What am I doing?

How can I get so lost so quickly? Why is mindfulness so difficult? Aren't things supposed to get easier with practice? How can I expect my clients to do this when I am so imperfect at it? Aren't I supposed to be a model for mindfulness? Why am I so human? Is that it? Is that the real point - that I have some sort of desire to overcome my imperfections as a person & become perfect?

This morning I took my breakfast out onto the deck, even though it was in the 40's. I was wrapped up in my heavy robe & wanted to soak in some sunshine while I mindfully ate. Great plan. The next thing I knew, my spoon was scraping the bottom of my bowl! What happened? Where was I? I missed my meal. My body was there, but my mind had carried me away to some worrisome place. I missed the sumptuous feel of the yogurt against my tongue, the interplay of flavors from the toppings I had chosen. It was gone down my throat by the time I woke up. As usual, I began to beat myself up. "When am I ever going to get this right?" But then I thought, it's not about right or wrong. It's about being with what is. My mind carried me away. Guess what? I will have plenty more chances to be present to my experience. It's all ok. Kindness & compassion towards myself do not come easily. This has been a very challenging part of my mindfulness practice. I can forgive anybody else just about anything, but not so much for me. Today will bring more opportunities. It always does.