after the other. Isn't that great? We don't have to do it perfectly right now because there will be a new moment, new opportunity.
As I write this, I remember how I used to procrastinate, thinking, "I'll make changes tomorrow," and those tomorrows continued to come and go with no new changes, just new promises.
How to resolve this dilemma?
Perhaps it would be useful to stop right now. Take a few deep, calming breaths and out of this place of calmness, let yourself think about The Woman (or Man) I Would Like to Be.......
Think in terms of how that person approaches life, dilemmas, relationships, nurturance, etc.........
And now, what one small change can you make right now to move in the direction of becoming that person?
Happy New Year and Happy New Moment (with its new opportunity)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Amazing Power of Mindlessness
When I turned on my computer the other day, there was a article that "caught my attention" because it was about food (of course). It had a picture of a big, juicy cheeseburger that really reeled me in. It was one of those "Choose this, not that" articles about cheeseburger choices at various fast food places. In some sort of hypnotic state, I merrily clicked my way through the choices, admiring each of the accompanying photos. Then I began plotting, thinking about my schedule & trying to figure out how to get to the nearest fast food joint to get what looked best to me.
What looked best to me, you might wonder? I wanted the "not that" choices - the ones that had 42 grams of fat & 1200 calories!! There was this thrill of urgency, of excitement of "Oh, boy!"
And then I woke up! My mindfulness kicked in.
Do you know what was the most amazing part of this for me? I don't even like cheeseburgers!! I don't remember the last time I had one on purpose (although it probably was when somebody made one & I ate it because I needed to put what I perceived as their need before mine - & yes, Dear Reader, I will devote an article to that subject, I promise)
I learned years ago that cheeseburgers give me tremendous indigestion & heartburn. I feel crummy after I eat one.
So what on earth was going on here? Was I delusional?
In fact, I mindlessly got carried away by old habitual patterns. I used to love high fat, high calorie foods, in part, because I never paid sufficient attention to myself or to my body to notice the effect of these foods, other than the resultant fat that accumulated on my body. I had reverted to old ways of thinking. I had been carried away by the fantasy of the "fun" factor that I perceived in the pictures.
So what happened when I say that "I woke up?" That's when I became mindful of my experience. I became aware of the present moment where I was sitting in front of my computer screen with my mouth watering.
It was as if I had awoken from a dream. Now I once again had my wits about me & became curious about what was really going on.
Sometimes when something like this happens it's just because I'm tired & fall back into old ways of thinking.
Other times it's a signal to me that I need a break from what I'm doing - even a 5 min. walk can make a big difference.
Other times it's because I'm hungry & I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals.
Or perhaps I need a little more fun in my day.
Maybe I need to make a connection with a friend.
It always boils down to needing to slow down, take a couple of nice, deep breaths & bring my attention back to me. I need to get to a centered place where I can calmly reflect on what I really need.
So, you might be able to see, that my mindless eating patterns of my past were attempts by me to get my own attention. Back then I knew I wanted something, so I gave myself food - lots & lots of food.
But it never seemed to be enough. It never would be enough because food was not was I was starved for. I was hungering for a deep, nurturing relationship with myself.
You will see that this is an ongoing theme for me & for many others who have become mindful eaters: What do you really want?
Even though your thinking might be screaming, "Food!" "Food!", keep asking yourself,
"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED?"
What looked best to me, you might wonder? I wanted the "not that" choices - the ones that had 42 grams of fat & 1200 calories!! There was this thrill of urgency, of excitement of "Oh, boy!"
And then I woke up! My mindfulness kicked in.
Do you know what was the most amazing part of this for me? I don't even like cheeseburgers!! I don't remember the last time I had one on purpose (although it probably was when somebody made one & I ate it because I needed to put what I perceived as their need before mine - & yes, Dear Reader, I will devote an article to that subject, I promise)
I learned years ago that cheeseburgers give me tremendous indigestion & heartburn. I feel crummy after I eat one.
So what on earth was going on here? Was I delusional?
In fact, I mindlessly got carried away by old habitual patterns. I used to love high fat, high calorie foods, in part, because I never paid sufficient attention to myself or to my body to notice the effect of these foods, other than the resultant fat that accumulated on my body. I had reverted to old ways of thinking. I had been carried away by the fantasy of the "fun" factor that I perceived in the pictures.
So what happened when I say that "I woke up?" That's when I became mindful of my experience. I became aware of the present moment where I was sitting in front of my computer screen with my mouth watering.
It was as if I had awoken from a dream. Now I once again had my wits about me & became curious about what was really going on.
Sometimes when something like this happens it's just because I'm tired & fall back into old ways of thinking.
Other times it's a signal to me that I need a break from what I'm doing - even a 5 min. walk can make a big difference.
Other times it's because I'm hungry & I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals.
Or perhaps I need a little more fun in my day.
Maybe I need to make a connection with a friend.
It always boils down to needing to slow down, take a couple of nice, deep breaths & bring my attention back to me. I need to get to a centered place where I can calmly reflect on what I really need.
So, you might be able to see, that my mindless eating patterns of my past were attempts by me to get my own attention. Back then I knew I wanted something, so I gave myself food - lots & lots of food.
But it never seemed to be enough. It never would be enough because food was not was I was starved for. I was hungering for a deep, nurturing relationship with myself.
You will see that this is an ongoing theme for me & for many others who have become mindful eaters: What do you really want?
Even though your thinking might be screaming, "Food!" "Food!", keep asking yourself,
"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT AND NEED?"
Friday, December 18, 2009
Listening with the Heart
On Wed. I received a desperate call from an insurance co. in Chicago that I do business with, requesting me to go on-site into a local corporation to conduct a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, which in this particular case means grief counseling for a workplace suicide that had been discovered Wed. afternoon. A young woman had killed herself & the co. wanted me to help the co-workers deal with whatever feelings came up Thurs. am right after the co-workers would learn about this tragedy. I said, "Yes" without hesitation for this 4 1/2 hr. assignment. Fortunately,it fit in with my private practice schedule.
I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.
Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.
Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."
Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.
I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."
So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."
Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.
Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."
I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.
I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.
When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."
I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.
I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.
Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.
Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."
Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.
I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."
So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."
Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.
Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."
I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.
I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.
When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."
I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
With visions of ................dancing through my head
Well, I found out why my head has been so clogged. I have a double ear infection & a sinus infection. I'm on meds now so relief is on the way. I've been really tired as I battle these infections, so I thought I'd take a nap just now since I have a free hr. between 9 clients today. I put my head down & suddenly I saw visions of this blog dancing through my head. Try as I might, they would not go away, so here I am.
I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.
A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.
It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.
Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.
I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.
Food is just food! Oh, no!
There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!
I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.
A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.
It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.
Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.
I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.
Food is just food! Oh, no!
There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Party in My Mouth
First some whining: I still am totally clogged up from the cold I got a week ago AND I still can't taste anything, let alone breathe without bursting into spasms of subterranean coughing & hacking, can't hear much of anything except my own coughing & wheezing, etc. Aaahhhh. That feels better. I needed that.
Now, let's get back to a relevant point: I haven't been able to taste anything for about a week. This has given me an excellent opportunity to contemplate the purpose of taste in my life, both pre- & post- mindfulness.
Pre-mf, I can remember becoming hugely anxious when I lost my sense of taste due to a cold. I would blow my nose incessantly, hoping to unclog the taste pipeline. I would press the food against the roof of my mouth with my tongue, thinking that that might squeeze out a zing of some sort of flavor. I would become somewhat (well, maybe a lot) obsessed about continuing to try different foods, thinking, "This time I'll get a taste". Other people lose weight when they lose their sense of taste. Not me. I would gain weight because I refused to ACCEPT what was going on. My body was working it's way through a cold & part of that process included loss of taste. It was as though I couldn't live without the entertainment of the taste of food in my mouth. Without the taste, I felt that there was nothing.
Post-mf, I'm aware that I feel disappointment in the morning when I have my first bite of food that there still is no taste due to my cold. That feeling passes & then I move on to experiencing eating without taste. Last night my husband, Sid, & I went to Uno's where I ordered a roasted veggie wrap. In the past I have really enjoyed the blend of flavors. Last night I became aware of the assortment of bright colors of the veggies - the brilliant reds of the roasted red peppers & tomatoes, the varying shades of green of the green peppers & zucchini, the purple of the onions & the yellow of the squash & cabbage. It was a frigid evening here in St. Louis, MO. Everything is gray & brown outside. It was delightful to see the colors of these veggies which had obviously grown elsewhere in the warm sunlight where they matured to the point of being harvested. What a blessing to have access to such healthy food. I then became aware of the potential for healing that these veggies offered my body which was busy trying its best to get me back to normal. I was grateful that I had made this food choice. I paid careful attention to the texture of the food in my mouth.
It seems to me now, that, if I look for it, there is always something of value to focus on. I guess in the past, I made up my mind ahead of time about "how things are supposed to be". (eg., You are supposed to be able to taste food, no matter what) I would then go about trying to force things into my narrow requirements.
The older I get, the more life I experience, the more I work with clients to help them live the best lives they can live, the more it becomes clear to me that ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT IS RIGHT NOW is really important. That doesn't mean resignation & giving up. It means that we always have the "opportunity" to make the best of whatever is right now in this very moment.
As my Dad, Les Kelchner, was dying, he told me, "Cheryl, one thing you need to remember & tell your clients is:
ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN LIFE
YOU MIGHT NOT SEE IT AT FIRST,
BUT, IF YOU LOOK,
IT WILL BE THERE"
So, even though I no longer have, nor want, the wild & wooly parties in my mouth of my earlier life with their high fat, high sugar, high calorie content, I, now, see & enjoy the abundant richness that comes my way when I pay mindful attention to the food choices I make.
Now, let's get back to a relevant point: I haven't been able to taste anything for about a week. This has given me an excellent opportunity to contemplate the purpose of taste in my life, both pre- & post- mindfulness.
Pre-mf, I can remember becoming hugely anxious when I lost my sense of taste due to a cold. I would blow my nose incessantly, hoping to unclog the taste pipeline. I would press the food against the roof of my mouth with my tongue, thinking that that might squeeze out a zing of some sort of flavor. I would become somewhat (well, maybe a lot) obsessed about continuing to try different foods, thinking, "This time I'll get a taste". Other people lose weight when they lose their sense of taste. Not me. I would gain weight because I refused to ACCEPT what was going on. My body was working it's way through a cold & part of that process included loss of taste. It was as though I couldn't live without the entertainment of the taste of food in my mouth. Without the taste, I felt that there was nothing.
Post-mf, I'm aware that I feel disappointment in the morning when I have my first bite of food that there still is no taste due to my cold. That feeling passes & then I move on to experiencing eating without taste. Last night my husband, Sid, & I went to Uno's where I ordered a roasted veggie wrap. In the past I have really enjoyed the blend of flavors. Last night I became aware of the assortment of bright colors of the veggies - the brilliant reds of the roasted red peppers & tomatoes, the varying shades of green of the green peppers & zucchini, the purple of the onions & the yellow of the squash & cabbage. It was a frigid evening here in St. Louis, MO. Everything is gray & brown outside. It was delightful to see the colors of these veggies which had obviously grown elsewhere in the warm sunlight where they matured to the point of being harvested. What a blessing to have access to such healthy food. I then became aware of the potential for healing that these veggies offered my body which was busy trying its best to get me back to normal. I was grateful that I had made this food choice. I paid careful attention to the texture of the food in my mouth.
It seems to me now, that, if I look for it, there is always something of value to focus on. I guess in the past, I made up my mind ahead of time about "how things are supposed to be". (eg., You are supposed to be able to taste food, no matter what) I would then go about trying to force things into my narrow requirements.
The older I get, the more life I experience, the more I work with clients to help them live the best lives they can live, the more it becomes clear to me that ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT IS RIGHT NOW is really important. That doesn't mean resignation & giving up. It means that we always have the "opportunity" to make the best of whatever is right now in this very moment.
As my Dad, Les Kelchner, was dying, he told me, "Cheryl, one thing you need to remember & tell your clients is:
ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN LIFE
YOU MIGHT NOT SEE IT AT FIRST,
BUT, IF YOU LOOK,
IT WILL BE THERE"
So, even though I no longer have, nor want, the wild & wooly parties in my mouth of my earlier life with their high fat, high sugar, high calorie content, I, now, see & enjoy the abundant richness that comes my way when I pay mindful attention to the food choices I make.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
What the heck is mindfulness & why should you care?
It dawned on me that I haven't really written about mindfulness & why I think it's so great, so, here goes:
Mindfulness is paying attention to our experience in the present moment with curiosity and openness. For me, it's a totally different way of living my life.
What does mindfulness do for me? It allows me to be close to myself, noticing what is happening inside me from moment to moment. It allows me to make choices that are in my best interest. When I'm mindless, I'm tossed about by my thoughts & feelings. I'm lost in the midst of my life. One thought after another takes me over & I take them seriously.
What is mindful eating? It's developing a brand new relationship to food.
It's noticing any habitual urges, craving thoughts that automatically pop into my head when I see some sort of trigger food (which used to be high fat, high sugar foods for me), seeing them as what they are: only thoughts &/or sensations. I DO NOT need to mindlessly do whatever they tell me to do. This is my life. I am now in on the process of deciding what I really want when food is calling to me. Often, for me, I need some form of self-care. I need to ask myself, "What's up? What do I need right now?" I might be tired & need to take a short nap, if possible. I might need to get up & move, get some fresh air. I might need to go for an invigorating walk. I might need to call a friend. Being mindful of that "siren call" of food gives me valuable info that I need to slow down, & check in with myself. It feels so much better than any dessert ever has or ever will.
What are you really hungry for?
Mindfulness is paying attention to our experience in the present moment with curiosity and openness. For me, it's a totally different way of living my life.
What does mindfulness do for me? It allows me to be close to myself, noticing what is happening inside me from moment to moment. It allows me to make choices that are in my best interest. When I'm mindless, I'm tossed about by my thoughts & feelings. I'm lost in the midst of my life. One thought after another takes me over & I take them seriously.
What is mindful eating? It's developing a brand new relationship to food.
It's noticing any habitual urges, craving thoughts that automatically pop into my head when I see some sort of trigger food (which used to be high fat, high sugar foods for me), seeing them as what they are: only thoughts &/or sensations. I DO NOT need to mindlessly do whatever they tell me to do. This is my life. I am now in on the process of deciding what I really want when food is calling to me. Often, for me, I need some form of self-care. I need to ask myself, "What's up? What do I need right now?" I might be tired & need to take a short nap, if possible. I might need to get up & move, get some fresh air. I might need to go for an invigorating walk. I might need to call a friend. Being mindful of that "siren call" of food gives me valuable info that I need to slow down, & check in with myself. It feels so much better than any dessert ever has or ever will.
What are you really hungry for?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Feeling Crummy
Yesterday & today I have been developing a cold. What I have noticed is that when I don't feel well, the old habitual compulsive food thoughts really ramp up. I have heard "Go on downstairs to the refrigerator & check to see if there's any ice cream left," countless times. When that thought pops into my head, there's a little spark of energy: "Oh, boy! Ice cream!" Then reality sets in. Ice cream (amazingly) is not what I want or need right now. I have a hacking cough that would only be aggravated by a creamy dairy product & I can't really taste anything, anyway. But it's fascinating to see how that initial thought grabs my attention & the exciting energy that accompanies it is almost enough to pop me up out of my chair & head me to the kitchen.
Once again I'm amazed at the power of these food thoughts - especially given how today ice cream would just make me feel worse health-wise as well as emotionally. What I suspect as I ponder this is that today I basically feel crummy & I want some attention. I want me to pay attention to me in a nurturing way. In my life nurturance has gotten tangled up with food (especially creamy ice cream), so if I have any physical or emotional need, I automatically have turned to ice cream to "make it all better". In reality, of course, it ends up making it all worse, but I never would remember that in time to head it off. Through the development of mindfulness in my life, I am "tuned in" to what that automatic voice in my head is up to & am able to figure out what I really need.
In this case, I think what I really need is to get off the computer & go back to bed for a little nap.
Once again I'm amazed at the power of these food thoughts - especially given how today ice cream would just make me feel worse health-wise as well as emotionally. What I suspect as I ponder this is that today I basically feel crummy & I want some attention. I want me to pay attention to me in a nurturing way. In my life nurturance has gotten tangled up with food (especially creamy ice cream), so if I have any physical or emotional need, I automatically have turned to ice cream to "make it all better". In reality, of course, it ends up making it all worse, but I never would remember that in time to head it off. Through the development of mindfulness in my life, I am "tuned in" to what that automatic voice in my head is up to & am able to figure out what I really need.
In this case, I think what I really need is to get off the computer & go back to bed for a little nap.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
What am I doing?
How can I get so lost so quickly? Why is mindfulness so difficult? Aren't things supposed to get easier with practice? How can I expect my clients to do this when I am so imperfect at it? Aren't I supposed to be a model for mindfulness? Why am I so human? Is that it? Is that the real point - that I have some sort of desire to overcome my imperfections as a person & become perfect?
This morning I took my breakfast out onto the deck, even though it was in the 40's. I was wrapped up in my heavy robe & wanted to soak in some sunshine while I mindfully ate. Great plan. The next thing I knew, my spoon was scraping the bottom of my bowl! What happened? Where was I? I missed my meal. My body was there, but my mind had carried me away to some worrisome place. I missed the sumptuous feel of the yogurt against my tongue, the interplay of flavors from the toppings I had chosen. It was gone down my throat by the time I woke up. As usual, I began to beat myself up. "When am I ever going to get this right?" But then I thought, it's not about right or wrong. It's about being with what is. My mind carried me away. Guess what? I will have plenty more chances to be present to my experience. It's all ok. Kindness & compassion towards myself do not come easily. This has been a very challenging part of my mindfulness practice. I can forgive anybody else just about anything, but not so much for me. Today will bring more opportunities. It always does.
This morning I took my breakfast out onto the deck, even though it was in the 40's. I was wrapped up in my heavy robe & wanted to soak in some sunshine while I mindfully ate. Great plan. The next thing I knew, my spoon was scraping the bottom of my bowl! What happened? Where was I? I missed my meal. My body was there, but my mind had carried me away to some worrisome place. I missed the sumptuous feel of the yogurt against my tongue, the interplay of flavors from the toppings I had chosen. It was gone down my throat by the time I woke up. As usual, I began to beat myself up. "When am I ever going to get this right?" But then I thought, it's not about right or wrong. It's about being with what is. My mind carried me away. Guess what? I will have plenty more chances to be present to my experience. It's all ok. Kindness & compassion towards myself do not come easily. This has been a very challenging part of my mindfulness practice. I can forgive anybody else just about anything, but not so much for me. Today will bring more opportunities. It always does.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Dealing with Loss
Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, we went to Branson, MO with my son, daughter-in-law & 3 of our grandchildren for the long weekend. Their little pomeranian dog, Honey, began to be sick. To make a long, sad story short, she died this morning as they drove her to the only vet they could find that was open, 45 mis. away. I broke the news to our little 5 yr. old granddaughter, who had spent the night in our hotel room with us. Her little body shook with sobs & weeping. I held her & comforted her & my husband & I spent a couple of hours talking with each of our grandchildren about how hard it is to lose someone we love so much. We told them about what it was like when our childhood dogs died, etc. We all grieved together. When it was time to leave, my husband & I got into our car for our 4 hr. drive home. I was overcome by cravings for comfort food. I wanted mashed potatoes, a hot fudge sundae or 2 or 3, meatloaf like my Mom used to make, etc., etc. The cravings were strong. It's amazing how powerful they were & how they kept making u-turns & coming back into my awareness over & over again.
Luckily I was able to see them for what they were. My mindfulness training allowed me to understand that my mind was doing it's "best" to distract me from the pain that I was feeling about Honey's death. It wanted to carry me away on a magic carpet ride to the land of comfort food, full tummies, etc. where everything is fine & feelings of loss don't exist. My cravings were so strong that I could actually taste the food that was "calling" to me. I could imagine what it would feel like to have that nice, full feeling in my stomach. There were all sorts of seductive thoughts that danced their way through my head such as, "Oh, it's ok just this once. After all you deserve it for taking such good care of the grandchildren." "Or, it's such a long ride home & you'll feel much better with a full stomach."
It's not that I don't allow myself to eat or anything like that. It's that when I checked in with my body (as opposed to my chattering mind), I was not actually hungry. If I had been hungry, maybe I would have decided to have meatloaf & mashed potatoes. However, when I had the cravings, I was not hungry for food. I sat with the feelings & realized that what I really wanted was some empathy from me to me for all of the feelings of sadness & loss that had been stirred up by the day's events. I allowed myself to just sit mindfully with the feelings that were there inside me rather than pushing them away & shoving them down with food. I also talked to my husband about what I was feeling & found that he felt much the same. A couple of hours later we stopped at Panera Bread Co. & got a couple of sandwiches to eat in the car. I realized that I was only hungry for part of mine & saved the rest for later.
There will always be feelings of loss & sadness. That's a part of life. But I've found that I can "invite those feelings in for a cup of tea" rather than run from them. It allows me to live a full life without fearing my feelings. It also opens me to enjoying all of the textures of life. I can still feel my granddaughter's sobs ebb as I comforted her. She would settle down & then she would remember Honey & the pain would come back & we would face it together with love & once again it would pass. Can I protect her from pain? No. Even though there is a part of me that doesn't want anyone that I love to ever have to feel pain, I know that that isn't possible &, besides, pain does not kill us, especially when we learn how to not resist it. It's the resistance that causes us problems. A full, rich, rewarding life includes all feelings. We just need to remember to "invite them in for a cup of tea".
Luckily I was able to see them for what they were. My mindfulness training allowed me to understand that my mind was doing it's "best" to distract me from the pain that I was feeling about Honey's death. It wanted to carry me away on a magic carpet ride to the land of comfort food, full tummies, etc. where everything is fine & feelings of loss don't exist. My cravings were so strong that I could actually taste the food that was "calling" to me. I could imagine what it would feel like to have that nice, full feeling in my stomach. There were all sorts of seductive thoughts that danced their way through my head such as, "Oh, it's ok just this once. After all you deserve it for taking such good care of the grandchildren." "Or, it's such a long ride home & you'll feel much better with a full stomach."
It's not that I don't allow myself to eat or anything like that. It's that when I checked in with my body (as opposed to my chattering mind), I was not actually hungry. If I had been hungry, maybe I would have decided to have meatloaf & mashed potatoes. However, when I had the cravings, I was not hungry for food. I sat with the feelings & realized that what I really wanted was some empathy from me to me for all of the feelings of sadness & loss that had been stirred up by the day's events. I allowed myself to just sit mindfully with the feelings that were there inside me rather than pushing them away & shoving them down with food. I also talked to my husband about what I was feeling & found that he felt much the same. A couple of hours later we stopped at Panera Bread Co. & got a couple of sandwiches to eat in the car. I realized that I was only hungry for part of mine & saved the rest for later.
There will always be feelings of loss & sadness. That's a part of life. But I've found that I can "invite those feelings in for a cup of tea" rather than run from them. It allows me to live a full life without fearing my feelings. It also opens me to enjoying all of the textures of life. I can still feel my granddaughter's sobs ebb as I comforted her. She would settle down & then she would remember Honey & the pain would come back & we would face it together with love & once again it would pass. Can I protect her from pain? No. Even though there is a part of me that doesn't want anyone that I love to ever have to feel pain, I know that that isn't possible &, besides, pain does not kill us, especially when we learn how to not resist it. It's the resistance that causes us problems. A full, rich, rewarding life includes all feelings. We just need to remember to "invite them in for a cup of tea".
Thursday, November 26, 2009
mindful eating on Thanksgiving, 2009
It's Thanksgiving, 2009. My clients tell me that "Thanksgiving is all about the FOOD"! I ask them, "Is that true? If so, is that what you would really like it to be all about?"
So here I am at 3:35pm on Thanksgiving & so far my day has been pretty much all about the food. But it's been about the preparation of the food. My husband, my Mom & I will be joining my son, daughter-in-law, my 5 grandchildren, my daughter, my son-in-law & other in-laws at my son's home for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Actually it has new traditions for me. Before I learned to be a mindful eater, I would be eating my way through my baking & cooking all day long. I would show up as stuffed as any turkey! The worst part would be all of the hateful feelings that I would feel toward myself. Once again I would have let myself down food-wise & eaten everything in sight. At the official feast, I would continue to eat & eat, putting my attention onto the food & away from all the family members who had gathered together. I was too ashamed of myself & just wanted to have a relationship with my food.
Since developing a mindful relationship to food & to my life, in general, I have new traditions. I mindfully washed the cranberries & apples for the cranapple sauce I always make. I really soaked in the spectacularly brilliant red spheres of the cranberries. After the sauce was made, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it - again, it was the color that was drawing me. I couldn't help but think of all the healthy phytochemicals I was taking for my family to enjoy. I was totally present for the process of peeling & peeling & peeling all of the apples for my pies. I'm a pro at not breaking a "string" of apple skin once I start peeling an apple, so it was fun to see that I haven't lost my touch this year. (Shows how often I peel apples, huh?) It was challenging to shape the pie dough into a lattice-work crust, but I did it & I assume all of my "mistakes" will be eaten, anyway. As I prepare to leave, I am setting an intention to be present with all of the people that I will soon be joining that I love. I want to embody the love that I feel for them rather than be distracted by food or anything else. I want to express thankfulness. I want to really see the food, smell the food, & make wise choices so that I can really savor it & be a food gourmet rather than a glutton! In this way I am embodying what I teach my clients about mindful eating. I want my life to be delicious!
So here I am at 3:35pm on Thanksgiving & so far my day has been pretty much all about the food. But it's been about the preparation of the food. My husband, my Mom & I will be joining my son, daughter-in-law, my 5 grandchildren, my daughter, my son-in-law & other in-laws at my son's home for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Actually it has new traditions for me. Before I learned to be a mindful eater, I would be eating my way through my baking & cooking all day long. I would show up as stuffed as any turkey! The worst part would be all of the hateful feelings that I would feel toward myself. Once again I would have let myself down food-wise & eaten everything in sight. At the official feast, I would continue to eat & eat, putting my attention onto the food & away from all the family members who had gathered together. I was too ashamed of myself & just wanted to have a relationship with my food.
Since developing a mindful relationship to food & to my life, in general, I have new traditions. I mindfully washed the cranberries & apples for the cranapple sauce I always make. I really soaked in the spectacularly brilliant red spheres of the cranberries. After the sauce was made, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it - again, it was the color that was drawing me. I couldn't help but think of all the healthy phytochemicals I was taking for my family to enjoy. I was totally present for the process of peeling & peeling & peeling all of the apples for my pies. I'm a pro at not breaking a "string" of apple skin once I start peeling an apple, so it was fun to see that I haven't lost my touch this year. (Shows how often I peel apples, huh?) It was challenging to shape the pie dough into a lattice-work crust, but I did it & I assume all of my "mistakes" will be eaten, anyway. As I prepare to leave, I am setting an intention to be present with all of the people that I will soon be joining that I love. I want to embody the love that I feel for them rather than be distracted by food or anything else. I want to express thankfulness. I want to really see the food, smell the food, & make wise choices so that I can really savor it & be a food gourmet rather than a glutton! In this way I am embodying what I teach my clients about mindful eating. I want my life to be delicious!
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