Yesterday & today I have been developing a cold. What I have noticed is that when I don't feel well, the old habitual compulsive food thoughts really ramp up. I have heard "Go on downstairs to the refrigerator & check to see if there's any ice cream left," countless times. When that thought pops into my head, there's a little spark of energy: "Oh, boy! Ice cream!" Then reality sets in. Ice cream (amazingly) is not what I want or need right now. I have a hacking cough that would only be aggravated by a creamy dairy product & I can't really taste anything, anyway. But it's fascinating to see how that initial thought grabs my attention & the exciting energy that accompanies it is almost enough to pop me up out of my chair & head me to the kitchen.
Once again I'm amazed at the power of these food thoughts - especially given how today ice cream would just make me feel worse health-wise as well as emotionally. What I suspect as I ponder this is that today I basically feel crummy & I want some attention. I want me to pay attention to me in a nurturing way. In my life nurturance has gotten tangled up with food (especially creamy ice cream), so if I have any physical or emotional need, I automatically have turned to ice cream to "make it all better". In reality, of course, it ends up making it all worse, but I never would remember that in time to head it off. Through the development of mindfulness in my life, I am "tuned in" to what that automatic voice in my head is up to & am able to figure out what I really need.
In this case, I think what I really need is to get off the computer & go back to bed for a little nap.
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