Listening with the Heart

On Wed. I received a desperate call from an insurance co. in Chicago that I do business with, requesting me to go on-site into a local corporation to conduct a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, which in this particular case means grief counseling for a workplace suicide that had been discovered Wed. afternoon. A young woman had killed herself & the co. wanted me to help the co-workers deal with whatever feelings came up Thurs. am right after the co-workers would learn about this tragedy. I said, "Yes" without hesitation for this 4 1/2 hr. assignment. Fortunately,it fit in with my private practice schedule.

I absolutely love being able to be there to help individuals deal with this sort of situation, so that they can learn some tools to begin to work through the awful thoughts & feelings that are being stirred up &, perhaps, to plant some seeds that will allow them to see that having known this person & now dealing with this loss, will be something that, ideally, will eventually be woven into the fabric of their lives in a way that will add color & depth to that fabric.

Loss is an inevitable part of all of our lives. I hate that just as much as you probably do, but it is truly inevitable. The question is, how do we handle loss internally so that we come to see that we can trust ourselves to stay connected with ourselves in compassion & caring & allow ourselves to truly feel our feelings of pain (rather than distract ourselves away from them with food or other dysfunctional distractions), & then, gracefully move on.

Now, upon hearing about this assignment, my husband, Sid, in his infinite wisdom said, "What? Are you crazy? You're sick & not much improved. You know you need to get as much sleep as possible. You need to take care of yourself & not be getting up earlier than usual."

Well, Dear Reader, 1 of the most common shared traits of overeaters is the tendency to put the needs of others first, no matter what the consequences to themselves. I'll write more about this in a future post.

I replied to Sid, "Oh, but I have to. They need me & you know how much I love being able to do this". Sid shook his head, saying, "I can't stop you when you're determined to do something."

So, I got up early Thurs., got myself dressed & ready. I rushed around & never had the opportunity to speak with anyone. I arrived at the on-site, walked through the revolving doors, as directed on the phone by my contact person, Joan, & walked up to the security guard who was sitting behind a big desk. As I walked up to the desk, he turned toward me & his mouth began moving. I heard nothing!! I said, "Excuse me?" Once again, mouth moving, nothing! I told him who I was & who my contact person was. More mouth moving & I made out "name" by watching his lips in desperation. I said my name & began to spell it. I saw a flash of frustration on his face, he shook his head. The only other name I could think of was that of my contact, so I began to spell her name. He seemed satisfied with that. I was aware that I was having thoughts of "What must he think of me?". Less than a minute later, the elevator behind him opened & a young woman emerged with a smile on her face, her hand stuck out to be shaken & a moving mouth with no sound!! That's when I began to panic. "Oh, my God, they are paying me a very nice fee to be here for 4 1/2 hrs. to help others & I can't hear a thing! How can I do this? It's too late to call for help. Sid's right again. I was really being selfish by taking this & not realizing that I'm not at my best. I told Joan that I was sorry (another overeater behavior), but I was sick & seemed to have lost my hearing. As we got onto the elevator, she said something, I could see her hands gesturing & her mouth moving. Now I was aware of thinking, "What must she think of me. I'm not being social or even responsive."

Joan took me to the room where I would be waiting for anyone who chose to come in & talk with me. She brought me a glass of water & then I was on my own.

Before I could begin much mental stewing, a young woman walked through the door. I greeted her & closed the door behind her. She sat down & immediately she began to speak & cry. As I watched the tears cascade from her eyes, flow down her cheeks & begin to make temporary dark marks on her suit, my thinking went wild: "Oh, my God!! Here this poor woman is, pouring her heart out to me, a stranger, & I can't help her because I can't make out a word she's saying. I should never have agreed to this. I'm going to do more harm than good."

I suddenly became mindful of the fact that I was making this all about POOR ME. I calmly reminded myself that my job was to be there for HER. I calmed myself down, paid attention to taking a few nice, deep breaths & suddenly the whole situation changed. I realized I didn't need to hear the details of her story. And then I heard myself calmly say to myself, "Listen with your heart." I needed to offer her my compassionate presence. At this point, with all of the mental chatter in my head settled, I was able to make out a word here & there. It was enough to understand that she had experienced 4 deaths of people that she was close to in the past year. After receiving today's news, she's terrified about who will be next. Even though I hadn't been able to hear who 3 of the 4 were, I could reassure her that what she was feeling was totally normal. It is very frightening when we suddenly realize that most of life is out of our control. We have to compassionately allow ourself to feel the feelings about the losses. We then need to come to terms with the awareness of our vulnerability in life & then to see that we can choose to make the best life possible in spite of it. I always think of Sept. 11 & how so many of us became frightened to go anywhere where there were crowds, or to fly in planes, etc. until we realized that we were not willing to live our lives in that contracted, fear-based way.

I could see her visibly relax as I spoke. That helped me to relax also. She spoke. I spoke. She straightened up in her chair. All of the tear marks on her suit dried. It was truly miraculous how, as soon as I remembered to be mindful of what my internal experience was & to compassionately support myself in calming down, everything began to flow the way I have come to see it always does.

When she left, she asked me if she could give me a hug. With her head next to mine I was clearly able to hear her say, "I can't tell you how helpful this has been for me. Thank you so much."

I wish I could have told her how helpful working with her had been for me. The rest of my time on this assignment went equally well. I couldn't hear with my ears, but my heart was hearing it all.