Well, I found out why my head has been so clogged. I have a double ear infection & a sinus infection. I'm on meds now so relief is on the way. I've been really tired as I battle these infections, so I thought I'd take a nap just now since I have a free hr. between 9 clients today. I put my head down & suddenly I saw visions of this blog dancing through my head. Try as I might, they would not go away, so here I am.
I was remembering back in the day when I was a very little girl in Rochester, NY, my parents would go to our little Star grocery store at this time of the year & bring some of the most beautiful tree-shaped cookies home. They were flavored with anise, had white frosting & either blue or pink sugar sprinkles on them. Christmas was a happy time in my house. My Dad took great pride in putting the tinsel on the tree, piece by piece. Mom would do some holiday baking & there would be singing done by all of us. I loved those special cookies.
A number of years, before I became a mindful eater, I spotted the same anise flavored cookies in a store here in St. Louis. My heart skipped a beat! I could not believe my eyes! I bought a bunch of them & grabbed a quart of whole milk. I had not drunk whole milk (or any milk) for years, but, nonetheless, I mindlessly bought it. I raced home with my treasure. I ran into the kitchen, threw the rest of the groceries onto the counter & put the cookies onto a plate. I poured myself a glass of milk. I sat down & found to my dismay I could only force the first cookie a couple of inches down inside the glass to dunk it. How did I used to do this? I guess I broke the cookie in half & finally tasted it. Hmmm. It tasted different - kind of doughy, not a whole lot of taste, hmmm I kept going - maybe the next bite will do it - or maybe the next. Maybe the next cookie will be the way I remember. All done to no avail. It wasn't the same.
It never will be the same. It is what it is now - just a sort of boring cookie.
Back THEN the cookie was happiness, excitement, anticipation, warm feelings of togetherness, fun & laughter.
I associated all of those wonderful feelings with the tree cookies because they happened at the same time as when I ate them, but the tree cookies do not contain those feelings.
Food is just food! Oh, no!
There is good news in all of this, however. Those wonderful feelings are always available to us if we allow ourselves to connect to those we care for & to let go of our self-judgments & other-judgments long enough to feel them. We can find them readily if we rise to the occasion & do for others. Perhaps we could volunteer to help those who are so lonely & lost this time of the year. I can guarantee you that that will feel better than any holiday cookie will ever taste!!
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