Letting My Heart Be Touched

Geez, I haven't been here for a while. I apologize. Sometimes when I have the most inspired thoughts, I'm in the shower or driving the car & can't really type those thoughts down. Then I lose the inspiration.

But, here I am today & now in this present moment.

As I have tried to make sense of my life, I have learned many things and have found many wonderful teachers. Some of them are my clients.

Many years ago I began to operate from my shoulders up. I learned to turn off my body feelings in response to some painful whippings with a big black leather belt with a large silver buckle. I thought I was quite clever to be able to go to the dentist and never need any novacaine. I could just stare at the corner of the room & block out any sensations of pain. I used this talent in many ways long after the whippings were over.

I imagine that food became a solace for me, another way to turn off uncomfortable feelings of an emotional nature. I guess it was was my emotional novacaine.

One of the things that I discovered in my relections about what was not working in my life was that in many ways I was totally numb. Spring would come & I couldn't really let myself feel much about it. I graduated from graduate school & didn't really have any feelings about it the way that other students did. I went home after finishing my final final exam & pulled weeds. I was sometimes asking myself, "Is this all there is?", "What's the point?"

When I began a mindfulness practice, I began to meditate. I was sitting still with myself. There was nothing to do - except be quietly with me. I journaled about my experience with mindfulness & very slowly began to see that I was very good at talking to myself about everything in my life, but I never felt much of anything about anything.

Now, I have to hasten to add that the major exceptions to this were my children. They brought me feelings of wonder & tenderness & love in a vibrant way. I experienced many wonderful feelings by observing them & seeing the world through their eyes. But, children have a way of growing up & then I was back to my numbed out self.

As I developed mindfulness skills, I was intrigued by the idea of looking at a flower without talking to myself about the flower - just taking in the essence of the flower. At first I thought it was impossible. Then, little by little, magic began to happen in my heart. All of my descriptions of the color, size, name of the flower died away. I was no longer comparing this flower to other flowers. It was just this flower and me. I started to relax the area around my heart as I breathed slowly & then the flower "touched" my heart, emotionally. It was so wonderful. I felt alive - for the first time in a long time. It was as if the flower began to glow with its essence and I began to resonate with that.

This process has expanded unbelievably over the years. I try to bring mindfulness to more & more aspects of my life. If I'm getting a little irritated at Sid, I "wake up" & remember to look at his essence & suddenly I am filled with love & respect for who he really is. Without my saying a word, he knows & responds positively to me.

I am moving to a new office building 2 blocks from where I currently work May 1. I just went over there to check it out. There are rose bushes right outside my window. Little buds are bursting out all over the bushes. I walked out into the wonderful outdoor courtyard which will be a perfect meditation walkway. There was a dogwood tree in full bloom overhead. It took my breath away. I have found that those times when nature takes my breath away, I need to really take in the beauty to warm me on the inside the way my grandchildren so naturally do.

At my age I realize how short life is. I want to drink in every last part of it. (As I wrote that I was aware that I also am careful about what I expose myself to. I don't expose myself to violence or other toxic things). I take food into my body that I really enjoy. I see it. I taste it. I feel its presence in me as I swallow it.

There is so much to experience and to feel. I am grateful that I no longer am numb.